I Think I'm Finally Mad About Something

8:56 PM Edit This 13 Comments »
Here's a little hint for you. Comparing your divorce to the death of a loved one is not acceptable. It never will be. Am I a bitch for saying this? Perhaps. But I no longer care. Death is much different than a conscious choice. It may or may not have been YOUR choice, but it was a choice SOMEONE made. And they're still alive. Your divorce may or may not have been painful. I believe it probably was. But don't tell me that it relates. Because it doesn't. Believe me. And I am NOT saying that you do not suffer. Or that I suffer more than you. I don't. It just doesn't compare. Apples and Oranges. Period.

Don't tell me to put away my pictures. It is not up to you to decide when I'm ready. Don't tell me that I should be "further along" than I am. It is MY journey. If I want to continue the pain, I will. If I want to end it, I will do that also. Would I tell my 93 year old grandma that it's "about time she put away the pictures of my grandfather and stop dwelling on them?" No. I would not. I doubt you would either.

And don't ever. Ever. Ever. Tell me that "It's better that he's no longer suffering." It's never better that he's gone. Never. And if someday I decide that it's better that he's no longer suffering, that's up to me. It's MY grief.

Will I ever love again? Perhaps. I have a heart FULL of love. But I will probably never stop loving him. And if you're not okay with that, then you don't belong in my life. There is enough love to go around. Always. If you have more than one child, you understand this. It doesn't mean I love you any less. It means I love you more. For knowing that I loved another and are willing to accept that.

Death is a forever thing. Kiki my siamese - is a whiny brat. Every morning when she's finally ready to get up (which is usually right after my shower and I'm thinking about putting on makeup and getting dressed) whines and cries and demands that I stop everything I'm doing and pet her. She wants to be petted awake and secure for the day. Death is so much like that. Every morning, I face it. Every morning, it knocks on my door and reminds me that it's there. Every day, I look death in the face and pet it before it gets out of control whiny and takes over my brain. To not acknowledge it is to let it grow into discontent. If I don't indeed, pet Kiki in the morning, she's even more horrible when I get home at night. Demanding attention. Crying until I stop everything and attend to her. If I attend to the acknowledgement of death, it will crawl into the recesses of my brain for the day and let me be. If I ignore it and let it grow, it takes over and blocks out any ray of light I come across.

I don't enjoy this process. I don't like that every time I pass the cemetary I think of him. I don't like that my first thought in the morning is that he's gone. Never to return. But I have to acknowledge it or I can't function. And acknowledging it is facing myself in the mirror every day and saying quietly to myself that I can do it. I can keep on living and enjoying my life whether he's here or not. I woke up this morning and thought, "He's been gone three and a half years." Which on any given day seems like an eternity and on another day seems like yesterday. It hasn't been that long. And I keep expecting me to feel "better." Well, I don't. Why I want myself to "heal faster," I will not know. And in the meantime, don't push me. I'm not ready.

13 comments:

Lemmonex said...

I wish I could say something wildly insightful here but I cannot because you have already said it all.

Thank you for speaking your truth so clearly and thoughtfully.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

No words here either. Just a gentle hug through the wires of the internet, if only such a thing were possible.

Knot said...

I don't think you are a bitch. I think a divorce can be tougher in that if you are attached to the person it's tough knowing they are still around and living live without you. There's almost like a lingering gnawing at you.

Death, although not easier, has a finality to it that you can come to grips with. Both are tough. But I'd say death wins in the finality department.

buffalodick said...

No one can ever know exactly how or why a person feels the way they do. I offer advice when asked, I offer sympathy when needed.. When it's oblivious the person is still pondering what to.. I offer silence. 9 times out of 10, they will figure it out themselves..

lacochran said...

Grief is different in every situation. There is no one right way to experience it. I'm sorry you've had to experience it but it's not for me or anyone else to define what's acceptable. That's all you. If you feel like you're handling it well, you probably are. If you feel like you aren't, you probably aren't.

That is all.

Sweetly Single said...

YOU GO GIRL!

Divorce is never the same thing.....you can't get closure from a dead guy.....

You have every right to be mad....You have every right to still feel the pain

For all of the things that you have gone through....and do to heal yourself......You deserve a freaking award!

I'm behind you every step babe

Daisee579 said...

I, too, am behind you - even if it's from 1000000 miles away. I think you are absolutely right about what you've said here.

The only time that I've heard death and divorce compared is in the mourning of the loss. As in, you have the right to mourn the loss of your family as you knew it, or your marriage or your parents' marriage, etc. It was a concept that helped me with a family situation and helped me understand it was okay to be sad about a divorce. Other than that ending of something that once was, it's really nothing like death. really at all.

LiLu said...

You are incredible, lady. I hope knowing that each and every one of us is inspired by you (and not in the cheesy way, but in the ACTUAL way) every single day helps just a teeny bit.

xoxo

Twinkie said...

I'm gonna think of this rant every single time I try to think of something to say to someone who is grieving to make sure I don't say the wrong thing.

CatKrny said...

If you were to wake up and not think of him first thing, would you feel relieved to be moving on or guilty to be "forgetting" the love of your life?

Dingo said...

When someone dies or gets divorced, I never know what to say to the friends and family because each person feels the loss differently. What may be appropriate in one situation would be wildly inappropriate for another. Grief is a bitch.

Jen said...

I hate to be rushed, pushed or pressured into something. I need to do things my way and in my time, if not they just don't work for me. Good for you for knowing what you need and not being afraid of letting people know when to back off.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I can't tell you how many times I've experienced or witnessed people putting their own expectations, their own beliefs, the own visions onto others and expecting others to take the bait. Let's face it, humans are an insanely self-centric bunch. And it infuriates me to no end when others open their mouths without thinking about the consequences of what they are saying. I'm glad your loud voice is telling people to mind their own business and let your travel your path the way you want to do it.