Therapy Tuesday AKA Getting On With My Life Part II
9:26 AM Edit This 9 Comments »
Here's the part I didn't tell you about the rock climbing experience.
On our way home - giggling all the way, drinking diet coke and smoking (because of course, you have to smoke after you do something incredibly athletic), we went past the cemetary. Not planned, not anything, and suddenly I just wanted to go in and talk to him. I asked M if she thought that was weird and she said, "No, if anything, I think it might be the perfect day to do it." She turned in and we wound our way through to East Knoll, which is where he is.
For some reason, I always run my fingers over his name and the dates. That's what I do when I'm talking to him. Sometimes I kneel down. Sometimes I sit. This time, I just squatted down and said, "I miss you and I love you. And I'm getting on with my life." I cleaned up the flowers and brushed off the cement under the headstone, told him I missed him one more time, got teary-eyed and then walked away.
I used to think that missing him was an anchor in my crazy mixed up life. Like it was holding me down to keep me from floating away into nothingness. I think I just pulled up the anchor. And even though I feel a little lost and floaty, even though it's uncomfortable, I feel a little more free. I've learned in the past few months to sit with the uncomfortableness and I know I don't have to like it, I just have to do it.
Even though I know it's the right thing to do - get on with my life - there's a loss in letting him go. Not that I've wasted the time mourning or grieving him. Not that at all. But the security of his memory was also a trap that kept me from living.
I'm venturing out. Little by little. And shaping a new kind of life. Without my anchor.
On our way home - giggling all the way, drinking diet coke and smoking (because of course, you have to smoke after you do something incredibly athletic), we went past the cemetary. Not planned, not anything, and suddenly I just wanted to go in and talk to him. I asked M if she thought that was weird and she said, "No, if anything, I think it might be the perfect day to do it." She turned in and we wound our way through to East Knoll, which is where he is.
For some reason, I always run my fingers over his name and the dates. That's what I do when I'm talking to him. Sometimes I kneel down. Sometimes I sit. This time, I just squatted down and said, "I miss you and I love you. And I'm getting on with my life." I cleaned up the flowers and brushed off the cement under the headstone, told him I missed him one more time, got teary-eyed and then walked away.
I used to think that missing him was an anchor in my crazy mixed up life. Like it was holding me down to keep me from floating away into nothingness. I think I just pulled up the anchor. And even though I feel a little lost and floaty, even though it's uncomfortable, I feel a little more free. I've learned in the past few months to sit with the uncomfortableness and I know I don't have to like it, I just have to do it.
Even though I know it's the right thing to do - get on with my life - there's a loss in letting him go. Not that I've wasted the time mourning or grieving him. Not that at all. But the security of his memory was also a trap that kept me from living.
I'm venturing out. Little by little. And shaping a new kind of life. Without my anchor.
9 comments:
You are brave and strong. You're not floating away, girlie. You're FLYING :-)
Don't be mad at me for this thought, but for some reason the image that popped into my mind was Bill Murray in "What About Bob?" tied to the mast yelling "I'm sailing!!"
More seriously, though, good for you.
For rock climbing and for starting to get on with your life.
Wow - Kate. That is a big deal! I think that was an important step for you - and it came naturally, not forced. I'm proud of you an anxious to see where you can sail when you're not anchored down.
I'm glad to hear that this process is happening for you. I can't wait to hear what the future brings to you, my dear. Let that wind take you where it goes and enjoy the ride.
Hey lady, you know what makes everything better? NEW SHOES. I posted the link to those on the post :-)
Stay strong!
That sounds very healthy. Hang in there!
What a great post! I'm so happy to read this. Keep strong!
while i don't know all the details surrounding this, the entry made my heart do that skippy thing when you know someone is processing some hard, heart-wrenching stuff, and it's such a privilege to watch it happen. this kind of thing, as much as it hurts, it's pretty beautiful. always reminds me of that frou frou song 'let go' - "there's beauty in the breakdown."
i don't know you too well yet, but i am so definitely 100% rooting for you.
You have a lot of strength inside you, and you should be really proud of yourself.
I am.
:)
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