The Jealousy Prevails

8:13 PM Edit This 8 Comments »
I know better than to call anyone right now. I'm wallowing in self pity. Recovering alcoholics don't allow that. And I SO know that I will get over it. I don't even call when I get like this anymore. I know better than to ask. I won't hear anything I want to hear. I got a message from my little brother tonight. Baby Z is not here yet, but he's so expectant. So happy. So... I don't know. So exuberant. He has no illusions. And he's ecstatic. That's a lot of "E" words, but it's what it is. And I'm so jealous. I want to make that go away. The jealousy, not the exuberance. That's awesome. The excitement. I wish it was catching over the phone.

Why? Why didn't I have the baby? Why haven't I been married for ten years? What's so wrong with me that makes that impossible? I'm so sad and I'm so super lonely. And I know these questions are horrid. And only serve to hurt and not help. I know that nothing good would have come from me marrying The Dead Guy. I know that if we'd had the baby that I lost, my life would be tremendously different and difficult. But I'm self-important tonight. I miss him and I miss the baby that I didn't have and probably would have gotten taken away from me in my addiction.

What makes me so insane, I don't know. The loneliness, I suppose.

8 comments:

Lemmonex said...

Kate, you are human. A little wallowing is ok.

BrianAlt said...

You have so much good in your life. Maybe you need to write down all those good things so in times like this you can remind yourself of that.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

Yeah, what Lemmonex said. I can't tell you how many non-addicts I know who would have the exact same reaction as you. Who HAVE had the exact same reaction as you. You're allowed to want children. You're allowed to be sad it hasn't happened yet. You're allowed to wish things were different. For a little while, at least. But, you can't let that get you down. You use that feeling to make yourself better. To put yourself in a position of having children of your own at some point in your future. It can happen. And will if you let it.

Daisee579 said...

I'm not an addict, but I can completely understand that kind of lonliness, sadness, jealousy, etc. - I've been there too. I think it's normal and human to feel the things you're feeling. Now if you go crazy and act on them and kill someone or start drinking again, well, then you'd be in trouble. But you're okay. You wrote it, got it out and allowed yourself to acknowledge how you feel.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

I'm sorry. For all of it - the loneliness, your unborn child, your feelings of jealousy, for missing him, for everything you've lost. I'm sorry.

That's not self pity, Kate. It's real human emotions. It's the price we all pay for being able to feel.

carrster said...

I agree with all of the above. So many times in this world/life/society/whatever we're meant to feel that it's NOT OKAY to feel bad for ourselves because our lives haven't worked out (yet) how we want them too. I say it IS okay to feel those things. Absolutely. I'm sorry these things haven't happened for you (yet). But I have faith. :)

melissalion said...

I get jealous too. And then I remember there's enough to go around. And what's more, someone who has something I want, hasn't taken anything from me.

Holly said...

Having just had a convo with a friend the other night who, due to medical issues, will likely never be able to have kids, please know that what you are feeling is perfectly OK. She's there too and feels much the same way.

I tell you what I tell her. Please realize the love you have to share is important, not to lose hope and keep smiling. You never know what is around the corner.