Therapy Tuesday
8:23 AM Edit This 18 Comments »
I missed Therapy Tuesday last week because reporting on meeting Captain Crab was much more interesting. Believe you me. MUCH.
Apparently, I am not going to graduate from therapy until Carolyn has completed the brainwashing job she's set out to accomplish in the sex department. I'm beginning to regret ever telling her anything about my sex life with the Dead Guy. She'd like to label all of it abusive. Me? Not so much. What's so wrong with liking aggressive sex? I mean sure, I'll admit that some of it went too far. Drunken, disorderly copulation is probably not the ideal. I'll give her that. But seriously, do I have to buy the idea that connecting with someone in bed is all butterflies and rainbows? What's the fun in that? I want dark and I want needy and I want confused breathlessness. I want to open my eyes and not know if I'm right side up or upside down. I want the thunderstorm that clears the air.
She uses words like victim and perpetrator. I HATE those words. And she knows it. So she uses them frequently, if only to get a rise out of me. I told her when I left today, that I thought perhaps I harbored a little hatred toward her in my heart. She laughed and said, "See you next week." Hrmph.
Apparently, I am not going to graduate from therapy until Carolyn has completed the brainwashing job she's set out to accomplish in the sex department. I'm beginning to regret ever telling her anything about my sex life with the Dead Guy. She'd like to label all of it abusive. Me? Not so much. What's so wrong with liking aggressive sex? I mean sure, I'll admit that some of it went too far. Drunken, disorderly copulation is probably not the ideal. I'll give her that. But seriously, do I have to buy the idea that connecting with someone in bed is all butterflies and rainbows? What's the fun in that? I want dark and I want needy and I want confused breathlessness. I want to open my eyes and not know if I'm right side up or upside down. I want the thunderstorm that clears the air.
She uses words like victim and perpetrator. I HATE those words. And she knows it. So she uses them frequently, if only to get a rise out of me. I told her when I left today, that I thought perhaps I harbored a little hatred toward her in my heart. She laughed and said, "See you next week." Hrmph.
18 comments:
Well, you have to understand where she is coming from. Pushing the envelope in healthy relationships might be fine. But in relationships that are always power struggles, it can easily be made a part of that struggle and not a healthy give and take.
She's not concerned with him, she's only concerned for you. And that's where your focus should be also.
BrianAlt makes a very good point. You also say you feel she says it often in order to get a rise out of you - I don't know what to say to that. Is she trying to get you to open up more about it or is she flat out trying to irritate you? I wouldn't even know. Sorry you feel that way, though.
As for the aggressive sex, there's nothing wrong with it as long as both parties are into it. I don't like rainbows and butterflies either. ;)
She sounds kind of aggressive herself.
Therapists are people. People are flawed. All of them (us.)
Don't give her more power than she's due. Ultimately, you make the decisions in your life.
Sounds like your therapist just doesn't understand aggressive sex. Some people aren't into that sort of thing, and it sounds like she considers you a victim because she doesn't understand it. I'm not into that either, but I know that other people are, and that's okay with me as long as both parties are into it. You're not a victim unless you are an unwilling participant.
But I also agree with the always wise BrianAlt, that it can become abusive if it's part of a larger power struggle. And I don't know enough about you to comment on that.
la is a genius: "Don't give her more power than she's due."
There is definitely a fine line. And being aware of it is a good, healthy thing. But aggressive sex isn't dangerous just because it's aggressive. God, I hope not.
can't it sometimes be rainbows and butterflies and sometimes be a thunderstorm? I mean, I think that's what makes a good lover, the ability to switch between the two.
maybe she's just making sure that your liking for aggressive sex isn't really a vestige of low self esteem; aggressive in this case meaning abusive.
If she's good, then she'll realize you have a healthy attitude about yourself and sex.
Hmmm. I don't think all aggressive sex is a sign of an "issue" at hand. I'm afraid of therapists. You're a very brave lady.
I tend to agree with Brian Alt on this. She may have been trying to get you to think about whether in the context of the relationship whether it was all in fun rough sex or just another extension of the abuse. That's not to say that therapists don't have their own ideas about what constitutes healthy sex and this may have been outside her parameters, but it certainly gives you something to think about
If you're in the place you are now, after everything that's happened and all the work you've done, looking back, and you don't see anything wrong with it...
There probably wasn't. I'm with la and fb, re: "Don't give her more power than she's due."
Several good points here. And I think I like LiLu's best when she said, "looking back, and you don't see anything wrong with it..."
That's a very good point. You know better than the therapist. But I do think she's just trying to get you to think about it, consider other angles.
Talking about sex is hard. Pun intended.
(can you tell I have nothing here? well, nothing more than what's already been offered in other comments!)
the words victim and perpetrator make me think of Dateline to Catch a Predator.
I like dark too. I don't want someone to be all sweet and kissy and soft and lovey all the time. Blech.
Unfortunately, you know what I'm going to say already. Thunder and lightening in bed is awesome. (It's great in other places, too.)
The "victim" versus "perp" language doesn't seem appropriate in the context of the truly consensual parts of a relationship. It's true that some women are abused, but they never consent to that abuse. They may feel trapped and stick around for any number of reasons, but they never consent to the physically or emotionally abusive parts of the relationship. They compartmentalize it but it hurts each and every time it happens and they know it. They never doubt that hurt and they never want it to happen again. While they may not think of it as "abuse" and may even make excuses for the behavior, they also never mistake the abusive parts of their relationship as the "fun and exciting" parts.
On the other hand, the very idea that your therapist sets out to "convince" you that you were victimized but are so misguided that you see your victimization as wholly consensual and even enjoyable speaks volumes about what is wrong with psychotherapy. If it was welcome and felt good and even uplifting to raise hell in bed, it's hard to imagine that as any sort of victimization.
So, I agree with those who caution you not to "give her more power than she's due."
Yikes, I hope my therapist NEVER asks me about my sex life! I'd probably never get out of therapy.
I think it's possible for sex to be both consentual and abusive but who gets to decide when it crosses the line? It's a good thing to think about but you also need to draw your own conclusions ultimately.
It comes down to one thing - you know the relationship, she doesn't. May the brainwashing never be complete.
I hate those words too..in fact I hate any labels. I get her point in using them, but they're not fair.
Captain Crab is interesting?
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