Stay Put. And Enjoy It.
8:50 PM Edit This 12 Comments »
I'm writing about The Dead Guy. I never knew that I had that much in me. The memories are bright and fluid. Sometimes I have to discern what is truth and what is fantasy. This may or may not be a good path for me, but I've embarked on it. The good thing is, I think I'm able to leave things where they belong. In the past. I stop when I get too confused about reality, which is so awesome, because I never used to know the difference.
What an incredible meeting tonight. We talked about sex. And not just sex as in the act of sex, but what intimacy is and what it means to connect with someone and what trust really means. Very rarely do our meetings center on this topic. It's too embarassing and too raw and so close to home that it's hard to be honest. But this particular meeting is full of people who know each other well. People whom it's okay to tell the truth to. I admitted that I'm pretty sure that dating is out of the picture for me for awhile. My old behaviors - the neediness, the attention seeking and manipulation all come rushing back the minute I think someone likes me. And that's not who I want to be in relationship today. And until I can figure out how NOT to be that person, I think I should just lay off. Why involve someone else in the crazy that is my head when I don't even know how to manage it myself? Until I can be the woman I want to be in all areas of my life, I'd rather just stay put.
What an incredible meeting tonight. We talked about sex. And not just sex as in the act of sex, but what intimacy is and what it means to connect with someone and what trust really means. Very rarely do our meetings center on this topic. It's too embarassing and too raw and so close to home that it's hard to be honest. But this particular meeting is full of people who know each other well. People whom it's okay to tell the truth to. I admitted that I'm pretty sure that dating is out of the picture for me for awhile. My old behaviors - the neediness, the attention seeking and manipulation all come rushing back the minute I think someone likes me. And that's not who I want to be in relationship today. And until I can figure out how NOT to be that person, I think I should just lay off. Why involve someone else in the crazy that is my head when I don't even know how to manage it myself? Until I can be the woman I want to be in all areas of my life, I'd rather just stay put.
12 comments:
If you are writing a novel, the distinction between truth and fantasy would not seem particularly relevant. In fact, it's not even all that relevant for nonfiction. It only becomes really meaningful when it means the difference between finally finding a lamp you love for your bedroom or instead coming to appreciate your beautifully padded room.
Will you ever be the woman you want to be in all areas of your life? That's a sweet goal, but if I am ever the man I want to be in all areas of my life, people will wonder whether I ever use my x-ray vision for all the wrong reasons.
Anyways, I'm sure you're writing something perfectly awesome and I hope you share.
Of course you can do anything you want. Date. Don't date.
But my reaction to reading this is that you are holding yourself to an impossible standard. We're all imperfect and in progress. The trick is finding a good complement (someone who is also imperfect and in progress in equal and opposite ways.)
Some times we all have these issues, they just manifest in other ways...
I'm glad you're writing about J (sorry, I just can't bring myself to call him Dead Guy...). I think that's great. I know we've discussed before about how therapeutic writing can be. Sometimes you have feelings that are locked up so tightly inside your head that you don't even know they're there until you sit down and start writing about them, and then it all just comes rushing out. And the act of writing forces you to organize your thoughts into something coherent, and put them into words. I've long believed that we (humans) are incapable of understanding our thoughts without words, and I believe our ability to think in words is what separates us from the apes. So when our heads are full of nameless thoughts and emotions, they just get all jumbled up and confuse us. Writing about them helps to put them into words, and once you have words for them you can sort them out and figure out what they mean. So I'm really glad you're doing that. I'd love to read it if you're willing to share.
As for not dating until you've figured out how to control the crazy? In my experience, when the right person comes along, the crazy will take care of itself. Mine did (and I was WAY crazier than you). Don't run away from Mr. Right just because you're afraid he'll see the crazy. If he really is Mr. Right, he'll accept it as part of who you are and love you anyway.
Sometimes I wish I could have just been ALONE after I started my journey of recovery to enjoy ME. Other times and most of the time I realize I would not have the growth I have without the intimate relationship, the gift of love I have with my husband. It was what was right for me. YOU KNOW YOU and you are in the journey with yourself and the best thing I've found for me is KNOWING this inspite of what everyone else might say or think. Everyday...taking your path and walking on it the way that is absolute best for you. I think one of the biggest blessings for me about recovery is that I might make a different choice tomorrow, and that is okay. I can say NO today because today that is what I need, but tomorrow I might say yes and so on, but the real piece of this for me is that I THINK about it now rather than just ACT about it. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I was actually thinking about that when you were talking about dating and various dates. I think that's a very healthy attitude.
So, what are you doing Friday night?
No matter what our history, I think we all need time to ourselves to grow. To learn from our past. To figure out what it is we want and need out of our lives and the relationships in our lives.
But, as someone said above, I think there comes a time when we need to make a leap of faith. Because life is fluid and constantly changing, we won't ever fully be able to answer those questions about ourselves. So, at some point, we just have to trust that we have the tools we need to adjust as necessary. And share all that is wonderful and all that is quirky about ourselves with someone else.
Only you, though, can truly answer the question of "when" for yourself.
I can't wait to read it. You should send it to me.
Also, I could have written this in the email I still need to write back to you.
One of my wise friends told me once....we can only hope to find someone who is just as messed up as we are but in the opposite way.
It's ok to wait until you are comfortable with who you are...I mean seriously if you really want I can be your date ;) or internet stalker....whatever....totally here for you though! Loveya beautiful!
It's so great to be able to discuss sex in a supportive, open environment. For a while I was in an all-female therapy group, and we really got into the subject some days. It's healthy to lay it all out on the table once in a while.
Sweetly Single is right. You need to start trolling at a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting.
I really like Robert Augustus Masters' musings on sexuality. His website is linked on my blog, if you're interested.
What continues to amaze me about blogging is how often someone will post about exactly what I was thinking about, or inspire me to think in a new direction that I end up blogging about, such as the other shoe post, which is soon to come. That same post is also about discernment, although discussed in slightly different terms than you use here.
I'm a big nerd about pointing out all kinds of connections - don't mind me.
Post a Comment