Humility
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Pictures to come from the weekend! Saturday was one of my favorite days so far this summer. I love to just get in the car and go. We had a destination and certainly plenty of time to get there. So we headed out of town on a little road - forgot about the highway and the time and had a blast! A little coffee shop just 20 minutes out of town that we knew nothing about, a climb up the highest point in Iowa - all 1320 feet of it. Strangely, it is just called The Mound. Ha. A venture into Spirit Lake to a little ice cream shop, stalking a friend at Walmart 200 miles away from home and a wonderful recovery campout fire. We didn't spend the night, but stayed for dinner and the speaker. We followed our motorcycle friends home, in case of emergency at 11 o'clock at night and rounded it out at the Fryin' Pan watching the drunks come in from Hot Harley Nights.
You know that hot-faced feeling of pure dread when you realize that you've hurt someone you love beyond your wildest dreams? And even if you don't remember doing it, you find out that they're still suffering from it? Still agonizing over it? It was like that. I found out that one of my recovery friends was still smarting from some stuff I'd said and done when I was still drinking. I truly don't remember, and I know that's not an excuse. And it hurt to know that I'd put someone in such a position of worry and fear for me. He's one of those people that when he talks? I listen. One of those people that gave me every hand in the book to get sober. One of those people that caught my eye from the very beginning as having the kind of life that I wanted and how come I couldn't "get it." The same sort of person that finally had to say to me, "Don't ever call me again and take my number out of your phone." And then hung up. I used to joke that in that instant I realized that no one was going to play this game with me anymore and if I didn't sober up, and fast - I'd lose even THESE people who seemed to have nothing against me. I know today how hard that was for him to say to me and how long he spent on his knees that night asking God to keep me safe from harm until I could see another day. Oh, the pain of knowing that today.
I did what I had to do and made my amends the best I could for something I don't remember doing. I did say that I knew there was nothing I could do to make it right except stay sober and work to never have to be that girl again. He so calmly told me that it was part of the deal - having to tell newcomers like it was and then gave me a big hug and said he'd tell me the part of my story that I don't remember when he thought I was ready.
I cried. Part of me doesn't even want to know and the other part of me wants to be able to face that. He's been around for 20 years, so I think he'll know when I'm ready to hear it, but for now? I have to wake up in the morning ready to face the day, knowing that I've hurt someone I've always loved, and then work my damnest to give away what was so freely given to me.
You know that hot-faced feeling of pure dread when you realize that you've hurt someone you love beyond your wildest dreams? And even if you don't remember doing it, you find out that they're still suffering from it? Still agonizing over it? It was like that. I found out that one of my recovery friends was still smarting from some stuff I'd said and done when I was still drinking. I truly don't remember, and I know that's not an excuse. And it hurt to know that I'd put someone in such a position of worry and fear for me. He's one of those people that when he talks? I listen. One of those people that gave me every hand in the book to get sober. One of those people that caught my eye from the very beginning as having the kind of life that I wanted and how come I couldn't "get it." The same sort of person that finally had to say to me, "Don't ever call me again and take my number out of your phone." And then hung up. I used to joke that in that instant I realized that no one was going to play this game with me anymore and if I didn't sober up, and fast - I'd lose even THESE people who seemed to have nothing against me. I know today how hard that was for him to say to me and how long he spent on his knees that night asking God to keep me safe from harm until I could see another day. Oh, the pain of knowing that today.
I did what I had to do and made my amends the best I could for something I don't remember doing. I did say that I knew there was nothing I could do to make it right except stay sober and work to never have to be that girl again. He so calmly told me that it was part of the deal - having to tell newcomers like it was and then gave me a big hug and said he'd tell me the part of my story that I don't remember when he thought I was ready.
I cried. Part of me doesn't even want to know and the other part of me wants to be able to face that. He's been around for 20 years, so I think he'll know when I'm ready to hear it, but for now? I have to wake up in the morning ready to face the day, knowing that I've hurt someone I've always loved, and then work my damnest to give away what was so freely given to me.
4 comments:
Oh. This made my stomach hurt to read... I don't know if I'd want to know, but I don't think I'd be able to NOT know.
When it gets right down to it, you can't live your life looking in the rear view mirror. That isn't to say you should just forget everything that happened in the past (even if you don't remember it). There are some important truths in everyone's past that help put the present into context. But ya gotta be focused on what is in front of you.
If he says that he'll tell you when you are ready, it seems that he has already forgiven you. Hopefully, that should be enough for now.
Hi,
Thanks for commenting on my blog!
wow. that's pretty heavy. how wonderful, though, that he is still there for you. i agree with malaise inc - you cannot live life in the past, and it really does sound like you've already been forgiven. please don't beat yourself up over this, ok? as hard as it may be NOT to...
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