More Disgust of My Beautiful Body

9:38 PM Edit This 2 Comments »
I went to yoga tonight, pilates yesterday. The February slump has to go. Soon it will be March, April and May. I want to wear my bikini in June! These 60 lbs have to go! When I moved back to the Midwest, I was at my ultimate goal weight. Insert broken leg, gallbladder surgery, death of the fiance, meningitis and uncontrollable alcoholism, and we've got an extra 60 pounds to take off. Yuck. Seems impossible. Totally out of reach. But I know I can do it, and I finally WANT to. For someone who hates to sweat and lived in the south for a year, it's gotta happen. Then I read this crap about what your waist measurement should b e in relation to your height. 5 inches?!? My God. How do you take five inches off your waist? So, hence the gym and the disgusting feeling I have of my body.

I've done the Atkins diet several times with great success, and then there's nothing at the hospital cafeteria that satisfies and I'm back to fries and chicken strips. And I'm off to the races. So - grocery shopping done, low carb tortillas bought, roast beef, eggs, turkey and cheese bought and taken to work today. I had no trouble doing it last time - there was the fear of someone (to be totally unnamed) seeing me naked that was motivating. Now, I just know that I want to feel better, to do my 100s in pilates without the five inches of extra fat in the way of what should be good breathing. Yuck.

On to another subject. There's a reunion of Tallgrass alumni tomorrow night. I want to go. Sort of. There's an appreciation dinner on Saturday - for which I must look absolutely fabulous (Ha!). But do I want to do the social thing - I don't know? I really don't know. Most of the time I can come out of my shell and be the person I'm supposed to be. The other times - I just want to hide. This recovery thing is a bitch. Seriously. I "get it" some days and others I really struggle. I want to hide in my house and be the recluse I learned to be. The other days, I have to accept that people actually like being around me, look forward to seeing me and enjoy talking with me. It's still hard. After a year, I thought it might get better, but it comes and goes. Phht! I wish I could just be "me" all the time and leave it at that. Seems like I'm always a human "becoming," and never a human being.


Holly said...

honey, i loved you when i knew and i love you the way you are now so ease yourself out of that shell and let the see the beautiful you.

Meigan said...

Take it a step at a time. No one expects you to 100% - 100% of the time, you know?

And you'll get the weight off, bit by bit. You've got the right idea. I think I'm the only person that did Atkins religiously for 2 months & actually gained weight. Glad it works for you.