Stupid Wednesday

9:23 PM Edit This 5 Comments »
So, in the interest of being messed up, I miss Jason tonight. My therapist asked me yesterday to name the three best things that came out of our relationship. The number one thing was that he introduced me to recovery, the second being that the move and back from NC was the greatest adventure of my life thus far. I couldn 't think of a third thing and somehow that slays my heart. What does it mean to love and what do you do about it? Did I really love him? I don't know, but my journals say that I did and that I felt something cosmic that I can't seem to reproduce by myself.


I miss him, or do I? I miss the sober Jason that I met. I don't miss the drunk Jason. He was long gone before he physically died. I know that with all my heart. And yet? The sadness that if he had hung on he may have had the relief and happiness that I now enjoy? Damn. It slays me tonight. Sometimes I wish he was here so I could beat the shit out of him. Sometimes I wish he was here so I could make love to him. It's a toss up I guess. It still hurts, but it's getting better. He's not here. I accept that. He's never coming back. I accept that, too. And what do I do about it? I don't cry as much and I don't despair as much, but I sure as hell feel sad a lot.

5 comments:

Don Mills Diva said...

Of course you feel sad Kate, that's perfectly normal - it's great that at least you can see how much he improved your life when he was here...

GreenCanary said...

I understand the question of what it meant to love someone that is no longer a part of your life. I often wonder if I really loved the love of my life, or if I'm confusing the hoops that I had to jump through as love. It breaks my heart to question someone I was so sure of.

E said...

Time, time, and more time. It sucks and then it sucks less.
Take a hot bath and then do something happy in celebration of what you had and all that you will have again.
Your life is just opening up. There is so much more to come. Make some plans and give yourself stiuff to look forward to, even if it is just that bath and a really juicy novel. You are getting stronger every day. I see it in your posts.
Baths and chocolate make the sucky parts a little more bearable....good vibes from VT

Meigan said...

Oh Kate, he's so cute. I'm so sorry for your loss.

carrster said...

oh honey bunch. I wish I could give you a big fat hug right now.