New Life

The interview? You never know, you know? It went fine. I felt good. It's a very small non-profit company and I don't know if I want that anymore, but we'll see. The director is on vacation for the next two weeks - so no big hurry!

This morning, I had coffee with M - whose thinking about buying a bakery! She makes the best cookies, cakes and breads around, so that's very exciting!

Then, unbeknownst to me, I was destined to get socked with a migraine. I was out reading on the swing when the nausea and dizziness hit. The usual ward-it-off cure is six ibuprofen (Dr. prescribed!) and an immediate nap. That did it for a bit, which allowed me to go to friend J's with several other friends and all their children. Good times were had by all and my apple crisp was a HIT!
















J has a trampoline and my broken leg doesn't like it so much, but it's dizzying and fun at the same time. Gay Boyfriend did a couple of rounds before the kids took over.






























Then, the city kids did the farm kids' chores! I've had the farm fresh eggs, they are yummy!

















And the rest was just plain fun~








































































Who could ask for a better Saturday?

Friends, fun and food, and we're all good to go. I'm so grateful for the people I have in my life today. There's nothing better than hanging out and enjoying people you love!

Just so you know. As soon as I got home from my date? Yeah. I felt something scratchy in my shirt - thought my bra was on funny. Reached in and pulled out a dryer sheet. Yep. Wore it the whole night. I'm so sexy like that.

First - I'm going on a date tonight. Someone I met through chemistry.com. I have no idea what to think about that.

Second - I was assertive enough to e-mail the person I sent a resume to last week and got shocked with an interview tomorrow. A little nervous about that, too. I'm very comfortable (albeit bored) here. But I keep reminding myself that I'm looking for something that actually USES my skills/talents and that it's not an emergency for me to find it RIGHT NOW.

Third - after my horrible sunburn/chemical burn experience (chemical because of my medication) from last weekend, I either need to go off this medication or get some medical grade sunscreen or something. I am NOT going to stay away from the beach! I am quite adamant on that fact. But, to go off this medication that I've been on for like six years? Pretty scary. Also - not an emergency.

So, whereas my thinking is spiraling like the "Three seconds to maximum safe distance" that you hear when the spaceship is exploding? My head is telling me to calm the hell down and just do what's in front of me today - Date. Tomorrow - interview. Someday in the near future - an appointment with my doctor.

But why am I still a little panicky?

Wow! It was hard to get up this morning. But it's really Therapy Tuesday, so I had to rise and shine quite early in the cloudy, misty morning. Phht.

Interesting weekend, to say the least. Camping with Tami - rained and rained Friday night and cloudy and cold Saturday morning. Then - surprise - the sun came out and fried the everliving shit out of my skin! I forget about the cloudy days burning you more than you think, but I slathered that stupid sunscreen on as soon as the sun came out, and I'm still red/shades of red/white blisters in some areas. Dr. Plastic Surgeon that I work for gave me quite the lecture about skin cancer this morning, then he looked at my blisters and suggested cold compresses soaked in lemon juice.

When I planned this camping trip, I was aware that I was going with Tami's family and their friends, and that there was probably going to be lots and lots of drinking. I've been with Tami before, no big deal. They drink, but they're not drunks. These other people? Drunks. Horrible drunks - letting their three and five year olds drink their beer and thinking it's funny. Falling down, not remembering things, getting hurt and laughing - that whole scene. I've never felt so alone in a crowd. So alone in fact, that taking a few drinks to "feel more comfortable" actually crossed my mind and led to a frantic 30 second rampage through the camper looking for the vodka.

Now, I'm not proud of this. But I'm not ashamed either. I'm a human being and I put myself in a situation that I couldn't really get out of (Tami's husband hadn't come with my car yet,) and really didn't prepare myself very well for facing this kind of thing - in fact, I just shrugged it off and said it wouldn't be a big deal. Well, it IS a big deal. I only have one year of sobriety - I'm NOT all that and a bag of chips when it comes to working the damn AA program and that's that. However, I'm not sorry I had this experience. Taught me a lot; I know what to avoid and do differently next time, and it reminded me just how precious my sober life is.

Driving home on Sunday afternoon, all I could think of was the bonfire they were going to have at Tallgrass that night - and how vastly different that bonfire was going to be from the one I sat at the night before. And it was. The gratitude I feel for my friends in recovery is overwhelming at times, and this was one of those times. What a gift it is to share that common bond. I hope I never forget it.

I'm going camping right after work! I'm so excited! This trip has been planned since the dark, dark days of winter. I've got the car packed, the food is in the refrigerator at work and all I have to do is cash a check and pick up some smokes on the way out of town and then - freedom! I think I might even turn off my cell phone. (*gasp*). I've had it with the crazies around here for the time being. And even though I'm going camping with some other crazies, at least they're a different kind of crazy!

I have been thinking about whether or not I want to put something on Jason's grave marker for Memorial Day. He's not really "there." His urns (two - he didn't fit in one - ha!) are at his Dad's house still. And yet? I don't know. I just don't know. It was always Jason's job to take flowers for holidays since his step-mother is there as well. It was a love/hate responsibility. And I get what that means today. The pain is so much less since I let it all go, and yet the remembering is still there. Just one more step to take I guess.

Wow! Monday was a full moon, and after working with kids for years and years, I do believe that people's crazy behavior is affected by the pull of the moon. I'm really not joking. Anyone else notice that?

I've been feeling quite emotionally stable lately (ha!) and have enjoyed a sense of peace and a quiet mind since my Sunday afternoon explosion. But my God! I'm not the only one that's crazy around here. Everyone was crying at the meeting last night and after all was said and done, a gal whose been around recovery longer than me, asked me to be her sponsor. Ack!

Then I got a totally insane and crazy, screaming, yelling, don't you dare tell me what to do phone call from my friend's ex-boyfriend trying to explain to me why it's my fault they're not together because I "pushed" him to ask her out. Uh huh. And how he's not ACTUALLY stalking her (phoning every five minutes and showing up to her house uninvited) he just NEEDS to know what she's doing. Psycho. And I don't have any right to tell him that he's not well right now because he's been sober LONGER than me. Work the damn program already. So, I call her to let her know that I may have just pissed him off and to call the police if he comes over - he's THAT mad. Ack, again.

THEN, I call one of my guy friends to see if I can give his number to a new guy in AA for rides and he accuses me of having a "problem" calling him late at night (since I accidentally called him Tuesday night when I meant to call someone that has the same name) and I need to work on that. Oh my fricking God. Nut jobs out there yesterday.

Then I went to bed and happily dreamed of my camping trip this weekend and thanked God I was okay in the head, if only for one night. Ha! I may just be getting better!

It wasn't so bad. We talked about the emotional explosion that I experienced on Sunday afternoon. We talked about boundaries with my parents, we talked about my summer plans (to do some things that are WAY out of my comfort zone, which includes a camping trip with 4-500 sober bikers - the ex-wino's - in June. Ack!), and we talked about redefining love and friendship. What do you expect out of a friendship? Or love, for that matter and how do you know what it is? I can genuinely say that I really don't know. So - off to the dictionary of life to figure it out. Any clues?

Sunday was the most beautiful day this Spring so far. Breezy, sunny, not sure if you want a sweatshirt, off and on with the socks, the whole thing. I went to a meeting in the morning, had my usual lunch with the 40-50 people who go out afterward and then sat on the lawn swing to do some long put-off hard work on my anger/grief/amends with Jason. I thought I'd wait for a sunny day in the afternoon, so I didn't have to go crazy in the middle of the night.

I remember the director at Tallgrass looking at me and laughing when I said I never get mad. He said, "You're a seething ball of rage, you just don't know it yet." I was absolutely and completely convinced that he was wrong and here I was a year and a half later, convinced that there was no way I could be angry with Jason. (Or anyone else for that matter.) My assignment was to take five pieces of paper and write one statement on each one that started with, "I hate you because..." and then flip them over and finish a statement on the back that started with, "I love you because...." Well, I got about three "I hate you's" down before I started shaking. I ran out of paper before I was so horrified by myself and what I thought of myself and of Jason during that moment, that I got sick (literally) to my stomach and vomited in the back yard. So, as usual, I called Tallgrass and went out to "talk," which actually turned into a screaming, sobbing, not-really-remembering-to-breathe hour when I let it all go. I was exhausted, I was spent, and I felt strangely empty when I was done. I even laughed before I left.

The man I was talking with said that he knew it was just a matter of time before this happened and that he was glad it had happened so soon - that it had taken him three years to get rid of the anger and grief of lost relationships in sobriety. And then he quoted the seventh step prayer, where we tell God that we're willing for Him to have all of us, good and bad. He said, "Well, God just took you up on it, and you gave him that bad part of you." And I'm like, "I've been praying to feel like THIS?????? My God, what kind of crap is that?" And then I mentioned that I was surprised that I could feel so horrible inside when it was such a beautiful spring day. Tom mentioned that perhaps it might just be the best spring day of my life - when I finally let God take away this hurt. Of course I sobbed all over again at that one.

And guess what? Now that the anger is out? It's a little out of control. Ha! There's 35 years of rage in there, wanting to spew on anyone who comes too close right now. I might be coming out of my shell a little too fast.

Obama's coming to speak in Sioux Falls tonight. I haven't decided whether or not I'm going. I'm sure it will be crowded, and I don't do well with large events. However, this is the first Presidential race that I've actually been interested in since Gore lost to Bush. After that fiasco, I kind of just gave up on politics. However, this one has been interesting to watch. I've got all kinds of opinions about the players in this race, and I'm still sticking to the one I picked in the beginning. But it's been fun. I can't wait to see what happens next.

It's going to be beautiful this weekend. mid 70s Friday through Sunday, storm on Monday and then in the 80s. I do believe we will be skipping spring this year, just like every other year in South Dakota. It goes from snow to scorch in about three weeks. The trees are flowering, the grass is green, green, green, and I have a new swimsuit on the way. I can't wait for lazy days at the beach. It seems like forever ago. The lake we go to doesn't turn green like all the other lakes around here, and it's rarely crowded - we went on the 4th of July last year and didn't feel like people were breathing down our necks. Good times. I can't wait! And I'm crossing my fingers for good camping weather over Memorial Day Weekend. It's always rainy and cold so I don't know why I'm even wishing it....

Here's a little secret. In the program, we work the 12 steps of recovery. There's a joke that once you're done with the 12 steps, you're supposed to go back and work them again, but some people choose to do a 13th step, which is sleep with someone in the program. It is recommend that if you're not in a relationship when you come to AA that you wait a year before you think about it. So. With that said, I did my 13th step right before Christmas. I didn't even make it to the one year mark before I did it. Now, it WAS fun. It probably wasn't right, but I learned a lot from it, and I'm not necessarily ashamed. I mean for heaven's sake, my fiance died and there was no desire whatsoever for quite some time. Then I get sober and I'm supposed to wait another year? I almost made it. However, Mr. 13th Step is getting out of jail. Yes, he got drunk, got another DUI and went to jail right after the deed. He's been calling me. Ack. I deserve every bit of uncomfortableness this brings. I really do. It cracks me up on one level, it makes me sigh with irritation on another level, and makes me sad on another. How could he possibly not know that I'm SO not interested in him anymore? Just call me a whore and get it over with. It was fun. It's over. I'm over it, but he's not.

It's sunny today!

Therapy Tuesdays have an "either or" quality to them. I either walk away thinking, "Wow, that was good. I'm doing well, I'm on the right track." or I kind of crawl away going, "What the hell? Why is my head still so messed up? Why can't I think straight about this stuff?" followed by a day of misery while I'm trying to make sense of it all. Yesterday was a misery sort of day. I felt a lot of blah while I was talking with Carolyn, and by the time I left, my head was on the spin dry cycle. Sometimes I wonder if continuing therapy like this is the right thing to do. For the most part, I'm okay anymore. I have normal ups and downs and occasional roller coasters, which I have come to believe are pretty par for the course and no reason to go crazy pants on someone.

And yet, as Carolyn reminds me, there are areas of my relationship with Jason that are still a mystery to her and which I refuse to talk about. So, I let the secrets out, one or a few at a time and we turn them over, admire them for their tenacity and either discard them or put them in a different light. Yesterday I had an "I don't want to talk about it." five year old mentality and then something slipped out and I had to look at it. I can't retract things - once they're out there, it's like I vomited on the floor and it has to be cleaned up. You don't just put the rug on top of slimy vomit.

That was stupid Therapy Tuesday. But here's the silver lining. After mulling things over in my head all day and getting more and more pissed that I couldn't make sense of it? One of my girlfriends called. She said she needed me to come over and really wanted to talk. It's like presto-chango! She doesn't want crazy Kate to come over, she wants sane, helpful and thoughtful Kate to show up. And guess what? She did. It's amazing to me. I can put that self-pitying attitude away and be there for someone else. That couldn't happen before. I was too stuck in my own head to see that others were there - wanting and needing me as a friend. Totally changed my perspective on myself, my so-called problems and my ability to shut off my head for something more important than sorting out my twisted memories. They will always be there, for another day.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there! I met mom and dad at a State Park for a picnic and hike. Here's me being a wood nymph. My dad laughed and said he thought wood nymphs were a lot smaller.





















The rest of the day was spent cleaning, laundry and dishes. A little bit of reading, a small bonfire in the backyard and then sleepy time. It was a perfect day.

Yeah. I did it again. I'm a rock star.

Go to the gym that is. (For all of you out there with dirty minds...)

I did it! I went to the gym before work this morning! Since I joined, I've been going to classes mostly. I hate cardio. It's SO boring to me, even with good music. But I did thirty minutes worth on the treadmill this morning, and I'm very proud of myself. I even did some sit-ups last night while I was watching tv. I decided to change two things in the next two weeks. First, five 30 minute sessions of cardio and second - making sure I eat breakfast. I will reassess the situation in two weeks and see if I can do more or just stick with these two for another two weeks. I've never been particularly fit. I've been skinny and I've been active, but never what I would consider "fit." I have to start somewhere and this is where I'm at. I was remembering other attempts at exercising and eating right, and I always did too much too fast and got frustrated too soon. I figure if I make two changes in two weeks and see how it goes, I might be more willing to stick with it. I'll keep you updated.

About psycho ex-roommate? I think I might be okay. I prayed about it alot. Asked God to remove the fear of running into her and to direct my attention to helping others and I immediately felt relief. If I just keep doing the program as it's outlined in the book and continue to go to meetings, meet with my sponsor and stay as honest as possible, I think I'll make it through this particular challenge. As with any other challenge I've come up against the last year, I have faith that it will go better if I stick with the basics of the program and make sure my side of the street stays clean. That's all good and dandy tonight, don't know what might actually happen when I run into her, but I can hope for the best and leave it at that. Worrying about seeing her is the last thing I want to keep me up at night. I've got more important things to fret about. (Like committing to going to the gym tomorrow instead of pushing snooze!)

It's Monday and the sun is SHINING and it's above 70 degrees! I think this qualifies as a miracle? It's beautiful!

I cleaned up my bike yesterday; washed it with hot soapy water and sprayed it with the hose, oiled the gears and the chain and then went for a ride! The very first ride since I broke my leg in 2005! No joke! All the way to naked David park (Michaelangelo's David graces the riverside downtown. He's really not all that big in the men's department, if you wanted to know) and back to my house - about 45 minutes. I was a little wobbly at the beginning and I went slow, but it felt so good to be back in the saddle (ha!) again.


Here's me an the chicks!














And instead of going to Tallgrass for the first bonfire of the year, I stayed at home for some quiet time. I had been going, going, going with lots of face time this weekend. I need my alone time to recouperate. That's where I get my energy from - the quiet time. I really enjoy being around people, and I look forward to the social parts of my life. But it takes a couple of hours for me to calm down after a big event. I know. I'm a little weird in that department, but at least I know myself and take the steps I need to feel my best.

It was a wild night last night in Southeastern South Dakota. Rain, hail, tornados popping up everywhere... Pretty par for the course in Spring I suppose. Snow tonight. Hehehe. The weather drama never ends it appears.

Here's a question for you. Are there people in your life that you can't stand to run into, much less talk to that seem to appear in and out of your life with alarming frequency?

I've got one of those. And I'm wondering why. I think all activity in my life serves a purpose; what am I supposed to learn, what could I do for someone differently, how could this affect me later in life - those sorts of things. But this person? I thought I was done with her. I mean, really. I lived with her for a year, she tried to kill herself in our apartment, I found her, it was horrible. Very horrible. And now? She sent me an e-mail telling me she's going to come to meetings and didn't want me to be surprised by her presence.

First of all, I don't know why she sent me the e-mail. She's manipulative and very sick in the head. So, I worry about her still thinking of me as someone she would contact (or manipulate). Second of all, I have trouble ever seeing her as someone who will be well. Now, I know that is NOT the way we treat people in recovery, but I just can't see it. Then - I remember that's what people said about me, and I back off. But my God. I have no idea what I would do if I actually saw her. Run? Be pleasant? Be a bitch? I just can't see any of those options working. I would be more than happy never to see her again.

Does that make me a horrible person? I try to be open minded. I pray to be kind and loving to all. I'm frightened of her. I will admit that. She twists everything people say, she manipulates every situation and is completely dishonest with herself, much less other people. I'm afraid to have her back in my life - even on the periphery. Isn't that sick?

It's Thursday, which means it's Yoga Night! Yippee! I will skip Pilates, walking, biking, pretty much anything at the gym which I pay way too much money for, but I will not miss Yoga. I'll even go if I'm late. I don't know what it is about it, but it soothes the soul and makes my body feel better. I never feel quite as fat while I'm there. I don't know why.

And even though it's supposed to snow 12-18 inches in Western South Dakota today through tonight, I think we're getting off with several inches of rain tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath or anything, however.