Happy Feet Friday

9:36 PM Edit This 23 Comments »
Yes. That is my disgusting foot. I made you look at my disgusting foot. And that's my blister. Not on my heel, but ABOVE my heel - where my shoe rubs if I wear little socks. It's owie. And I hate it. Because I've been so excited about the gym and now? Well. I have to be careful. I've always had trouble with this stupid foot because it's a whole size smaller than my other foot. And it does stupid shit like this. Like get blisters. And I don't want to stop walking. Because for some reason, it's doing something for me. Like make me feel better. And I don't want it to end.

I had a minor meltdown today at work. I try really hard not to cry at work these days. But I spend so very much time alone, that's it's super hard not to go into the recesses of my brain and I have a hard time getting back out. Cowgirl texted me this afternoon to tell me that she's having a boy. And after three girls, I'm sure her husband is super excited and I said so, and asked how she was feeling. And she said, "Pretty much the same since before I knew." And well, the tears welled up and I tried my best to keep them in, which meant notbeingabletobreathetryingnottocry sort of thing, but in the end, they leaked out. The tears. Because she doesn't want this baby. And I want so, so, so much to have a partner and a baby that it sometimes slays my soul. I KNOW that's not in the cards for me today. I know that with every fiber of my being. But it hurts. Those lifelong disappointments. They hurt. Like bad, bad hurt.

Most of the time I try to ignore them. I put on a happy face and put all the hurts in pretty little packages and store them away in the recesses of my brain and for the most part - really believe that I'm okay. But then something happens and those presents come out and I have to untie the pretty bow and Pandora's box erupts and rips into my heart. And well? It's kind of hard to shove those feelings back into the pretty box and go on with life.

And for the most part, I just don't fucking want to. Go on with life. Because I'm not getting the things I want. And somehow, that has to be okay. But it's not. So, acceptance, acceptance, acceptance, and when does the fucking acceptance stop and living begin? I don't know. And it hurts. It hurts so very much tonight. All those dreams. That I don't get to have. And as I'm sitting in Gay Boyfriend's fucking basement, looking at the cat hair that I need to vaccuum up, it suddenly seems too much to bear. And I can't do it anymore. I just can't.

So, I deleted my profile on match.com and I took my name off the temporary sponsor list at the club. Because frankly? I have nothing to give right now. Not a goddamn thing except self pity and hatred. And I'm angry. So very angry. And I don't DO angry. So, I'm up shit creek. And I'm not even sure I want a paddle.

23 comments:

The Pollinatrix said...

Kate, I so understand where you're coming from. For me it's not having kids, but having a partner. It's loving someone and not being able to make it stop, even though we can't be together. It's the deep wanting that can't be denied. I know. I know. It sucks.

The only suggestion I have for you is the one I've been following myself which is to check out thework.com and see if that method helps. It's definitely been helping me in amazing ways to deal with overwhelming pain, dread, and despair.

You're not alone.

Ink Spiller said...

I so feel this Kate. The frustration. The anger. The pain. The feeling powerless. I won't say it will get better because you wouldn't believe me but please know it will get different at least. Cry. Scream. Find a good friend to hold you and if there's nobody know I feel this with you.

Bob said...

I hope with the dawn of a new day you are feeling better.

Now is worst time to act on your impulses, because you know that this is just a temporary funk. Taking down your dating profile because you're lonely? make sense? Taking your name off of the sponsor's list? One of the best ways to put your troubles in perspective is to get involved with someone who's troubles make yours seem insignificant. Plus - helping others gives you a purpose and sense of accomplishment.

You do what you have to do, maybe a good wallow is what you need - get it out of your system.

Or maybe you can call a friend and get out for a bit.

I'm sorry you're hurting. But believe it or not, you have the power and strength to deal with it. I know it. And deep down, so do you.

The Good Cook said...

Oh Sweetie - I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

But it will pass.
Say it, this will pass.

You know you have a lot to give. You KNOW this to be true. Taking your name off match.com does not solve your lonliness. Looking into a future and seeing nothing is not reality. The future hasn't been written yet and guess what? YOU GET TO WRITE IT.

Have a good cry. Get a good nights sleep. HUG YOURSELF. Do something special for yourself.

And my last piece of advice? Throw out the short socks and buy some Thorlo running socks. They are the best running socks on the market. They will truly make your feet happy. And happy feet make a whole girl happy.

ps. you can buy them in different thicknesses - my suggestion, buy a thinner pair for you "big" foot and a thicker pair for your small foot - you get the idea. It will balance the difference out. And you know those extra gromet holes in your sneakers, the ones that reach all the way back? use them for your small foot, they will snug up your sneaker. Say goodbye to blisters.

Feel better.

BrianAlt said...

Not so happy feet friday.

:'(

The stories and life of a 10-toed North Dakotan said...

Thinking of you K8. Sorry for all you're going through.
No advice from me-- just best wishes to you this morning. I hope the comments here bring you comfort :)

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I think that blister alone would make me cry. I'm glad to hear you need a helluva lot more than that to make you cry. [Insert canned laughter here at my sour attempt to make a funny.]

You know, I think it's ok that you feel down about your situation. About Cowgirl's situation. About your relative place in this world. But, don't stay down for long.

Use this as an opportunity to figure out how to make things right. Whether it's getting more involved in your jobs and your volunteer commitments? Finding a new exercise goal to achieve? Moving to a new town? I dunno, but you just need to play with the variables a bit to chance not only how you feel, but how the world feels about you!

MsDarkstar said...

Dear K8,

I Love you.

That is all.

MsDarkstar

Jeff D'Antonio said...

You know, as I was reading this, I was trying to think of what I could say to you. I had a few thoughts, and then I read the comments from those who got here before me.

And they said exactly what I was thinking. Especially Bob and The Good Cook. They nailed it. So I have nothing to add, really, except to say that I'm thinking of you.

Feel better.

Summer said...

Honeybunny, I'm sorry you're feeling low right now. If I could hug you tight and make you a nice cup of tea, I would.

Sometimes we just can't give anymore of ourselves at certain points in time, and that's okay. Take a day or two to replenish your soul. AND for the love of God, please put some Neosporin on that blister.

Shania said...

I think you have every right in the world to be angry and whatever else you're feeling. Angry is ok, so is sad, and mad, and hurt, and anything else you feel. Take comfort in the fact that at least you have the energy to feel. Sucky though that is right now.

melissalion said...

Blisters and getting rubbed wrong everywhere.

Keep on walkin' lady.

Eric said...

I get that feeling from time to time. No kids that is, not blisters from wearing girly socks because that would just be weird.

I usually make something like a sculpture, mosaic, or fresco to get my mind off it. Or go to 24 Hour for a workout.

bustysatan said...

Wanting and not having sucks. And I say that because I'm there too (except not with babies). I'm sorry things are rough right now.

As for the blister? Let that sucker dry out and then attack the heel with BodyGlide for future workouts. Or thick white medical tape. (I always used the latter with pointe shoes which are notorious for causing the kinds of blisters that have you bleeding through your pink satin shoes.)

Jen said...

A few weeks ago I started reading The Wishing Year by Noelle Oxenhandler and even though I barely have time to fun-read these days, the little bits of it I've read so far I really like. She's filled with doubts yet she sets herself up to accomplish 3 wished in one year, by positive thinking and putting it out there. I find it inspiring, who knows, maybe you will too.

clearness said...

It's a whole size smaller. Do you know why, or is it just a thing?

Well, just so you know you can go to Nordstrom and they will sell you just one pair of shoes and they will each fit your feet. They will size your left foot then your right foot and pull out a size from each pair of shoes that you need and only charge you for ONE pair of shoes.

buffalodick said...

No one can tell you what or what not to take to heart... Some stuff still gets me,when I shouldn't let it.

Josephine said...

You'll get your partner and your baby. You're smart and funny. If I can see this from where I'm sitting, what will the people who know you in person think? Don't worry, be happy. :)

TMC said...

awww, Kate. I understand pulling back from life because you know you need some work but please don't think yourself deeper into a rut.

Kelly Hogaboom said...

The anger will help you when the partner and baby comes. Some days I just live off anger. Wait, was that too dark?

Aw Kate. I'm just really glad you're still writing. And we're still reading. You have so many who love you and look forward to you.

Abel Pharmboy said...

Yet through all of your anger and withdrawing, you reach out to me and comment on my blogpost remembering the life and loss of my alcoholic father. You are remarkable, much more so than you give yourself credit for.

Thank you for thinking of me on my sad anniversary. I wish you all the goodness that you have brought to me.

Sparkling Red said...

Sad Foot Friday! :-(

Yeah, sometimes life sucks like that. Eventually it passes, but that doesn't make getting through it any easier. You can be brave or you can lie on the floor and cry, but you still have to go through every single awful second of it, until somehow, someway, you change gears and it's over. I wish you courage and miracles large and small to see you through.

badmuthafudruckers said...

It's almost here...there WERE flowers in SC this weekend.