New Life

Still sick, but with good drugs and a new inhaler. Yucko. I'm back to work, though! At least I don't have to spend the day with myself today!

I dance along at midnight. Only it's not midnight in time, but midnight in my soul.

I let him go and there's an empty space that gapes wider than I wish.I don't bleed anymore. It just festers with time. Black bile grows and gets spewed given the right pressure. I want to mark my body for him to say that he existed and is now gone. Only I can't find the right symbol to mark him by. Pain. Sure. Agony, yes in pleasure and in pain. If there was a symbol for eternal angst I'd do it in a heartbeat, but there's not. And why do I pain myself so after him? He shot my soul through. I remember going into his brother in law's garage to find every imaginable gun. I think I screamed. I think I was afraid. And now, it seems so okay.

So damn lucky you went on ahead.
He knows me. He knows that I am coming. Sooner or later. For his soul.He can't live except in my memory. And I can choose the memory. The good one, the bad one, the pain, the pure hatred of where we were. I don't want him to know how difficult this is - to put a measure on our life together. If I do, I limit what could have been. If I don't, I continue to be sucked into the sickness of us.

Never have to bury your own babies.
Our babies are gone, Jay. Gone. The one that could have been and the ones that will never be. Let me be. Set your ghost at rest. Leave me be. I will do what has to be done. Fix it so there is no question. Leave me be. Let me go.

Miserable and sick with a sinus infection and a really bad cold. Got sent home from work by the good doctor. Phht. I hate it.

Remember when I had to fix my car last April? Well. Turns out that the poor thing is suffering greatly from being ridden hard in her young age. My fuel pump gave out - and guess what? The fuel pump is attached to the tank in these 1999 Blazers. In 2001, they started making the fuel pump a separate entity so it wouldn't be so expensive to fix it. I just missed the grade on that one. The transfer case is leaking and since that has to do with the transmission, um. Yeah. Have to fix that. I told them to go ahead and do an oil change too, since it was time anyway. $985.31 this little venture is costing me. They threw in the labor for the oil change for free. I must be a good customer or something.

I was a little teary-eyed this morning. It's a little too much to take on a Monday, but I kept plowing through the day and I think I'm going to be okay. It's time to start looking for a new vehicle. I knew it was coming. When you spend more money to fix it than you would to make car payments for a year, it's time. I just don't want to. I love my blazer. Apparently she doesn't love me anymore...

The weekend recap is here in full view....

Things did not go quite as planned, but I've learned to roll with the unexpected a lot more easily, and after this weekend, I think I've learned quite well! I was at M's house a half hour after we got off work, and sadly - she was not ready to go. When I want to get out of town, I'm roaring to go when it's time. She wasn't home, so we connected via cellphone and I did a quick trip for gas and ice while she was picking up her prescriptions. She wasn't even packed! But I managed to help as much as possible, taking one item down at a time as it got ready. And bless her heart - we were ready to go an hour later. We're hot, we're sweaty, have said, "screw it, let's just get out of town" about five time to various and little things that we thought would be "fun" to bring along and just didn't have the energy to deal with anymore. So, down to the car, irritated enough to say, "Air conditioner full blast!" and.... my car wouldn't start. Argh.

I said a bad word. Or two. Maybe ten. After laughing hysterically since we were in such a hurry to get out of town, we called Southside, figuring there'd be someone there that would know how to fix something on it and our friend Butch (no joke, the name fits the man to a "T.") came in a half hour. He tried to jump it, he fiddled with all sorts of things. It would not go. Turns over (not the starter) lights work and radio is on (not the battery), he asked VERY POLITELY (kudos to him) if I had put gas in it recently. I laughed and told him he put it so nicely, but yes, recent fill. No dice. He leaves. We're hot. I'm irritated, but not mad at this point. I mean, what can I do? It's Friday night. So, we unpack everything, throw it in M's car, I offer to put gas in it and she looks at me and says, "I'd rather just get out of here and down the road." So, that's what we do.

The funny thing is, this doesn't really bother me. Of course, I tell everyone there about the whole thing, but I'm not worried. I call Gay Boyfriend when he gets off work, he goes over to do a diagnosis and says he thinks it's the fuel pump, calls my mechanic and arranges for it to be towed first thing Monday morning. Gay Boyfriend is a peach, I tell you what! and that's that. Even if I had chosen to get upset about it, it's already taken care of; I certainly wouldn't give up a camping trip today to sit at home and stew about my stupid car.

Saturday, I went tubing for the first time this year. Fun times! I almost lost my suit bottoms once when I hit the water a little too hard and I have various strange bruises all over, but it was exhilarating and as I told the guy driving the boat who was amazed at how long I stayed on, "I've been holding on for dear life for the last three years, why would I give up now?" And I might have a crush on the boat's owner. A little. Or a lot. Okay, if he asked me out I would not think twice about saying yes. And maybe I daydreamed about him a little. Or a lot. hehehehehe. Kate's libido is finally alive and well, my friends. He was so nice! I always watch how people treat the kids that are around - I think that's a true estimate of how a person treats people in general. Well. He passed. Treated them like they were just as important as the adults and not just a nuisance to passify. Swoon. And he saw My Gracefulness fall ass first into the water while getting on the tube. It moved! I'm serious.

Amazing campfire and even more amazing meeting. There's something about sharing your deep dark secrets around the fire! Gay Boyfriend ended up coming up and spending the night and quite a few people came up for just the campfire. I STAYED UP UNTIL 1 a.m! I have not been turning into a pumpkin at midnight when there's fun going on anymore!

This morning, the deluge began about 9 a.m. Mr. Nice to Kids came over and helped us pack up the tent as best as we could. (He saw me laying on the tent, soaking wet in my pajamas, trying to get the air out of it, so I think he's seen me at my best, no?) we had coffee on the deck of his cabin for about an hour, hoping it would stop at some point, but to no avail. We took off, had lunch at a truck stop - which is the ultimate in eating when you're starving, and got home wet and exhausted, but oh so glad we went.

I tried the car one more time. I'm an optimist like that. But no luck. Oh well. Wonderboy and his freak friend are doing laundry and don't seem to understand the concept of "keeping it going" so that the other two residents of this house can have clean underwear tomorrow, but I'm only secretly spilling my black bile about that on the internet. I really try to be reasonable and nice on the outside..... A three hour nap later, I'm happy and as yet unclean. Once I take a shower, I do believe that all will be alright with the world. I went camping, I have a new man to daydream about. Finally. I got to go on a boat (which I learned last summer is quite the obsession with me) And my car will get fixed. Im sure there will be an interesting post about said car tomorrow.

On to a new adventure!

I'm going camping right after work! Yippee! Everything is packed, I just have to haul it up to the car, fly to M's, haul all her stuff to the car, fill up, grab some ice and we're out of here! Apparently there's a very nice beach where we're going so I'm hoping for sunny, warm weather tomorrow. Thunderstorms Saturday night, but that's no big deal, we camped in a hurricane one year! Yeah for camping! Yeah for weekends! Yeah to just getting away!

And just in case you miss me, here's a homemade video to my song, "Kate" by Ben Fold Five. It should remind you of me...

I think I've said this before, but Jason and I shared a love of Dave Matthews Band. It was the music of choice on the ride down to NC and Some Devil came out when we were living there. We both spent quite a few dark nights listening to key songs from that album. And when we moved to South Dakota, part of the plan was to go see him live. Someday. Which never happened. I've still harbored a desire to do so and when this opportunity came up, it came at the best possible time. I had finally let him go and started to live my life, you know? So I felt like this was my time to just go and do.

So excited! I went with what amounted to three strange guys. One of which was the husband of a girl that I sponsor, so that wasn't too weird, his brother and a friend of theirs. It was so much fun! We left at noon, ate lunch right outside of town and got to know each other a bit. I'm SO much less shy now, which I'm eternally grateful for. I can TALK to people now, what a gift that is. We drove down to Omaha and had been told to go to a place called the Old Mattress Factory before the concert - which was right across the street. We got there around four, parked there for the night and the guys commenced to drink beer and tell old college stories which were hilarious. I didn't have a desire to drink whatsoever and it was so freeing! They gave me the keys to the Suburban before they even got to the bar. Which was flattering to me - that they trusted my sobriety, even when I don't sometimes.

Many beers and laughs later, we got to the event center and about forty-five minutes later, the concert started and it was all that I'd ever hoped for in live music. They were energetic, entertaining, totally fulfilled my desire like none other. They are better live than they are on CD, and I think I've always known that. I call that a mark of a good band - to sound as good, if not better - live, than recording the shit out of their songs. I was dancing. And I didn't care how I looked, who saw me, what people thought. I was there to enjoy myself to the fullest and I think I did.

The most amazing thing, however, was that I got to have that Jason moment. The three guys had all gone to get beer and the minute they left, the band played the song that always epitomizes Jason for me. So Damn Lucky. I closed my eyes and thought of him, thought of our life together, thanked him for sharing that short time with me and felt like I was alone in an arena of 20,000 people. It wasn't a crying kind of moment, it was a completing moment. And as SOON as the song was done, the guys came back. I got to have that all to myself and it was perfect. And I tell you what, I don't know if God comes to Dave Matthews concerts, but I'm calling that a God moment. He gave me what I needed to finish that piece of the puzzle.

The guys passed out about half hour into the drive home and I listened to music and sang myself home. And for the first time in a long time, went to bed without all the rigamarole that surrounds going to bed. Peacefully.

Since we didn't have any patients today, I ended up taking the whole day off; coffee with M, lunch with a whole gang of people that we somehow ended up connecting with, a short stop to Scheels, nap at M's, a meeting and now I'm home with freshly clean sheets, a clear and rested mind and just sheer contentment. It really was a dream come true for me. The good things that keep happening to me continue to amaze me, but I'm taking them as they come. And I'm not looking back.

Oh. And the cover of Sledgehammer? Yeah. AWESOME.

I'm going to the Dave Matthews Concert today!!!!!! I look good, and I'm nervous and excited all at the same time! We're leaving in an hour and a half. What fun!

Here's the pictures from our venture to Jackson, MN last weekend. It was the most relaxing trip I've had in a long, long time. The first picture is a cute little coffee shop just outside of Sioux Falls. The next one is us walking up the highest point in Iowa. The Mound. Which was strangely next to Dickinson county. If you get that joke, then you're as sick as me. I couldn't stop laughing. The last picture is from an ice cream store in Spirit Lake, IA. M took the picture. She must be the sick one.

Guess who is going to a Dave Matthews concert on Tuesday night? MEMEMEMEMEME! This is like a 8 year long dream and it just happened out of nowhere! One of the girls I sponsor - her husband is going with his brother and another friend (strangely, the one they've been wanting to hook me up with!) and they have an extra ticket. I tell you people, this is the ONE thing that Jason and I always agreed on - that we wanted to go see Dave Matthews live in concert. Sadly, it did not happen, but I GET TO GO, and he can come along for the ride in spirit. I'm so excited. These really cool things keep happening to me this second summer of sobriety. It might just be worth it to stick with the program! SO SO SO excited! I'm being very junior-high about it, but I don't care. This is a big deal.

Oh, and I started a new blog for my weight loss, so you don't have to hear about it on here, but please visit if you want to. Food diary, thoughts and recipes. www.determinedkate.blogspot.com. I am determined this time. And I'm working with a friend who lost 80 lbs about three years ago and has kept it off. www.calorieking.com is now my best friend. Well, besides Dave Matthews!

Got to work, went downstairs to get my strawberries and vegetables to go with lunch and promptly dropped a strawberry down the front of my white shirt. Yep. Pink blotches all the way down and nothing else to wear. I am the ultimate dork sometimes. Normally we don't have patients on Fridays. Got three today. See? Great day already.

Oh, and this is my 100th post. Seems appropriate, no?

Pictures to come from the weekend! Saturday was one of my favorite days so far this summer. I love to just get in the car and go. We had a destination and certainly plenty of time to get there. So we headed out of town on a little road - forgot about the highway and the time and had a blast! A little coffee shop just 20 minutes out of town that we knew nothing about, a climb up the highest point in Iowa - all 1320 feet of it. Strangely, it is just called The Mound. Ha. A venture into Spirit Lake to a little ice cream shop, stalking a friend at Walmart 200 miles away from home and a wonderful recovery campout fire. We didn't spend the night, but stayed for dinner and the speaker. We followed our motorcycle friends home, in case of emergency at 11 o'clock at night and rounded it out at the Fryin' Pan watching the drunks come in from Hot Harley Nights.

You know that hot-faced feeling of pure dread when you realize that you've hurt someone you love beyond your wildest dreams? And even if you don't remember doing it, you find out that they're still suffering from it? Still agonizing over it? It was like that. I found out that one of my recovery friends was still smarting from some stuff I'd said and done when I was still drinking. I truly don't remember, and I know that's not an excuse. And it hurt to know that I'd put someone in such a position of worry and fear for me. He's one of those people that when he talks? I listen. One of those people that gave me every hand in the book to get sober. One of those people that caught my eye from the very beginning as having the kind of life that I wanted and how come I couldn't "get it." The same sort of person that finally had to say to me, "Don't ever call me again and take my number out of your phone." And then hung up. I used to joke that in that instant I realized that no one was going to play this game with me anymore and if I didn't sober up, and fast - I'd lose even THESE people who seemed to have nothing against me. I know today how hard that was for him to say to me and how long he spent on his knees that night asking God to keep me safe from harm until I could see another day. Oh, the pain of knowing that today.

I did what I had to do and made my amends the best I could for something I don't remember doing. I did say that I knew there was nothing I could do to make it right except stay sober and work to never have to be that girl again. He so calmly told me that it was part of the deal - having to tell newcomers like it was and then gave me a big hug and said he'd tell me the part of my story that I don't remember when he thought I was ready.

I cried. Part of me doesn't even want to know and the other part of me wants to be able to face that. He's been around for 20 years, so I think he'll know when I'm ready to hear it, but for now? I have to wake up in the morning ready to face the day, knowing that I've hurt someone I've always loved, and then work my damnest to give away what was so freely given to me.

Friday. One patient. One insurance call to make. Lots of internet to peruse. Haircut at 5. It was 81 degrees at 8 this morning. I think it's summer.

Here's the part I didn't tell you about the rock climbing experience.

On our way home - giggling all the way, drinking diet coke and smoking (because of course, you have to smoke after you do something incredibly athletic), we went past the cemetary. Not planned, not anything, and suddenly I just wanted to go in and talk to him. I asked M if she thought that was weird and she said, "No, if anything, I think it might be the perfect day to do it." She turned in and we wound our way through to East Knoll, which is where he is.

For some reason, I always run my fingers over his name and the dates. That's what I do when I'm talking to him. Sometimes I kneel down. Sometimes I sit. This time, I just squatted down and said, "I miss you and I love you. And I'm getting on with my life." I cleaned up the flowers and brushed off the cement under the headstone, told him I missed him one more time, got teary-eyed and then walked away.

I used to think that missing him was an anchor in my crazy mixed up life. Like it was holding me down to keep me from floating away into nothingness. I think I just pulled up the anchor. And even though I feel a little lost and floaty, even though it's uncomfortable, I feel a little more free. I've learned in the past few months to sit with the uncomfortableness and I know I don't have to like it, I just have to do it.

Even though I know it's the right thing to do - get on with my life - there's a loss in letting him go. Not that I've wasted the time mourning or grieving him. Not that at all. But the security of his memory was also a trap that kept me from living.

I'm venturing out. Little by little. And shaping a new kind of life. Without my anchor.

Me. Rockclimbing. Yep! I did it! It felt empowering and thrilling and I can't wait to go again. Me. Rockclimbing. Wow!

In exactly 25 minutes from starting this post, I will be headed to my car for my pretend Friday night, which will include me NOT going to yoga, because I don't have yoga class on Friday. Then I'll go to a 5:30 meeting just like Friday and I will deliciously savor in my book and the backyard for quite some time. Then I have to go to the grocery store and make sure we've got everything we need for the fesitivities tomorrow. And THEN, because I rock it hard core? I'm going to bed at 9:30. I know I'm a rockstar. And this is possibly why I'm not dating or married. Ha!

I don't really enjoy the 4th of July celebrations. I'm not really quite sure why, but the thought of bugs and people and traffic jams keeps me away from the fireworks, and they're just not that cool from far away. Last year, I had a great day at the beach and somehow ended up bawling at Tallgrass about 9 p.m. Maybe I'll finally get an enjoyable one under my belt this year, but I'm not holding my breath.

We always spent the 4th with Jason's mom's family. She has a bunch of sisters who collectively own a huge greenhouse here in Sioux Falls, swear like truck drivers, drink like alcoholics, and fight like 13 year old girls who know how to bitch slap. It was an amazing day of chaos, which I usually needed a few belts of vodka in the driveway and a few bottles once there to handle. And I thought I was having fun.

I'm planning another beach day and I'm intentionally heading out to Tallgrass for the evening. (Head myself off at the pass, ha!) They're outside the city limits, so we're having lots and lots of fireworks and most all of my friends are going to be there. I'm attempting to change the way I view this holiday. I hope it works.

I always do my best thinking in the shower, and as I'm drying off this morning, out of the blue I say to myself. "Huh. A porn channel named Nippleodeon. That's funny."

And there you have it. Not suitable for children. As usual.