Therapy Tuesday Reprise
10:10 PM Edit This 6 Comments »
I finally admitted today that I'm still a bit sad that I'm approaching 36, unmarried and childless. There comes a time when I'm so okay with that and things go quite fine for awhile, and then comes the days like today when I just think there's something drastically unfair with the world.
My mother used to tell us that it was useless to say that things were unfair. There was mom and dad, and us three kids. You can't break a chocolate bar into five totally equal pieces and that's when the lesson would come to the surface. I get it already. I really do.
I see people in meetings that I don't think should have been given kids - they've been taken away and given back and taken away again. Where are mine? That sounds so self-righteous and it is. Jason and I wanted children very badly. In NC, we thought we were parents once and it ended badly. The devastation wasn't so great then as it is now actually. And yet. Whatever. I think I get resentful of it at times and at other times I understand why I don't have children.
I don't have to understand, but I do have to accept if I am to have any peace. It kills me tonight. Stupid therapy.
My mother used to tell us that it was useless to say that things were unfair. There was mom and dad, and us three kids. You can't break a chocolate bar into five totally equal pieces and that's when the lesson would come to the surface. I get it already. I really do.
I see people in meetings that I don't think should have been given kids - they've been taken away and given back and taken away again. Where are mine? That sounds so self-righteous and it is. Jason and I wanted children very badly. In NC, we thought we were parents once and it ended badly. The devastation wasn't so great then as it is now actually. And yet. Whatever. I think I get resentful of it at times and at other times I understand why I don't have children.
I don't have to understand, but I do have to accept if I am to have any peace. It kills me tonight. Stupid therapy.
6 comments:
After my dad left my mom and I struck the word "fair" from our vocabulary.
You never know what's ahead!
~Jef
we need to come up with another word for fair(not fair). I feel I need to say it too but don't want to sound like a whiny 4 year old.
I'm sorry, Katy-did. I understand the wanting of something you don't have, and the not knowing WHY you don't have something that you don't have. It kills the spirit. I can send you The Cat for a while. He's not human, but he definitely demands to be babied.
I have a friend who will wonder aloud sometimes how some people get pregnant easily and don't take care of their kids... while others are trying to get pregnant and just can't.
Did you ever think of adopting?
Some of the most incredible women I know in life aren't married & don't have kids, just like some of the ones that are & do.
It's so much about what you make of it all, kids or no kids. I love my life but sometimes think of the person I'd be without my family. She's not better or worse, but just different. Sometimes I wish we could have the chance to do life different ways.
You just have to make this way count, no matter what your journey entails.
It's a funny thing- the balance between accepting things, gratitude, and wanting something/ more/something we don't have etc.
There really is no such thing as justice- that part is true.
Post a Comment