New Life

So, one of the new things that I get to "practice" all the time in this new life of mine is actually CONFRONTING people when they do things that irritate me or cause me to go dashing to the silverware drawer for weapons. My track record includes things like "Just ignore it." And "It's not worth bringing up." And "He won't like me if I tell him that." AND AND AND. And then my head explodes because I have all these FEELINGS and my irritation has billowed into INSANE INFURIATION AND EVERYONE MUST DIE, but I can't say those things to people, so then I think I'M the one that must die and well - that's bad. And that kind of thinking keeps me stuck, stuck, stuck in whinypantsland, where I no longer want to live. My sponsor tells me that if I'm not willing to take action to fix something - either in myself or in a situation, then she isn't going to listen to me. And believe me, the click of her hanging up on me strikes dread in my heart to this very day.

Here's a prime example of taking action. One I'm insanely proud of.

Gay Boyfriend is an attention whore. He even admits it. When he asks me to help do something like, "Mow the yard." or "Clean out the gutters." he always adds, "You don't have to do anything. I just want an audience." And if the moon is waxing and I'm not waning, I may occasionally take him up on it. But not usually. Definitely not usually. And he knows this. I am a supreme disappointment to him as a renter because I don't LIKE to be the audience. In fact, when I agreed to be the audience to him cleaning out the garage, I finally got so sick of him holding up each and every screw driver saying, "Where does THIS one go?" And I'm all, "IN THE TOOLBOX LIKE THE LAST ONE MOTHERFUCKER!" That I just got up and started flinging things out to the driveway and tossing and pillaging and well - I did it. And he was SO EXCITED that I was going to be his NEW BFF because I finally gave in and PLAYED WITH HIM, that he followed me around the house for weeks in desperation for a repeat performance. Sigh. He hates me for that. I think he would rather I sit on a little stool in the corner of his kitchen while he washes his dishes every night, hanging on his every word and nodding in the appropriate places. Instead, I'm a horrible harpy and say things like, "I would NEVER sit on that stool! How long has it been since you cleaned ANYTHING in this house? You're disgusting! You're VILE. I can't even let my friends pee in your TOILET it's so gross!" Then I stomp back downstairs.

And he thinks it's funny. But really it's not. So alot of times, I have to quietly explain to him on a later date, that I really am serious and that I really can't let my friends use his bathroom because I'm horrified by it and then he's all like, "What? Really?" Yeah. Wasn't kidding the first time, asshole. See? Confronting in LUUUUUVVVVVSSSS. I'm so sweet sometimes it would sicken you.

I usually leave my door unlocked while I'm downstairs. I don't mind him coming in and we've discussed the whole - knockbeforeyouenter thing previously (The last of which was last week. It's a repeat game that he can usually remember the rules to for about two weeks.) But his habit of sticking his head in and seeing - blatantly SEEING me on my phone, watching my lips move and hearing sound come out of my mouth - and then asking me a question absolutely sends me around the bend. My original tactic was to wave him away with my hands while pointing to the phone. And he'd repeat the question like I hadn't heard him. So then I'd get up and walk into another room. AND HE WOULD FOLLOW ME and ask again. And to make it stop, I will ask the person on the line to hold on for a second and say, "I'm on the PHONE. I'll be up later." And he stands there like he's going to wait. Until he gives me the puppy dog eyes because I'm "ignoring him" and leaves. What? That's just WRONG. I'm not going to hang up on my grandma because you want me to know that you DVRed Glee and intend to watch it all winter.

So, I patiently go upstairs when I'm done and ask him what he wants and he's pouting and I explain that it's really rude to ask people to attend to them while they're on the phone with another person and that I can't multitask like that and when it's my grandma and she hears voices she's all, "Oh! Someone's there! I'm so sorry! I'll let you go!" And I'm all "Nooooooo!" And even if I get her convinced that it's nothing, she's still skitterish for the rest of the phone call and YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO GRAMMIE OR I WILL LAZER YOUR EYEBALLS OUT! And I'm being totally serious here. He doesn't GET it. So, last night - the whole scenario repeats itself. He barges in with two bottles and instead of shooing him off, I just get up and leave and walk into my kitchen because I know how this will play out and he wants to know if I want them. THEY'RE FUCKING EMPTY BOTTLES. I just shake my head and turn away and he gets the puppy dog eyes, I ask my mom to hold and I say, "Get out." Because I'm done being nice.

So. Evasive tactics have failed me. All non-verbal cues were ignored. Direct tactics have also failed me. Rational conversations about how much that kind of behavior upsets me have failed. And now? I employ the squirt gun tactic. The one you get to train your cats to get off the counter and stay away from your plants. I will squirt him until he leaves, then lock the door. And there will be no discussion afterward. Because I tried. I really, really tried. I think I deserve a medal already.