Therapy Tuesday
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It's sunny today!
Therapy Tuesdays have an "either or" quality to them. I either walk away thinking, "Wow, that was good. I'm doing well, I'm on the right track." or I kind of crawl away going, "What the hell? Why is my head still so messed up? Why can't I think straight about this stuff?" followed by a day of misery while I'm trying to make sense of it all. Yesterday was a misery sort of day. I felt a lot of blah while I was talking with Carolyn, and by the time I left, my head was on the spin dry cycle. Sometimes I wonder if continuing therapy like this is the right thing to do. For the most part, I'm okay anymore. I have normal ups and downs and occasional roller coasters, which I have come to believe are pretty par for the course and no reason to go crazy pants on someone.
And yet, as Carolyn reminds me, there are areas of my relationship with Jason that are still a mystery to her and which I refuse to talk about. So, I let the secrets out, one or a few at a time and we turn them over, admire them for their tenacity and either discard them or put them in a different light. Yesterday I had an "I don't want to talk about it." five year old mentality and then something slipped out and I had to look at it. I can't retract things - once they're out there, it's like I vomited on the floor and it has to be cleaned up. You don't just put the rug on top of slimy vomit.
That was stupid Therapy Tuesday. But here's the silver lining. After mulling things over in my head all day and getting more and more pissed that I couldn't make sense of it? One of my girlfriends called. She said she needed me to come over and really wanted to talk. It's like presto-chango! She doesn't want crazy Kate to come over, she wants sane, helpful and thoughtful Kate to show up. And guess what? She did. It's amazing to me. I can put that self-pitying attitude away and be there for someone else. That couldn't happen before. I was too stuck in my own head to see that others were there - wanting and needing me as a friend. Totally changed my perspective on myself, my so-called problems and my ability to shut off my head for something more important than sorting out my twisted memories. They will always be there, for another day.
Therapy Tuesdays have an "either or" quality to them. I either walk away thinking, "Wow, that was good. I'm doing well, I'm on the right track." or I kind of crawl away going, "What the hell? Why is my head still so messed up? Why can't I think straight about this stuff?" followed by a day of misery while I'm trying to make sense of it all. Yesterday was a misery sort of day. I felt a lot of blah while I was talking with Carolyn, and by the time I left, my head was on the spin dry cycle. Sometimes I wonder if continuing therapy like this is the right thing to do. For the most part, I'm okay anymore. I have normal ups and downs and occasional roller coasters, which I have come to believe are pretty par for the course and no reason to go crazy pants on someone.
And yet, as Carolyn reminds me, there are areas of my relationship with Jason that are still a mystery to her and which I refuse to talk about. So, I let the secrets out, one or a few at a time and we turn them over, admire them for their tenacity and either discard them or put them in a different light. Yesterday I had an "I don't want to talk about it." five year old mentality and then something slipped out and I had to look at it. I can't retract things - once they're out there, it's like I vomited on the floor and it has to be cleaned up. You don't just put the rug on top of slimy vomit.
That was stupid Therapy Tuesday. But here's the silver lining. After mulling things over in my head all day and getting more and more pissed that I couldn't make sense of it? One of my girlfriends called. She said she needed me to come over and really wanted to talk. It's like presto-chango! She doesn't want crazy Kate to come over, she wants sane, helpful and thoughtful Kate to show up. And guess what? She did. It's amazing to me. I can put that self-pitying attitude away and be there for someone else. That couldn't happen before. I was too stuck in my own head to see that others were there - wanting and needing me as a friend. Totally changed my perspective on myself, my so-called problems and my ability to shut off my head for something more important than sorting out my twisted memories. They will always be there, for another day.
6 comments:
I do think sometimes that one of the best ways to relieve depression etc and the nasty thoughts that come with it is to focus on someone else.
You're doing great, be nice to yourself and speak to yourself like you are someone you love.
HUGS
Jessica
One of the things I struggled with early in my marriage was understanding that depression robbed the person of the ability to make someone else's needs a higher priority over the incessant negative self-analysis. I didn't understand that it wasn't willful selfishness. To a certain extent, my wife saw it the same way.
Coming to that understanding and being able to act on it in a positive way is a very healthy thing.
Good for you, Kate! I think we all have that relationship with our therapist... But it's good that, even when you don't want to, you talk about the things that stay hidden in our hearts and minds. Looking at the vomit is not fun, but isn't is great when the floor gets cleaned?
Well, I sometimes put a rug over the dog's vomit... and then clean it up later at better time!
Loved your metaphors. And it sounds like you are doing just great.
I think that you are awesome. The fact that even when you're feeling depressed or down or f'd up or whatever you can pull yourself together to help out a friend. It shows strength of character, compassion, loyalty and loyalty. You are a strong woman, Kate. Even on those "spin-cycle" kind of days.
You are a strong woman and a great friend and a good writer so there!
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