And Then I Went to Bed

6:13 AM Edit This 15 Comments »
com⋅pli⋅cat⋅ed 
–adjective
1. composed of elaborately interconnected parts; complex: complicated apparatus for measuring brain functions.
2. difficult to analyze, understand, explain, etc.: a complicated problem.


This living arrangement of mine with Gay Boyfriend has turned out to be one of the best things that's happened to me in recovery. After I found psycho ex-roommate flopping on the floor and foaming at the mouth - having taken a myriad of pills, I knew I had to get out of there. And less than a month later, Gay Boyfriend, whom I did not know very well at the time, lost his renter. Gay Boyfriend is known for taking in the strays. At the time, I would have been horrified to have been called one of his projects, but in a way, I turned out to be. At least for a little while. Living here has given me some confidence in myself. And it's also given me the opportunity to see and face some of my patterns of behavior that might not be that pretty.

Last night, I was tired. And tired means crying. Stressed means crying. And angry means crying. It's kind of my go-to behavior. Ugly crying is the worst. That's really serious stuff. And I don't do that very often. But tears streaming for a little bit is not the end of the world anymore. It usually just means I need to go to bed. So I wandered upstairs in my pajamas carrying one of my birthday presents from him. Eucalyptus Spearmint lotion from Bath and Body works. And par for the course, he followed me onto the porch with his iPod. I love this man. No words exchanged except for, "Are you okay?" And "Yep." And "Let's find something that will make you smile." After a few shaky starts with Bette Midler (gag) we ended up with the Beatles, he rubs my feet with the yummy lotion and I'm off to bed. How I ended up with him, I do not know, but it's quite wonderful.

I think I come off as complicated to people that haven't known me for very long. But really? It's quite simple. What I've found with Gay Boyfriend is that when I've let myself get too far gone with any emotion or feeling and I can't seem to shut it down for myself, a few minutes of touch is all it takes. I think touch is one of the most wonderful of human senses. Sharing that kind of intimacy with someone who cares is so very calming. Skin on skin. That's all I want and it's all I need. And for today? It works for us. And I'm so glad I have him in my life. Unconditional love is a wonderful and precious thing. And the fact that he knows exactly what I need and that it's not complicated? It makes me so happy.

15 comments:

Titania said...

This is a beautiful post, Kate. I think the capacity to cry was given to us as a gift. I also cry all the time for anything... and it's a gift, I always feel better afterward. Your gay boyfriend is your angel, for what you say it seems one of those connections where you just look at each other and you know exactly what is necessary... those are so rare. You both are lucky to have each other. Big Hug.

buffalodick said...

We wouldn't have emotions if they did not hold a purpose... Controlling them is not always easy..... They are like a safety valve, releasing pressure, lest we blow up..

Jen said...

I cry too, but I often let it accumulate and then go at it and let it all out at once. Nothing like a good cry to get things out off my system.
I find what you say about touch interetsing. I've never experienced this. When I'm sad/mad/angry/stressed I usually want to be alone. I have my coping ways, usually exercising, but other's touch is something that I hadn't even considered. I think I have been living alone for too long ; )
I'm so glad you have him in your life. It sounds like a true blessing.

carrster said...

Ah - Happy Feet...it means many things, eh?

True friends are hard to find. I'm glad you've found an awesome one (well, more than one, I know, but...uh - you know what I mean!)

Sparkling Red said...

May God bless him for being such a love to you! You're lucky - and you deserve it. Those two aren't mutually exclusive, are they? Anyway, I'm so happy you have a good friend by your side to help when you need it. It's wonderful.

melissalion said...

Ugly crying. Been there.

E said...

What a lovely man. I am so glad you too found each other. It was meant to be I think

Sweetly Single said...

I read this and said to myself... HOLY CRAP... that's me!

Isn't it amazing how most men tend to over complicate a simple solution.

Dingo said...

A good cry followed by a nap is the first step in dealing with any problem. Having a Gay Boyfriend around to rub your feet is good, too. Hugs to you and Gay Boyfriend.

Summer said...

What an awesome friend and great guy! Can I borrow him? :)

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I think we all need a Gay Boyfriend, each in our own ways. Glad you found him. And glad you're both able to establish the boundaries of your friendship.

Kristen said...

I neeeeed Gay Boyfriend.

I do the tired crying and the Straight Husband? Not so reliable in the comforting department.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

What a warm feeling. That's just awesome that he cares and was there for you in that way.

Jules said...

Man, I need to get myself one of these gay boyfriend roommates!

Jeff D'Antonio said...

There's nothing quite like having someone in your life who knows exactly what you need, exactly when you need it.

Good for you.

Jeff