New Life

I finally admitted today that I'm still a bit sad that I'm approaching 36, unmarried and childless. There comes a time when I'm so okay with that and things go quite fine for awhile, and then comes the days like today when I just think there's something drastically unfair with the world.

My mother used to tell us that it was useless to say that things were unfair. There was mom and dad, and us three kids. You can't break a chocolate bar into five totally equal pieces and that's when the lesson would come to the surface. I get it already. I really do.

I see people in meetings that I don't think should have been given kids - they've been taken away and given back and taken away again. Where are mine? That sounds so self-righteous and it is. Jason and I wanted children very badly. In NC, we thought we were parents once and it ended badly. The devastation wasn't so great then as it is now actually. And yet. Whatever. I think I get resentful of it at times and at other times I understand why I don't have children.

I don't have to understand, but I do have to accept if I am to have any peace. It kills me tonight. Stupid therapy.

I didn't order this weather and I am not pleased. April showers bring May flowers. April snowstorms bring me to tears.

Here's a hypothetical question for you. When someone asks you repeatedly to "tell them what's wrong" or to "confide" in them, when there's really nothing to tell or say that's even remotely bothering you, what do you do? I try to ignore it and change the subject. I've tried to be honest and say, "You're digging for something that's not there." I've been mildly confrontative and said, "I'm getting really irritated here." I'm considering just lying.

I mean, what difference would it make? The person apparently wants "dirt" on me and wants to have something to worry about needlessly (in my opinion, worrying gives her something constructive to do). I'm thinking something like, "Yeah, I'm pregnant. I've been hiding it from you." or "Well, I did get arrested last week, but since I didn't actually EAT the body, I'm getting off on the cannibalism charges." My last e-mail said, "I'm not a serial killer and there aren't any bodies in the back yard, so I think we're good." I tried to laugh it off.

And here's the other thing. It's not my deal, so why worry about it? Hm. What a concept. I might try that one on for size and get back to you!

Happy Friday!

Everyone at our residence - me, Gay Boyfriend and Wonderboy either walked to work today or used public transportation. I might have to recycle something when I get home. I get those urges sometimes....

Well, the sun isn't exactly here to stay, but I think the threat of snow is finally over. I've worn flip flops several days in a row now - that's a good sign!

The doctor was still a pill today, but I admittedly egged him on. I can't stand it when he gets self-righteous. And I take it upn myself to call him on it. Like it's my duty or something. He told me I was ignorant today. Ha! I hope he gets over it soon, or I might have to deck him or something.

Therapy Tuesday. It's always Therapy Tuesday. I'm doing quite well. Even after yesterdays crawl-in-a-hole and make-it-stop attitude, I knew enough to just bag it and call it a day and start over. I don't have to analyze it or make it something that it's not. Everyone has bad days. Just because I have a bad day doesn't mean I'm headed back to crazy-town. Right? Please tell me I'm right, because I feel okay today. And NOT analyzing it makes sense to me right now. Life is life and I'll hit it head on because I'm capable of that today. Thank God.

Very relaxing weekend! I forget how much joy there is in spending time with friends, children and sunshine. I went to an "old fashioned" quilting bee on Saturday and had so much fun, I stayed all day! I couldn't believe it. Normally I would get bored to death in about an hour, but this time, the conversation was stimulating, the work was not so repetitive and the sun was shining!

Sunday, I went to Tami's to see the baby chickens. I know, I know, those of you who grew up on farms don't think that's all it's cracked up to be, but I loved it. They were so cute and their little hearts beat so fast when you picked them up. In two months, we'll slaughter them (yes, I said slaughter. I like the violence of the word!). Seriously, I think I was meant to live on a farm. Remember Little House on the Prairie? They would tie a rope from the house to the barn so in blizzards, they could follow it to feed the animals and not get lost? Well, it was SO windy yesterday that I thought Tami's youngest snippet of a daughter ought to do that in order to not blow away. It felt like we were in store for a tornado - when you can't open the hatch to the root cellar. We could hardly get the chicken coop door open. AND I saw cows up close! I'm an utter dork, but I loved every minute of it.

Today, the good doctor was a complete jerk and I almost fell for it. He's still got jetlag from doing mission work in India and the lack of sleep makes him a bear and more controlling than ever. I got a lecture about attitude and how Americans don't understand the value of healthcare. It was all I could do to not tell him to take a hike. I even had those tears behind my eyes. I rarely let him get to me - I'm one of his favorites anyway and usually don't get subjected to his rampages, but I got it today for not stacking his charts the way he wanted me to and for being the bearer of the bad news that he's going to get in trouble for not dictating his surgeries on time. Blech. They don't pay me enough to deal with that. And then, tomorrow or the next day, I'll get the history lesson of a lifetime or a fascinating discussion about politics and world religions. I live for those. And yet, it's finally coming - the time for me to move on. Days like today make me think more and more about looking for a job that uses my real skills. A couple of resumes have gone out to no avail, but I don't really worry about that so much. This job dropped in my lap when I needed it the most and another one will too, when the right one comes available. Until then, the good surgeon needs a nap and I need to not take it so personally.

Still the only song that never fails to make me smile.

Dave Matthews Band
Up and Away

Everyday, everyday with you
Every little thing you do the way you do
Little darlin' in your eyes
Got me all up and away
You get me high

I saw you there, since then everyday
It's like I'm lost and thinking of you in every way
Since I fell into your eyes
All I know is that you get me high
You get me high

Like I'm gone, ooo
Oh, up and away
You take me baby
Oh, you take me baby

And then you walk the way you walk
You blow my mind to know the way you walk in my way
Then I fall into your eyes
Up, up and away the way you rise
Oh, baby
The way you make me high

Before you came you know I didn't care
It's just the game I play
All up and away
Oh, all up and away
You take me baby

Up for you, I'd give it all
Cause when I'm thinking of you
When I'm flying above the world
How I wish I was drowning in you
I must admit that I'm oh so in love you know
Please don't ever let me go
You've done nothing to me but up, up and away you go
All up and away
Oh, you take me baby
Yeah
Mmmmm baby
Awwww baby

I've been hiding. Well, I might not call it hiding so much as I've just been spending a lot of time at home. Alone. Is that hiding? I don't know anymore. Tuesday and Wednesday nights I just sat at home with the windows wide open listening to the birds, and then last night I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. Now, there's nothing inherently wrong with going to bed at an earlier hour, but I think I was trying to get out of being aware of myself and my thoughts. I really wasn't tired.

Today it's going to rain, that might have something to do with it. My emotions are usually very closely tied with the barometric pressure. I think that's funny, but it certainly rings true every time the sky clouds up.

We're thinking about having people over for a fire tonight. I love, love, love having bonfires. When I had meningitis and was recovering, I was on a lot of drugs and couldn't drive and I just felt trapped in my own house. I lived in the parsonage across the street from the church where I worked, so it was no big deal, but there was just something about only seeing those couple of blocks out the window and the immense parking lot that made me feel imprisoned in my own life. So, to combat that - I would have a fire in my firepit every night and sleep in my tent in the back yard. I know. I'm weird, but I felt free! I was outside and I was camping! My neighbors thought I was a little loony, but I think I probably was back then, so more power to them, and I found a way to feel free in my own home.

So, Tami's getting chickens tomorrow. Baby chickens! They're getting born early tomorrow morning and then they'll be boxed up and taken to her chicken coop, where they get warmed with a light and fed and vitamined and cuddled (By me. Because her kids don't care anymore.)

And then I asked her if I could have one that was just mine and name it. (I really am a sucker) and she said no, because then what would I do when they chop it's head off in a month and a half? I'd cry. Hahaha. I might not make it as a farm girl. I have my dreams, you know. I always wanted to marry a farmer. I might finally live in the right state to get the job done!

The surgeon I work for just got back from doing surgeries and teaching in India and Pakistan. We've been looking at pictures and video footage all day. Whereas the rules and regulations that hospitals have to jump over and through to get accredited here are massive, we certainly are privy to incredible opportunities, innovations, and skilled physicians.

And the living conditions? Wow. He "interviewed" a whole group of people called "Bamboo Spliters" who just live on the side of the road (in the city) and make tourist items out of bamboo. They literally just set up camp right there - where we might have a hot dog vendor downtown? They live there. Have their babies there. Cook there. I said, "So they can just camp out wherever they want to and no one does anything?" And the good doctor said, "Of course, it's a free country." It's India. It's not a free country.

Apparently there are some "rights" that we don't even think about. If I keep my tent up in my back yard too long, the neighbors complain and I have to take it down. In India? I can live in my tent in someone elses' front yard and no one can make me leave.

A glorious Sunday afternoon! Finally! The sun is streaming in, I put my wool sweaters away, the kitchen and bathroom are pine-sol scented (I do love that smell....) and the cats are basking in the windowsills. I can hear the washer and dryer going in the other room and all I have left to do is vaccuum. A walk outdoors and my day will be complete. Sigh. Again, finally. Spring might actually be here this time.

So, after going all psycho crazypants and bawling my head off last night, I have dry eye syndrome this morning. AND I feel like shit. Damn hormones. If I ever get pregnant, I do believe that society is doomed. Please lock me up and keep me from hurting people.

:)

Reading Rude Cactus' Monday Haiku has inspired me.....

8 inches of snow.
This Friday. When will it stop?
The incessant snow.

Every Tuesday morning, I go see my therapist. I've been working with Carolyn for over three years now. I don't like that I still have to see her every week, but I continue to do it, because I kinda like myself today and I don't want to forget where I've been - crazy hospital, group therapy for the borderline inclined, intensive outpatient therapy, treatment for alcoholism, you name it. And now, I go once a week. Progress. And yet it still feels like a failure on any given day that I can't deal with my life like a normal adult. But then again, I gave up on being normal a long time ago.

We talk about my childhood, we talk about college and my insecurities with being me. We talk about Dave (my first boyfriend at 24 - I was a little slow in that department), we talk about my brother and sister and their lives, we talk about my graduate degree and why I feel like I failed that, we talk about my job, my parents, my friends, AA. And then she mentions Jason, and I freeze. I'm getting better at it - talking about him and my anger toward him for slowly killing himself and taking me along for the ride. And then somehow, I turn it all around and make his death my fault. Every time. I don't think I want to believe that he was so selfish as to take his own life through his drinking. So, I constantly fight the fantasy world where he was loving and kind all the time and instead have to delve into the part of our life that was dark and scary. He doesn't get the be the knight in shining armor in that world. I hate taking the armor off and finding him weak, malnourished, and somewhat insane. But that's what he was. And my manipulative mind tries to tell me otherwise.

I guess I shouldn't be so down on Mondays. I didn't mind getting up and going this morning. (At least there wasn't the "Oh God, no. It can't be." when the alarm went off.) Early morning sunshine helps. Although, it's supposed to snow tomorrow. (shh!)

I have declared it "skirt week." Today is a short, flirty red number that's supposed to go over your leotard after ballet or something, but I love it. I have been looking like quite the slob lately. I thought this might perk me up. Pantyhose, heels, the whole nine yards! The girl cleans up pretty well, I must say.

Rainy Sunday. Phht. And to think that yesterday, I was going to go through my closet and exchange sweaters for t-shirts. Screw Spring. Where are the barbeques and bikinis already?

Oh, the joy of a sun-filled, warm, breezy day! What a treat! Gay Boyfriend and I sat out in the swing in the backyard for about an hour with our heads thrown back, soaking in the sun. And that - after an hour hike on the bike trails along the river with Mom and Dad. Much happiness. I forget that the sun is an integral part of my happiness. My mom always asks how I managed to live in NC without a therapist. (As a joke she says, but in reality uses it as a way to shame me for going to one now...) And I think it was the sunshine. Always sunshine and warmth. It rained almost every afternoon in the summer when the front moved over the mountains for the day, but only for a half hour and then it was back to sunshine. Liquid gold.

Compliments of my friend the Future Poltergeist, this was the best laugh I've had in a long, long, long time.

Lolcat Bible

Enjoy!

This is the kind of yoga that I do at the gym. Vinyasa Flow. After fighting the crud (sinus infection, bronchitis, stupid asthma), I finally decided I would go back today. It's been three weeks, and oh my! It felt soooo good! It helps my broken leg, it helps my breathing, it helps my soul. When I do the meditation at the end, I feel this weird burning sensation in my "third eye." I used to think it was a joke - that third eye thing, but there must be some sort of nerve center there that gets engaged. Weird.

Now if only my fat rolls would get out of the way - I could get deeper into the poses. Stupid fat.

And even though this is not a weight loss blog, I feel like I need to do something to keep me accountable to eating right and exercising. I hate it. I hate that I'm overweight. I loved how I felt and looked four years ago. Bad living makes you look bad. Ack. I had this delusion that I would just lose weight by not drinking. In fact the opposite is true. I eat more because I miss the empty calories. Alcohol is like eating pure sugar. And when you first get sober, they encourage you to eat lots of candy, carbs and chocolate to combat your body's proclivity for alcohol. Now, I don't go for candy or chocolate much, but the empty carbs? Totally there, baby. Give me a bagel, pasta, bread, mashed potatoes, the whole nine yards. I want them all.

So there. I feel fat and yucky today, but then again, I ate well today. Lots of fruit and veggies. There's nothing better than that.

I just got "the call." New spark plugs and wires... $330. New catalytic converter.....$275. Servicing my transmission....$170. Oil change and tire rotation.....Don't know and it really doesn't matter at this point. Choosing not to fix the transfer case ($250) and back wiper motor ($300)? Priceless.....

I'm officially poor. I have been gleefully hoarding my tax return, thinking that I just might eek out a little play money after my car is fixed. No such thing. Sadness prevails. And I don't like that we're getting bonus checks from the government (something just seems wrong about that), but at this point? Bring it on, my friends.

I officially have nothing to fool anyone with anymore.

It's not that I couldn't make something up, but I just don't think that under the circumstances, that fooling anyone in my immediate circle with the kinds of things I usually fool people with would be in any way appropriate.

In the last four years, I've had a car accident, broken my leg requiring major surgery and home health care for several months, gotten meningitis and been hospitalized numerous times, ended up in treatment, owed lots of money, lost a job, lost a boyfriend. I mean, telling someone that I won the lottery just doesn't work anymore, and anything catastrophic would seem like I was tempting fate at this point.

So, I happily jumped when Tami pointed out a "mouse" on the floor, and panicked when Gay Boyfriend called to tell me the basement flooded.

I am not the bringer of fools today. I am the fooled, and if that means I get to enjoy my day, then I'm all for it.