Evasive and Direct Tactics Have Failed: Going In For The Kill

4:13 PM Edit This 12 Comments »
So, one of the new things that I get to "practice" all the time in this new life of mine is actually CONFRONTING people when they do things that irritate me or cause me to go dashing to the silverware drawer for weapons. My track record includes things like "Just ignore it." And "It's not worth bringing up." And "He won't like me if I tell him that." AND AND AND. And then my head explodes because I have all these FEELINGS and my irritation has billowed into INSANE INFURIATION AND EVERYONE MUST DIE, but I can't say those things to people, so then I think I'M the one that must die and well - that's bad. And that kind of thinking keeps me stuck, stuck, stuck in whinypantsland, where I no longer want to live. My sponsor tells me that if I'm not willing to take action to fix something - either in myself or in a situation, then she isn't going to listen to me. And believe me, the click of her hanging up on me strikes dread in my heart to this very day.

Here's a prime example of taking action. One I'm insanely proud of.

Gay Boyfriend is an attention whore. He even admits it. When he asks me to help do something like, "Mow the yard." or "Clean out the gutters." he always adds, "You don't have to do anything. I just want an audience." And if the moon is waxing and I'm not waning, I may occasionally take him up on it. But not usually. Definitely not usually. And he knows this. I am a supreme disappointment to him as a renter because I don't LIKE to be the audience. In fact, when I agreed to be the audience to him cleaning out the garage, I finally got so sick of him holding up each and every screw driver saying, "Where does THIS one go?" And I'm all, "IN THE TOOLBOX LIKE THE LAST ONE MOTHERFUCKER!" That I just got up and started flinging things out to the driveway and tossing and pillaging and well - I did it. And he was SO EXCITED that I was going to be his NEW BFF because I finally gave in and PLAYED WITH HIM, that he followed me around the house for weeks in desperation for a repeat performance. Sigh. He hates me for that. I think he would rather I sit on a little stool in the corner of his kitchen while he washes his dishes every night, hanging on his every word and nodding in the appropriate places. Instead, I'm a horrible harpy and say things like, "I would NEVER sit on that stool! How long has it been since you cleaned ANYTHING in this house? You're disgusting! You're VILE. I can't even let my friends pee in your TOILET it's so gross!" Then I stomp back downstairs.

And he thinks it's funny. But really it's not. So alot of times, I have to quietly explain to him on a later date, that I really am serious and that I really can't let my friends use his bathroom because I'm horrified by it and then he's all like, "What? Really?" Yeah. Wasn't kidding the first time, asshole. See? Confronting in LUUUUUVVVVVSSSS. I'm so sweet sometimes it would sicken you.

I usually leave my door unlocked while I'm downstairs. I don't mind him coming in and we've discussed the whole - knockbeforeyouenter thing previously (The last of which was last week. It's a repeat game that he can usually remember the rules to for about two weeks.) But his habit of sticking his head in and seeing - blatantly SEEING me on my phone, watching my lips move and hearing sound come out of my mouth - and then asking me a question absolutely sends me around the bend. My original tactic was to wave him away with my hands while pointing to the phone. And he'd repeat the question like I hadn't heard him. So then I'd get up and walk into another room. AND HE WOULD FOLLOW ME and ask again. And to make it stop, I will ask the person on the line to hold on for a second and say, "I'm on the PHONE. I'll be up later." And he stands there like he's going to wait. Until he gives me the puppy dog eyes because I'm "ignoring him" and leaves. What? That's just WRONG. I'm not going to hang up on my grandma because you want me to know that you DVRed Glee and intend to watch it all winter.

So, I patiently go upstairs when I'm done and ask him what he wants and he's pouting and I explain that it's really rude to ask people to attend to them while they're on the phone with another person and that I can't multitask like that and when it's my grandma and she hears voices she's all, "Oh! Someone's there! I'm so sorry! I'll let you go!" And I'm all "Nooooooo!" And even if I get her convinced that it's nothing, she's still skitterish for the rest of the phone call and YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO GRAMMIE OR I WILL LAZER YOUR EYEBALLS OUT! And I'm being totally serious here. He doesn't GET it. So, last night - the whole scenario repeats itself. He barges in with two bottles and instead of shooing him off, I just get up and leave and walk into my kitchen because I know how this will play out and he wants to know if I want them. THEY'RE FUCKING EMPTY BOTTLES. I just shake my head and turn away and he gets the puppy dog eyes, I ask my mom to hold and I say, "Get out." Because I'm done being nice.

So. Evasive tactics have failed me. All non-verbal cues were ignored. Direct tactics have also failed me. Rational conversations about how much that kind of behavior upsets me have failed. And now? I employ the squirt gun tactic. The one you get to train your cats to get off the counter and stay away from your plants. I will squirt him until he leaves, then lock the door. And there will be no discussion afterward. Because I tried. I really, really tried. I think I deserve a medal already.


anne h said...

I know we just met, so to speak, but you don't sound too happy.
Any plans for a change in your future?
I hope it can be so.
People deserve better in life than that.
*hugs* to you!

Kristen said...

He sounds like an annoying little sister.

Shoot him.

clearness said...

Slapping my knee and yelling "LOVE IT!!" over and over again

Also, Gay Boyfriend is a slob? Isn't that like a prerequisite to being gay? Being a neat freak? I mean, hasn't he watched that one show with the two gay guys that is now no longer on..........Will and Grace

GreenCanary said...

I'm totally with clearness on this one. Gay Boyfriend is ruining gayness for me.

Also, be sure to let him know that people whose toilets are unsittable don't get laid. Because if you don't keep your throne clean, it's fairly certain you don't keep your junk clean and no one wants to get up close and personal with dirty junk. I'm just sayin'.

Ink Spiller said...

You do have a super soaker water gun to squirt him with don't you? Or maybe you'll need a hose come to think of it......

BrianAlt said...

What an asshole!

Stop thinking you're the one without social skills, cause it's clear that it's HIM without the social skills!

The Good Cook said...

Lock the Door, Lock the Door, Lock the Door. Gay Boyfriend needs to learn boundaries.

Don't fall for the puppy dog eyes either... it is a well rehearsed tactic for getting your way or getting out of trouble.

Lock the door.

Ken said...


good idea.

set it and forget it!

Anonymous said...

That sucks. Especially when you're stuck inside due to the weather. If the water gun doesn't work, might I suggest a stun gun?

LiLu said...

I think, if I had thought of the squirt gun tactic, that my gay BF and I may have made it living together for more than a month.


Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

You have much more patience with gay boyfriend than I do. I think I would've bolted my door from the inside to prevent shit like that.

A long time ago, a boss once told me that it's OK to complain about a problem so long as you offer a better solution. Because if you don't offer a better solution, then you're just part of the problem. I've never forgotten that advice. I'm not sure how it applies here, but it came to mind.


hahahaha! But I would not rely on simple water. No doubt he will bob his head, think you're giving him a drink and start demanding it.
Better douse him with either lighter fluid or real orangey tan!

* Depending on how direct you want to be. :)