No More Coal Chute For You

8:43 AM Edit This 13 Comments »
People have been talking about their houses on their blogs lately. Most notably - rude cactus and the crissys. The cactus family got new windows installed a couple weeks ago, and the crissys are still working on their windows because they have to be all specially and stuff for their hysterical historical house. I think I live in a pretty historical house - it was built in the forever agos - a time when you had to have an actual coal chute.

The coal chute at our house goes directly into the dungeon room in the basement, which is where we throw all our crap do craft and construction projects. It starts in the garage - which was added onto the house after it was built. Now, I thought the coal chute would be a fun addition to play with. I mean seriously - groceries? Throw them down there! You want to pipe music into the backyard? String some speakers through there and attach it to my sound system. You see the possibilities, right?

No. I don't get these things. Why? Because Gay Boyfriend is terrified of spiders. Terrified. He can't clean the dungeon room by himself - I have to stand there with a broom and raid - ready to spray and spank anything that wiggles when he's moving boxes. I think I should get a discount on rent for this, actually. Anyways. Last summer, he decided to block all the invaders by closing off the coal chute. (This would be a really appropriate time to throw in a gay joke, so go ahead.) He got this foam spray that expands and then hardens. He sprayed bottle after bottle after bottle in there and sure enough - it expanded and puffed and then got really, really hard and sealed it with a kiss. I was very disappointed. There goes my plan for not having to carry the groceries in. And I think it takes some of the charm away from the whole house. I mean, who has coal chutes anymore? I thought it was awesome that we had one. And now we don't. And we don't have storm windows either, but more about that tomorrow.

13 comments:

buffalodick said...

You don't have to be gay to hate spiders...little bastards....

SoMi's Nilsa said...

Seeing that we get a discount on our homeowners dues if we shovel the common walkways, I think you definitely should get a discount on your rent.

lacochran said...

dungeons... spanking anything that wiggles... wait, what?

Dingo said...

Oh the wonderful potential of a coal chute! Gay boyfriend lacks a spirit of adventure. Take a chisel to that thing girl! Free the coal chute!

melissalion said...

I've never heard of a coal chute. Is this one of Crissy's words of the week?

Also, I'm not kidding of never hearing of a coal chute. I'd also never heard of oil heat until I moved to Portland and had to shell out $700 for the stupid stuff.

Summer said...

I wanna coal chute! Seriously, I'm with Gay Boyfriend on this one. TERRIFIED of spiders too.

Sparkling Red said...

That's a shame. Old houses are so much more interesting with their anachronisms intact. In my old neighbourhood some of the houses still have little mini-doors in the side wall where the milkman can pick up the old milk bottles and put the new ones in without knocking on the main door early in the morning.

f.B said...

i overreact to the sight of a spider. it's a me or it kind of approach.

Kristen said...

Wait. I think we might have a coal chute too. There's a hole and I don't know where it goes so I think that must be it. There's also a nifty little trap door in the fireplace where you sweep all the ashes and they magically disappear. I often sit awake at night wondering where the ashes go when we sweep them. Do they go to a magical fairy land? DISNEY??? DO they go to FLORIDA?

I have no idea.

I'm really sorry about your coal chute. So much wasted potential there.

PS: I don't think I'll be back tomorrow because you're going to talk about storm windows and I effing HATE storm windows.

JoLee said...

that would be a good place to hide a body or a stash. too bad it's all covered up with hard on insulation now.

t2ed said...

Blocking up the coal chute only sounds dirty. Unfortunately for Gay Boyfriend, it's not.

LiLu said...

I think hating spiders is a man thing, honestly. B can't do rats, either. What's the big deal? Just kick 'em.

Karl Gregory Jones said...

Don't hate spiders.

Make a peace treaty with them.

Go further: make a mutual defense pact with the spiders. In return for you leaving the spiders alone, the spiders will wage war on your mutual enemies: termites, ants, centipedes.