Tri

11:58 AM Edit This 18 Comments »
I miss you sweetheart. I miss your easy smile. Your deep, dark eyes. Your shock of thick, black hair. I miss the music that gave you such pleasure. I miss the conversations when you forced me to have an opinion and not make yours my own.

I miss your hands. One hand could cover both mine in an instant - to stop their incessant fluttering and my nervousness at facing any of life's challenges. Your hands that traced my face, night after night as you promised me that you were memorizing it to take with you wherever you went. Your arms that held me in a desperation I can't describe. That yearning to be close. More close than skin would allow. How we could melt into one another and be safe. For just a moment.

I even miss the infuriating question you had for me every time I was afraid. "What's the worst that could happen?" And you'd repeat it until I smiled nervously or laughed, then I'd put on my big girl panties and go do whatever it was I had to do and come back and report to you that "No, it wasn't THAT bad." And you'd take me in your arms and tell me how proud you were of me. Only I didn't know then, that the worst meant that you would die and I would be left here. Alone.

I didn't know what the word ache meant. And I didn't know that losing your soulmate is the price you pay for opening up your heart and giving them everything you are.

Darling, I am rising up from your ashes. Three years ago today, all I wanted to do was to join you on that cold, hard bed. I wanted to crawl into the ambulance with your shell. I wanted and indeed did, slap the policeman that told me you were really gone and instead of slapping me back, he handed me over to your father who took me in his arms and held me as I sobbed. Three years ago today, my life ended in a way that I didn't understand. I crawled into myself because to share myself with anyone else was unfathomable. And I raged inside like a caged animal because I couldn't quite get the job done in joining you.

Like the phoenix, I am forced to fly. And today my wings are clipped.

18 comments:

Sparkling Red said...

I came here from Nilsa's blog.

You write so beautifully of your love and loss. My heart goes out to you.

Sweetly Single said...

Breath sweetie.... a love like that never dies it just changes over time to help you continue with a life that is your own.

Count your blessings and know I'm never far away if you need someone to talk to.

Dingo said...

Kate, I dont' know what to say. Thank you for sharing.

BrianAlt said...

Keep rising!

Nilsa said...

Kate, I shed a little tear from you. You said, Your hands that traced my face, night after night as you promised me that you were memorizing it to take with you wherever you went. Wherever he is today, your strength is with him. *hugs*

buffalodick said...

I hope you feel better soon- the Holidays can be a real mix of emotions..

MsDarkstar said...

Your wings aren't clipped, Kate... they're just heavy today.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, you're always so genuine.
I'm glad you're here with us.

Megkathleen said...

Beautiful and sad post. Thank you for sharing...even though I'm crying for you at work right now.

E said...

I am sharing this sad space with you and your sweet memories of Jason. The best of him lives on in you and in all the lives he touched.
And you my dear have flown in these three years. And you will continue to fly higher and some of that is because of him and what your life together meant, and all of it is because of you and your bravery and your will to live a life of intention.
Bless you Kate...

Kristen said...

Oh honey.

carrster said...

Kate, I'm so sorry that you are sad, I am so proud of you though for how far you've come. I'm so amazed by your beautiful writing and your strength. I'm so glad that you're my friend.

coconutgirl said...

oh my god. i never have the right words in these kinds of situations, and my heart just breaks for you. such a beautifully written entry. i am glad you are rising fro the ashes and learning to fly. you WILL fly. you are amazing.

LiLu said...

Oh, my god, Kate. KATE. I am wrapping you in the biggest, tightest, e-bear hug you have ever seen in your life.

I have no words... I won't pretend to know what that feels like. But know that I think you are truly amazing, just for getting out of bed each day, never mind LIVING YOUR LIFE. You are a strong ass woman.

gkgirl said...

i can't even
begin to say
that i can imagine
how hard this must be...

and how strong i think you are.

but i also wanted to say
this was some
beautiful writing...
you have a way with words.

Lindsey said...

You should be very proud of how far you have come. This post was very touching, and well written.

Paige said...

Kate

you have a gift from heaven. Thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts with me.

justsomethoughts... said...

and i'll comment here as well and say that this is a tremendous piece as well.

Lemon Gloria said...

Oh, Kate. What a beautiful expression of grief. What intense ache you convey beautifully.