Therapy Tuesday

8:31 AM Edit This 26 Comments »
I just keep cutting it shorter and shorter. Maybe one of these days, I'll just shave my head and call it good. No?

Therapy Tuesday. I cried. Like a lot. Because as much as I want to believe differently, I haven't been doing very well since Jim died. His death brought back so many old feelings and thoughts and you KNOW I work really hard at beating down the lies that say everyone I love just leaves me, but sometimes they slither back in when I'm not looking and take up residence in my heart. So, we excise them and start all over. The vigilance it takes to make my brain operate positively is exhausting.

And here's where I lost it. I was telling her how I reached out to people and stuck with my routine and ate right and exercised some and got enough sleep and she said, "See? You DID manage it. You didn't end up in the psychotel, you didn't drink and you didn't do anything else to harm yourself." And I'm all, "What? THAT'S HOW LOW WE'VE SET THE BAR?! What the fuck!?" She shrugged.

And then she pushed me on loneliness. The loneliness that I try to ignore at every single turn. And I changed the subject and she brought it back up and then I changed the subject again and she returned to the task at hand and I finally said, "Yes. I'm lonely. I'm very lonely. Is that what you wanted me to say? There. I said it." And then I cried some more. Because I am. Very, very lonely. And she asked me if there was anything I was looking forward to, anything I could get excited about. And I said, "My garden. Planting my garden." And she said, "What will THAT do for you?" And I said, "I love my garden. It grows things that I take care of." And she said, "And it's just another tool for you to deal with the loneliness." Which is true. So, I cried some more.

I don't think I should have to pay to cry that much.

26 comments:

carrster said...

I love your hair. I think it's springy & fun & suits you. :)

I'm excited for you & your garden therapy. I can't wait to see photos of the garden you grow.

buffalodick said...

I like short hair on women...I'm growing a pony tail!

TMC said...

Hey Kate,
Have you considered looking into the Master Gardener program in SD?

http://hortmg.sdstate.edu/

You could learn some new stuff, meet some people who enjoy a similar hobby, have something regularly scheduled to look forward to (besides therapy)...

justme said...

i love your hair, it is SO fun, even if you aren't feeling that way right now. i'm sure your grief is hurting...

lacochran's evil twin said...

I like your hair. It frames your face well. Ever thought of going auburn?

Summer said...

I love, love, love your hair. And your smile.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

If you didn't pay that much, you might not cry as much. And I don't mean that in a good way. You've come such a long way in therapy - and you likely don't cry all that much in your everyday life because you allow yourself to let go in therapy.

BTW, loving the haircut - it's very fitting for you!

Bob said...

You love to garden because it gives you something to nurture, maybe? Tangible proof that you can?

In any case, you look lovely. That hair style suits you.

I hope you feel better soon.

saratogajean said...

Haircut = awesome.

You can do this, Kate! Maybe nothing drastic will have changed, but things will look better in the Spring. Trite but true.

Josephine said...

Well, healing hurts, so crying is good. I think you know this already but it can't hurt hearing it from someone else every now and then. Besides, feeling lonely you could have hooked up with any good-for-nothing kind of man, just for trying to kill the loneliness, but the fact that you didn't deserves a two thumbs up. And your new hair looks nice on you. :)

The Pollinatrix said...

It's good to hear from you again here in the blogosphere. You've been in my thoughts since your unhappy feet Friday post.

Your hair looks great!

I've been planning my garden too. I can't believe how much money I've already put into getting tools, fertilizer, etc., but it's going to be SO worth it.

I can't think of a better activity for dissolving loneliness than gardening.

I'll say to you what others have said to me - Be gentle with your beautiful self.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

"What? THAT'S HOW LOW WE'VE SET THE BAR?! What the fuck!?"

I don't think the bar is all that low, Kate - especially considering where you've been and how far you've come from there. Based on what I can see (which, admitedly, is less than the full picture from way over here), I think you handled Jim's death the way any normal, rational, loving person would. Grief is hard, and it hurts, and it sucks. And you handled it. You refused to let it beat you into the ground, and you reached out when you needed help, and you handled it. So from my perspective, I think you're doing pretty good, all things considered.

Oh, and your hair looks smokin' hot (and I mean that in a totally non-creepy-internet-stalker kind of way).

BrianAlt said...

I don't get it. What's wrong with tools to deal with loneliness? Isn't that what we all need? Tools to deal with life. That's what I thought at least.

Conspiracy Theologian said...

Don't stop. Even through the lens of this blog, the progress that you are making is real.

Dingo said...

I love your hair!

Loneliness sucks. And I'm sure your therapist would say that you have to get used to being with just you and dealing with loneliness without NEEDING to have someone so that when someone comes along, you can be with him because you want to. At least that's what I imagine I would say if I were your therapist.

clearness said...

The garden will nourish your body with healthy food. I just can't make the being lonely connection. Food you can harvest and share with friends at work or fresh fruit and veggies you can prepare in a nice meal and invite friends over to talk about good stuff and stuff!!!

The Good Cook said...

The first rule in loving is to love yourself. But you knew that, right?

Love the hair. I like short hair. It is sexy and sophisticated. And looks totally professional.

Hang in there. Spring (and new beginnings) is just around the corner.And I agree with what Dingo said. Kuddo's to you for not just accepting anyone into your heart. Continue being particular!!!

Cello Mama said...

I think your hair is fabulous. It looks so shiny and healthy!

Kate said...

I might have not explained her response to my gardening very well. But really? I has the most to do with the fact that the thing I was looking forward to the most is something I do alone. It's a very solitary pursuit - my gardening. And it's okay. It really is. She loves that I have a hobby that makes me happy. She's just sad that it doesn't involve other people. Or a chance for me to meet more people.

Although RTRs idea is good.

Jen said...

Man she's good! I guess that's why you keep on going.
I LOVE the hair. It looks great on you and it's so Springy too!

Allie said...

You look gorgeous!

Maybe there's a local seed swap, or some kind of community planting project or something you can sign up for? Our city has a Cares program (it's the city name and then Cares after it - your city might have one too), and they do a lot of volunteer work planting flowers at nursing homes and parks, etc. But I think taking that time to nourish yourself and enjoy your own garden is really wonderful too.

Bev said...

I'm sorry it was a tough session, but it sounds like you really needed to get those thoughts and feelings out there. Here's a hug to take the edge off. ((hug))

Your hair looks fab! Love it.

Malaise Inc said...

If you had laughed and smiled through the session, you wouldn't have gotten your money's worth. So, look at it as being a savvy consumer.

And the hair? Va-va-va-voom. I think blondes look the best with shorter hair. Maybe that is just me, but so be it. Although there is one thing I don't understand. With such nice blond hair, why go to the bother of dyeing your roots brown?

Ink Spiller said...

The hair is awesome (and so is your smile) and it makes me want to shed my locks totally!

I can relate to the loneliness thing but for me I've come to the conclusion that when I'm ready to let people in I will. It's hard to let people in when you carry so much pain because most people don't know how to deal with it. Hang in there Kate, I am, and it's nice to have someone to hang in there with even if it's over the internet.

artemisia said...

I am so, so, so proud of you for getting up each day and doing the hard work of taking care of yourself.

Love, love, love the hair!

bustysatan said...

The hair is great! and I'm pretty sure the crying is part of that whole catharsis process. Sucky, but necessary. And sometimes freeing, no?