Conditional

10:07 PM Edit This 15 Comments »
I've stated many, many times on my blog that I am not well versed in the ways of male/female relationships. Most of the time, I just hope for the best and forge ahead with what I know. Learning - always - along the way. Making for knowing more for the next time I give it a try. There are however, a few things that I've discovered on my own. Through recovery? Through putting my past relationships in proper perspective? I don't know. But this I DO know:

If I do not live a full life on my own - as a single woman - I don't think I have alot to offer a man in a relationship. If I am looking to "complete" some puzzle with the piece of a committed partner, then I am doing a disservice to myself and any potential partner I come across. I'm not putting every woman in this category by any means. Just myself. Because my past has been about making someone else responsible for my happiness and ordering my life for me. If he loves me "enough," then I'll be happy. If he calls me five times a day to tell me he's thinking about me, then I'll be happy. If he remembers how I like my coffee, then I'll be happy. And as it turned out, those things meant that I was asking him to prove that he loved me by making me happy. No one can make another person happy. I truly believe that. Enhancing another's life? Absolutely. Supporting their thoughts and ideas? Awesome. But to expect another PERSON to make you happy is insane in my book.

I was always the one waiting for life to begin when I met "him." I'm 36 and I met one him who is no longer around. So my life stopped again. But it's not stopped anymore. Because when I look back on it - my life was still stopped when he WAS around. Because I wasn't living, I was just waiting for things to be perfect in my little corner of the universe. THEN, I could start to be happy.

If I can't be content with myself, I'll always be looking for someone to fill the voids. And there ARE voids. There ARE times when nothing seems to satisfy but connecting with another person. But to expect that person to be right where you need them at that moment in time and then blaming them for not reading your mind? It's insanity. And I've been insane off and on for quite some time. And I don't want to be anymore.

I love my life today. Sure, I want someone to share it with. I've always wanted that. And I don't think I'll stop wanting that. But to have to have that person in order to feel like I'm living life to the fullest? Not so much anymore. I don't want to put that condition on my happiness.

15 comments:

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I've never been through recovery, but I have been a single 30-something. And to be honest, I think I learned those exact same lessons. For me, it came from not being in a committed relationship for much of my 20's and early 30's, and learning to find happiness with life, whatever it may bring. So, yeah, I echo everything you say. Nice job!

BrianAlt said...

Put yourself first. No doubt about it!

f.B said...

The full life of our own part is so key. It's supposed to be about two independent people.

Kristen said...

You know a lot of people NEVER figure that out?

NEVER.

You're going to be okay, lady.

Shania said...

Wow, girlfriend. A wise one you are.

melissalion said...

Live it up! Live it up!

Summer said...

You are learning the lessons that I should have learned BEFORE I got married. It's very hard to fix it all when you're already knee deep. So indeed, you are going to be more than fine. You are going to be fabulous.

Twinkie said...

Keep doing stuff for your own fullfillment and eventually you won't just think it, you'll KNOW IT WITH A CERTAINTY.

You go girl!!!

LiLu said...

This, my love, is what we call A Good Place. Stay there for a while.

buffalodick said...

No kids, right? Put yourself first.

Sweetly Single said...

perfect! That's the biggest most incredible revelation! You don't need a man to be complete....just to compliment exactly who you are.

~whimpers in her motherly way~ You've grown up so much!!

Sparkling Red said...

The best way to have a successful relationship is by not needing one. How's that for a paradox...
I love you means most when there's a real, strong "I" stating it.

Titania said...

This is a beautiful post, Kate, and shows what a beautiful person you are. Maybe you just needed to heal and you seem to be way on your way there... One thing, don't you say you do not have anything to offer in a relationship, for what I read, you do have tons to offer. Hugs.

Holly said...

you hit the nail on the head. hard! excellent.

Jen said...

I totally agree. Happiness is a state of mind one must create for oneself. No one else can give you that.