Communicating With the Worst of Them

11:40 PM Edit This 13 Comments »
Words are my life. I don't know how to describe it, other than they are the medium through which I understand my existence. But I don't seem to be able to speak them. My fingers are fast and furious on the keyboard. When I was in college and writing papers, it had to be pencil on yellow legal pads, or it wasn't good enough. My journals? Always in inky pen. Not roller ball. Ink.

Words order my life. They tell me what I've experienced and what I believe in. My BA was in rhetoric, so of course - words became my being. My love. My weapon. My everything. But I can't seem to speak them. All my heart goes into my writing. When faced with something other than the weather or current events, my throat goes dry and I struggle to have an opinion. But I know that I have something to say. I sit in uncomfortable silence, when my head is racing. I have so much to say that can't seem to be released. So much. So much that it hurts me.

I know how to take action. I know how to deal with life today, but rarely does it mean talking. I love talking. I used to wait for the moment when the Dead Guy had JUST ENOUGH to drink that the conversation would fly. Just enough that I could own his soul with conversation. And I can't seem to do it anymore. It hurts too much. I let my words out few and far between. Those who know me well, know that when I talk intimately, I am scared enough or motivated enough to let it out.

My writing owns it all. I don't hold back with that. Those of you who read me, know me. Those of you who know me in person, don't understand me unless you read me.

I don't know how to make that different, but I do know that I want to use more words. It's my new challenge. To use my words, when writing would make me happier.

13 comments:

CatKrny said...

People write things that they never would say face to face. People are cautioned constantly about what they put in e-mails and so forth. It's really quite normal. Nobody expects you to pour out your soul at the coffee bar, mall or at work. Don't get down on yourself about it.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

I am a fairly adept conversationalist, however I too am much more comfortable in writing. Because I have time to think about each word before committing to it. Because I have time to think about what I want to say before I say it. Because I have time to read back over what I said and change it if it doesn't sound right. You can't do that in face to face conversation.

Writing is my release. When my mind races around in circles, writing forces me to organize those random thoughts into somewhat coherent sentences. It's the only way I can get my mind to focus. It's the only way I can express what's inside in a way that other people can understand. I can't do that in face to face conversation. Face to face, I'm good at helping other people sort out their thoughts (probably because I'm a good listener, more than anything else), but my own thoughts? I have to write about them to have any hope of expressing what's inside.

So I can relate to what you're saying here.

Lemmonex said...

When you write you can much more easily articulate what you are saying without the outside noise interrupting. Sometimes, when talking, the other person's words interfere too much...you just have to believe in the strength and truth of what you are saying.

BrianAlt said...

You write well.

Julia said...

What will you do with your words? Write a book? Use them to help out others who have themselves in a similar situation? Words on page are powerful because they aren't as transient as the spoken word which is gone as soon as it is spoken.

justjp said...

I feel you on this, the more I write the more prophetic I get. Kind of odd really.

LiLu said...

You understand your existence?

You are lightyears ahead of me. ;-)

Bob said...

The last remaining challenge from the legacy of your relationship with the Dead Guy? I'd guess you don't trust anyone enough to say these things to them. Writing provides a medium through which you can express yourself AND a buffer between you and anyone who reads. A comfortable distance.

Also, maybe, writing your feelings down makes them more real? Spoken words can be fleeting, less meaningful? The written word can be read and re-read, visceral evidence that you are real - as are your feelings.

Also, the process of writing your feelings down forces you to analyze them, at least to the extent that the written expression of them makes sense and accurately reflects how you feel.

In any case, I am sure that who you are comes across to those around you much more than you realize, even without your being able to verbally communicate it. Much can be read in how you hold yourself, your facial and body gestures, and in what you do - and don't - say.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I think we're all blessed with different strengths. Instead of worrying about perceived weaknesses, why not focus on your strengths and expand on them (ever thought of writing a book?)? I think you write beautifully.

buffalodick said...

Conversation is much more spontaneous, words printed are with us forever. When you speak, speak your mind- when you write choose your words carefully!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

I wish! I wish I could write much better than I currently do. I'm the opposite and speak way better than I could ever articulate it with my keyboard. It gets stuck up in my head and at my fingertips and I really, really hate that because I'd rather write more than I talk.

Summer said...

Much like Akilah, I communicate better verbally. I have made myself get back into writing.

Dingo said...

With writing it's just you and the paper/screen. When we talk with people, we are constantly scanning for body language and visual cues to what we are saying. It can become static to what we really want to express. Writing removes that static.