New Life

I scored a parking spot in the ramp at the hospital today! I giggled and audibly said, "Yes!" (to myself of course) when I saw someone pull out.

Now, normally this would not be such a big deal. I kind of like the little hike I take from the church parking lot down the block. Even in the rain/cold/snow/whatever. I dress accordingly - I am from the Midwest, and I know these things.

No, today is different. Why? Because it's supposed to snow at least an inch an hour ALL DAY LONG! And the parking ramp is enclosed. hehehe! I win. I am a parking goddess today and I'm still thinking about it and how the parking fairies were with me!

And then, guess what? I looked at the menus for the cafeterias this morning. (It's cheaper to eat here than to bring it and it's really not so bad.) Tomorrow is lasagna and peas, Wednesday is schexwan chicken and Thursday is chimichangas. My three favorites, in a row, in the same week! It's like the karmic angels are watching out for me!

So despite the fact that it's March 31st and its snowing so hard I can't see across the street, and later I have to slog to the club and lead a meeting, I'm happy right now! It really is the little things.

I was the designated driver for the office party tonight. I happily gave up my free drink tickets, ASSUMING (makes an ASS out of U and MI) that the bar provided free pop/water for designated drivers. Um. No. Couldn't get water in a glass with ice. It was bottled water at 1.75 a crack. What the hell?! AND it was ladies' night, which meant certain drinks were a dollar. Could I get water or pop for a dollar? No. What kind of sick crap IS that?!

Instead of getting pissed, I happily forked over the dough for the said bottled water. Why get all worked up over something like that? I would much rather spend money on water than choose to drink. But Tami found out. HA! I didn't have to get pissed for myself, she did enough for me! Manager of the bar, assistant manager, etc. all get involved and I got to drink free pop all night.

But seriously. How stupid is that?

I was on the funeral home website to find out when a funeral is, and guess what I found?

Jason's Obituary

Why on earth would they still have that up two years later?

Nevermind the reason why I felt the need to look.

My co-worker won an office party for 20 at the bar for tomorrow night. I laughed so hard - it's just the two of us in the office! She called her family and friends and I'm the designated driver. I asked her why she couldn't have won the free teeth whitening instead! It should be fun, I've been venturing out a lot more these days. I feel more comfortable in my own skin I think.

By the time I moved to South Dakota, I was a complete recluse. Granted, I went to work at the church every day and managed to put on a good face there, but when all ewas said and done, it was off to the liquor store, draw the drapes and that was a night. Every night. The same. I've done more in the last year and a half than I have in the last five years I think. My co-worker, Tami and I have been voraciously planning camping trips, signing up for the motorcycle safety classes and devouring the internet looking for a new tent for me! My calendar is so full of scribbles and question marks and possibilities that I can hardly read May, June, July and August. My life is full! Who would have thought?

The club kind of has a pall on it these past few days, thinking about our friend that died. Some are more affected than others. Today I am the strong one and can give direction and compassion. I don't know what the funeral will bring, but for today - I can only be thankful that I have sobriety and a life full of love and happiness. I never want to go back to how it used to be. I'd rather die. And the fact that some still choose that option frightens me.

Yesterday, I found out that someone I went to Tallgrass with died over the weekend. An overdose/drunken death. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. On the one hand, I am very, very sad that he didn't "get it." On the other hand, I know that he was given exactly what I was given and didn't/couldn't get it in the end.

People who have been around recovery awhile are sad, but seem to take it in stride. "It's another one in the string of deaths of the people we come to know and love in the program." It seemed a little hard-hearted, but I think I sort of get it.

I was so angry at recovery people when Jason died. I had visions of people from the club coming to knock on his door and knock some sense into his head. How come they didn't come after him when he was dying? You know? And yet, after a year in the program, I understand. If you don't want it, there's no sense in trying to get someone to want it. It says in the Doctor's Opinion that "You people are too heartbreaking, we wouldn't take you as patients if we could help it." I'm beginning to see the truth in that. Slowly, maybe angrily a little, but I'm getting my head wrapped around it to some extent.

I wanted it. Unlike others that come in the program, I wasn't afraid to die. In fact, I wanted to die. I just couldn't seem to get the job done and it showed no signs of happening any time soon. I was afraid to live. So if I had to live, I had to figure out a way to do it without being quite so miserable. I had to be desperate enough to try it someone else's way, and that's how you get better. And I AM better today. I get to be someone else's rock in this program today. A year ago, I might have fallen off the deep end with this news. Today, I just pray for his family and for understanding and hope for the alcoholic who is still drinking and slowly, ever so slowly - dying.

So, I was at the grocery store this morning, getting the fixings for green bean casserole, along with various and sundry needless things that looked good and I turned my cart down the spice aisle. There were quite a few people shopping - some in sweat pants, some in full out Easterwear, me kinda half way inbetween. And then there was this man. He looked unkempt, possibly a little crazy, long greasy hair, but otherwise dressed appropriately for the weather and kind of standing in the middle of the aisle.

I was somewhat filled with the Easter spirit, looking forward to my meeting and subsequent dinner with friends, smiling at people as I am wont to do, greeting strangers with Happy Easter (don't ask me where that came from, I just felt happy and wanted to share it). So I smiled at the strange man and said Happy Easter like everyone else. I noticed he had an 18 pack of eggs and a 1/2 gallon of milk in his cart. Don't know why I noticed that. The minute I spoke to him, his face lit up and he smiled and nodded a greeting. I went along my way. Thinking in my head of all the things in my cart that I didn't need and was going to spend my not-so-hard-won money on. Seriously, I could do my job with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back. But I got all teary-eyed. I know I'm a bleeding heart when it comes to mental illness/homelessness/alcoholism. Mostly because it could have been Jason or me for that matter, or any of the people I have met in recovery.

Here's the part that made me sob on my way to the club. He kind of followed me around - not so much behind me, but waiting for me at the end of the next aisle I was going up. I ran into him four times, and each time I smiled and said "excuse me." It wasn't until the third time that I realized it was my smile and the acknowledgement of his presence that he wanted.

What a little thing that I have held back from people - the acknowledgement of their presence. As I was checking out, I considered whether or not I was supposed to pay for his groceries or give him money. As I was driving away, the tears just started flowing and I couldn't stop them. I had a place to go. A warm place, full of laughter and hugs and coffee, heat and hearts. And after that, I had a home to go to, to fill up my cupboards with the groceries I bought and cook for my friends, and then off to a huge dinner with even more friends and people I had yet to meet.

Now, I don't know that this man didn't have that, but it made me so very aware of what I DO have. God's grace is so good. I don't deserve any of the gifts I have been given. None of us do. I think the gifts become even more precious when we see what we could have been had the grace of God not shone down on us. I've been sort of quiet all day. Quiet in my heart for what I do have and so thankful that even though I have not realized my dreams, I have everything that I need and God knows that is enough for today.

Amen.

Tonight we went to the Roller Derby. A blast as usual! My co-worker's sister, daughter and niece are all in it - along with some very interesting women. Tonight, someone from the other team broke their nose and got carted off in an ambulance. But there were no chick fights. I was so disappointed. There's always a fight! Oh well. Good times were had by all.

Quiet Easter for me. Sister Jen is in New York, working at the hospital. Brother Dan and Sister-in-Law Jenny are in Missouri with her family, Mom and Dad are afraid of getting the crud from me. So, it's off to a 10 a.m. meeting (year long sabbatical from church was initiated last Easter) and then to Barb's - my recovery mom's. Looking back, I've celebrated every single holiday with Barb and her family (and assorted wack-jobs, including me) for the past two years! Nice to have a family away from home, that's for certain.

I had coffee with my friend Mark today. I called him to get a meeting schedule and he called back fifteen minutes later, asking if I'd come and visit. Sure thing. The man had an incredible amount of wisdom for me when I got sober. Turns out he was having the worst of a string of bad bad days, missing his wife. She passed away about five years ago. After my last post, I kind of put some more of that to rest. Thank God for the opportunity to be of help to another person. It puts everything in perspective. I'm not the only one the universe that has lost a loved one. He's kind of a renegade - actually has a permit for a concealed weapon! I was scared shitless of him when I first met him. But my God, the heart in that man. We ate praire chicken stew and visited. The simple South Dakota life. Breaking bread and drinking coffee with a good friend. I don't think it gets much better than that for me today.

Today is a wave of Jason day. I get them every once in awhile. It used to be an everyday thing after he died. I couldn't stop thinking about him, picturing his face, what he smelled like, the way he sat or gestured. And then months later, I couldn't picture any of those things anymore and THAT was something to cry about.

It's been a little over two years now. I've seen his precious daughter all of one time since the funeral. Break my heart already. How is it that the fiance gets no visitation rights? Silly, huh? But not really. She was a huge part of our life together and now nothing. I remember my therapist saying to me once that I wasn't just grieving him, I was grieving the loss of our life together - all the hopes and dreams. Yeah, rub it in already. But in order to walk through it, I guess I had to stare it in the face. On days like today, I find myself reliving those dreams in my head.

For awhile in early sobriety, I was scolded for pouring over pictures. I had to put them away for a few months to stay sane enough to not drink over it. I looked at them again today. He was such a beautiful man. My dark Irishman. And dark not only in looks, but in his soul.

That's the part that still frightens me today. That's how we first connected - through the valley of despair. Only he never really wanted to let go of that valley and look for the mountains, much less the sun. There's a few journal entries from North Carolina where I pondered whether or not I could stay with him. His drinking was so bad (I didn't know at the time, I just thought he was crazy), I thought he was going to take me down with him. There were days when I would get off work and drive around in the mountains for hours until the sun went down because I was afraid to come home and find him dead on the couch. I know you mothers know what I'm talking about when you watch your little one's chest intently so you can tell if they're breathing without touching them. I was afraid to touch him. Afraid he'd already be cold.

And here's where I get morbid. He IS cold now. Well, after going through the fire. He's sitting in two (yes two, he didn't fit into one - his dad aptly called him a gentle giant) urns in his Dad's closet because they're not ready to deal with it. And an even closer glimpse into our life together is that I knew exactly what he wanted for his funeral and cremation-not-burial-scatter-me-in-the-hills death. Why? Because he talked about it ALL THE TIME. What kind of life was that? But my God I loved him. A real visceral love that's hard to explain. Our souls connected. And when he had *just enough* rum in him, the wonderfully extravagant conversations are my favorite memories. I had to watch and catch him at just that moment if I wanted any satisfaction of conversation at all.

I loved him for his wild spirit and for the darkness, but then the darkness started to pull me in and I was so afraid. And when I realized that he had decided to abandon himself to the disease of alcoholism, I was too afraid to leave him. I had promised him to be with him until the end of time. And I was, until the end of his time.

I'm not so much sad today as I am melancholy and meandering in my thoughts. It is what it is. And so it shall be.

Wednesday 52° F 27° F 11° C -3° C
Rain Showers 30% chance of precipitation
Thursday 47° F 29° F 8° C -2° C
50% chance of precipitation Chance of Snow
Friday 36° F 22° F 2° C -6° C
30% chance of precipitation Chance of Snow
Saturday 38° F 23° F 3° C -5° C
20% chance of precipitation
Mostly Cloudy
Sunday 38° F 18° F 3° C -8° C
Rain Showers

This is the gloomy forecast. However, the temperatures show mighty signs of being flip-flop friendly today and tomorrow. There's just something about baring your tootsies that just reeks (maybe it's your feet) of spring!

Yesterday:


Today:















I LOVE spring in the Midwest! We're supposed to get up to 10 inches. It brings back memories of last year's March snowstorm. I had been sober about two months, had just started my new job and we had a wicked snowstorm. Well, everyone in my office lives in small town, SD, so they closed the office at noon that Thursday and said we'd stay closed on Friday.

Normally, wouldn't something like this make you giddy with glee?

Yeah. Not so much. I sat in the parking lot in my car, sobbing. It's a SNOW DAY! And what do you do on snow days? DRINK. And drink a lot. Because you have no where to be. Hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps. All kinds of Kahluah and coffee concoctions, you get the drift. So I'm sitting there sobbing. I refused to leave the parking lot until I had made a decision. Drink - and start this sobriety thing all over, or ask for help.

I drove to the clubhouse and there was a 15-16 year old kid sleeping on the couch. No one else. I thought, "I'll wait a half hour. If no one comes, then I'm drinking." Well, what do you know? People start pouring in, coffee gets made, we're playing games, I'm cruising around picking people up to bring them to the club in my 4 wheel drive superiority, I stay for the 5:30 p.m. meeting and decide I'm fine. I'm ready to go home.

I drive away, and that's when it hits. I don't have to get up in the morning. And if you don't have to get up in the morning, what do you do the night before? (Especially if you're an alcoholic.) You DRINK. One more test for recovery. I'm going to drive to the church meeting and if there's nobody there, I'm going to go to the liquor store and call it a night. Well damn them all, one of my favorites, a man whom I affectionately call my recovery dad is there with his wife and another couple.

I walk in and immediately burst into tears, "It's a snow day!" Suddenly, I'm getting hugs and come on ins, and it's going to be okays. And it was. It really was. My partner in crime that got sober the same time I did - Doug - showed up about fifteen minutes later with the same expression on his face and said, "It's a snow day!" We've been friends ever since.

Today, it's snowing and the city's shutting down and I'm leading a meeting at 5:30 p.m., going to dinner with a bunch of people and then heading over to my sponsor's like usual. What a difference a year makes. I'm not even close to crying about it. I love the snow. And I love my life. And today I don't have to drink on snow days just to get by.

So I did it. I shaved. All the way up each lily white leg. Why? Why in God's name did I think I needed to reinstate that at this very moment in time? Certainly has NOTHING to do with ANYONE other than myself seeing them, that is a given. I think it was the illusion of spring? The birds chirping? The fact that I didn't have to wear a wool coat, scarf, hat and gloves yesterday or the day before. I felt a little "lighter." Perhaps more hopeful? My God. When THAT much can come out of shaving your legs, there's got to be more to life!

Anyway. Just thought I'd confess. For all you non-winter shavers out there? You win. It's still socks and shoes season and I caved.

Because when I'm alone at the office all day, I SURF THE INTERNET AND READ THINGS LIKE THIS!
Disgusting Food Additives
Urban Legends that are TRUE
Handy Bags

But it's not all bad, because usually I find something to cook for dinner. Tomorrow night will be Pasta E Fagioli

And I get to catch up on some good reading. This woman is quite fascinating. Makes very interesting choices in life. Salt Water Princess I can't figure out whether or not it's fiction. Either that, or my life is just very incredibly boring.

And please be truthful here. Have you ever done a colon cleanse? I'm kinda thinking about it. Really. Seriously. Dr. Natura. Or am I way off base?

I've discovered an additional employee benefit. When alone in the office all day, I can exercise! My co-worker and I do her Pilates tape about three times a week (instead of getting that cookie at the cafeteria), and I bring my bender ball (it works, it really does) occasionally. This is the yoga pose I was trying today to make my owie hurt leg outer quad feel better. They refer to it as the "ouch-asana."






I can't get into the lunge position. There's always tomorrow.

It's almost time to go home, but I'm not going home! I'm going to speak at a different treatment center - Keystone - with my sponsor's sponsor. I go every second Wednesday of the month to talk to the adolescent girls. I love it. Mostly because I still miss working with kids. I never really got into drugs, but I tell you - that's all they're doing anymore! It's so frightening to hear their stories. And the thing about drugs (which maybe is a good thing) is that they go down and they go down FAST. It's a drink one night after school, pot the next weekend, meth the next day and then maybe a month later, it's all over. It seriously goes that fast. Not always, but 'pert near. I was so lucky.

I've done more things in the past two weeks than I have since Christmas! First off - the Tallgrass Appreciation and Celebration event at the Minnehaha Country Club.


Then, as a part of the Sioux Empire Roundup, Gay Boyfriend and I hosted a luncheon between speakers. He cleaned and made dessert. I did everything else. As usual. But he provides all the entertainment. Oh, and he washed the dishes. I can't forget that part!







In case you can't read it - the bottle says, "Its time to sparkle." I think that says it all!

As a part of that weekend, my sponsor's daughter turned ten and we had a 10 year old giggling girls' birthday party at the pool along with several toddlers. If I ever complain that I don't have children, I've got plenty waiting for me to babysit!



On another day, Gay Boyfriend tried to hook the washer hose into the drain on the floor. There was a big metal bolt that the previous owners had painted shut. He put so much effort into it that the metal bolt broke. No joke.


Many colorful words were used.....

It's snowing again! I never get over my fascination with snow. I love it. Granted, beach season is coming, and that's wicked fun too, but I just love the snow. There's a bit of the pioneering spirit in me that takes it on as a challenge - like I have to "battle with it" or tame it or something. I know, I'm a complete dork. But that's what makes me so loveable.

Oh, and just because I work for a plastic surgeon - I find this to be very, very amusing http://www.asylum.com/2008/03/04/breasts-save-the-day-for-convicted-japanese-model/

Well, I shouldn't call it the March meltdown, because it started in late February, but I keep crying and crying. I haven't been this emotional since I was at Tallgrass. Apparently it has something to do with continued growth... Facing the fears and moving on is a daily task which only God can help me with (along with a whole slew of people who love me). I think the daily crying has stopped for now, and determination has set in, but I don't like where I've been the last few weeks. Moving on. Again.