Therapy Tuesday

8:37 AM Edit This 9 Comments »
Sigh. More hard work. I suppose since I don't see her as often, I have to work harder in the shorter amount of time we have. Today's word of the day? Trapped. Because that's how I feel. I have a marginally okay paying job and in today's market, that's nothing to laugh at. But it traps me because the kind of human services jobs I enjoy, pay less. So I stay. The next job up in the organization I work for requires an MBA - which I am not at all interested in obtaining. Plus, they wouldn't help me pay for it - so no. I have a great paying part time job which I love. It's not as much as my full time job, but for part time work, it's pretty stellar. And I live with Gay Boyfriend for very low rent. It's low rent because Tiny Apartment is just that. Tiny. Add on some credit card debt that I incurred in early sobriety because I was making much, much less than I am now and I was still too fragile to work two jobs, and the fact that yesterday, they jacked up my interest rate by 10 percent. No joke. 10 percent.

What do I want? A higher paying salaried job in human services with no part time job so that I have time to write. My own place to live with backyard and garden. To make that debt disappear so that I can incur MORE debt by finishing my Master's Degree. And of course, let's not forget that on my darker days I still pine for the man and the family. And frankly? I don't think I'm going to find any of that in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Yanno? But my family and friends are here. And my recovery is good here. And what does moving do but cause stress anyway? And finding new friends and, and, and. So I stay put. Because I don't see any other way out. So yeah. Trapped.

And today I'm blaming The Dead Guy. Because he brought me here and then croaked on me and left me to my own very inadequate devices. I know that's not fair, but I'm doing it anyway. Maybe tomorrow I'll take responsibility for my own self, but today, I'm giving it to him. Carolyn laughed when I said that. And I did too. Because I will. I WILL take responsibility for my own actions that put me where I am today. But I'm not going to do it until tomorrow.

Because just like I had to drive to the gym and sit in the parking lot for three days in a row before I actually got up the courage to go in. It will take me that long to screw up the courage to call my bank and tell them that the four accounts I have there will be transferred elsewhere if they don't do something about my interest rate. I CAN face my fears today, but I have to work up to them, talk to myself, tell myself that I AM courageous enough to take charge.

But it's not going to happen today.

You can go here to see my cake disaster.

9 comments:

artemisia said...

You work so hard. I mean it. I understand feeling trapped. It is a shitty feeling.

I am glad to know you will take this on. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is just fine.

Also? The cake disaster? AWESOME. I screw up every last cake I make, I swear.

The Good Cook said...

You know we are all trapped at some point in our lives. Whether it is by debt, love, obligation, children. Facing all of your challenges one day at a time is a good strategy and you know what? Staring tomorrow is just fine too.

Hey, if you ever want a quick vacation, I know New York City like the back of my hand. Show, dinner, Big City, Bright Lights... just saying, sometimes a change of scenery, if only for a few days does the soul wonders.

buffalodick said...

Right now, I don't feel very pro-active.. I have been in denial and avoidance for months. That will change soon, as I am being compelled to change by circumstances..if this sounds cryptic, it's because that's how I intended it!

Ink Spiller said...

Yeah, the trapped thing. It's big too. It's just not one thing. It's never just one thing. Just have to chip away at that monster bit by bit. It's tiring though and sometimes things just have to wait until tomorrow before we can face it.

Ink Spiller said...

Yeah, the trapped thing. It's big too. It's just not one thing. It's never just one thing. Just have to chip away at that monster bit by bit. It's tiring though and sometimes things just have to wait until tomorrow before we can face it.

clearness said...

Being trapped is a feeling that I sometimes get.........Wanting more, but not knowing how to get where it is I want, or even knowing what it is that I want........

Kristin said...

TOTALLY hit up the bank. People want your business in this economy. They'll work with you. You can do it!

BrianAlt said...

You can also call it, 'happy'.

Stacie said...

Hi Kate,
How about a Master's in Science (MSc)in Organizational Behaviour? Have a look around at it, might be interesting to you...