Beautiful Spring

2:25 PM Edit This 6 Comments »
Sunday was the most beautiful day this Spring so far. Breezy, sunny, not sure if you want a sweatshirt, off and on with the socks, the whole thing. I went to a meeting in the morning, had my usual lunch with the 40-50 people who go out afterward and then sat on the lawn swing to do some long put-off hard work on my anger/grief/amends with Jason. I thought I'd wait for a sunny day in the afternoon, so I didn't have to go crazy in the middle of the night.

I remember the director at Tallgrass looking at me and laughing when I said I never get mad. He said, "You're a seething ball of rage, you just don't know it yet." I was absolutely and completely convinced that he was wrong and here I was a year and a half later, convinced that there was no way I could be angry with Jason. (Or anyone else for that matter.) My assignment was to take five pieces of paper and write one statement on each one that started with, "I hate you because..." and then flip them over and finish a statement on the back that started with, "I love you because...." Well, I got about three "I hate you's" down before I started shaking. I ran out of paper before I was so horrified by myself and what I thought of myself and of Jason during that moment, that I got sick (literally) to my stomach and vomited in the back yard. So, as usual, I called Tallgrass and went out to "talk," which actually turned into a screaming, sobbing, not-really-remembering-to-breathe hour when I let it all go. I was exhausted, I was spent, and I felt strangely empty when I was done. I even laughed before I left.

The man I was talking with said that he knew it was just a matter of time before this happened and that he was glad it had happened so soon - that it had taken him three years to get rid of the anger and grief of lost relationships in sobriety. And then he quoted the seventh step prayer, where we tell God that we're willing for Him to have all of us, good and bad. He said, "Well, God just took you up on it, and you gave him that bad part of you." And I'm like, "I've been praying to feel like THIS?????? My God, what kind of crap is that?" And then I mentioned that I was surprised that I could feel so horrible inside when it was such a beautiful spring day. Tom mentioned that perhaps it might just be the best spring day of my life - when I finally let God take away this hurt. Of course I sobbed all over again at that one.

And guess what? Now that the anger is out? It's a little out of control. Ha! There's 35 years of rage in there, wanting to spew on anyone who comes too close right now. I might be coming out of my shell a little too fast.


Malaise Inc said...

And here I was feeling sorry for myself for having to spend my day in airports rather than being out enjoying the day.

As you know, I have been struggling to deal with the depression issues of a loved one. I don't really have alot of folks I can unburden on, but I have, occasionally, talked to the marriage counselor we worked had previously worked with. He said something that has really stuck with me and is something I have shared with other people.

Emotionally, depression is suppressed anger. So, it really can be viewed as positive growth when all that rage comes to the surface. I may make you feel like shit, but you should be proud of having taken that step.

Malaise Inc said...

Umm, that last sentence should start with "It" not "I".

*hangs head in embarassment*

-Peder said...

It sounds like you're making some healthy steps. Good for you!

GreenCanary said...

I'd like to think that I'm a seething ball of rage, but that would take too much work. Rather, I'm a tepid puddle of meh.


carrster said...

Wow - you are moving forward, girl. Keep on!! I'm proud of you!!

Don Mills Diva said...

What a huge breakthrough for you.I hope this is the start of even better things for you.