Criminey, people! Whatever weight machine makes the insides of my elbows burn with the fire of a thousand jalapenos is OFF my list! I can't even wash my hair properly. I mean, on Saturday when I was working out, I was all, "This isn't so bad. I can totally do this weight lifting thing. Huh. I never knew that I could be strong. I'll be rockin' that BEAT!" Well, on Sunday morning I was NOT thinking the same thing. I was more like, "Holy sweet Jesus, how did my arms crumple in on themselves like that? I have polio! Oh My God! Oh My God! What is wrong with me?!" Until I remembered that Cowgirl had told me to buy some bio freeze because my arms would probably hurt. Hurt?! This is not hurt! This is like I can't function PAIN! AGONY! And well, I don't HAVE bio freeze because I don't think AHEAD like that, whether someone tells me to or not. So I put Vicks on my arms, because it smells the same, right?
Right. This is why God will never give me children.
And I would like to offer that lifting weights is a very expensive and dangerous proposition. Because in my shaking and weakened state, I managed to directly dump my phone into a full glass of water. Yes. I was holding a glass of water in one hand, my phone in the other, and then, bloop! There it went. Straight in. And I had to laugh. Because I mean, I couldn't have done that if I'd TRIED. It is the weight machine's FAULT, people. And I tried to explain that to the Verizon guy, but he wasn't buying it. He said PEOPLE manage to drop their phones in toilets and washing machines and all kinds of wet substances and that the vengeance of weight machines was not on the list for acceptable exchanges. And I said, "But I didn't do it!" So he led me over to the phone that was most like my own and I said, "But I want one just like the one I have." And he was all, "They don't make it anymore." And I was all, "You don't understand. I can't upgrade. I don't even know what upgrade means!" And he said, "But you can get your email and the web on this one." I said, "But I don't WANT it. I'm ALREADY addicted to the internet. Do you really think I should be googling syphilis while I'm driving? This is like a fail safe plan for me! No googling on the go!"
And he proceeded to go to the back and get me the one that he was showing me and transfer all my contacts and hand it over, all while I'm complaining, "I didn't DO IT! You don't understand! I have VICKS on my arms. See? Smell!" And he didn't want to smell my elbows. He really just wanted me to leave the store. It was a hard day, internet. So very hard.
And it turned into an exercisers/dieter's nighmare at my house. I mean, the frustration of dealing with the Verizon guy who didn't understand why I shouldn't be allowed to have mobile internet access, smelling like Vicks, and the inability to hold a book without shaking means I get wacky mac (spinach macaronis) with sugar free spaghetti sauce, right? So I did. And then I thought, "I'll just have a whole wheat tortilla with black bean salad inside of it." And then since I bought cheese, I had a whole wheat tortilla with cheese in it. And that was so good, I had another one. And then ate two more slices for the heck of it. (Which is why I never buy cheese. If there was a 12 step program for cheese, I should be in it.) And since I was eating all this healthy food, I had strawberries and bananas sprinkled with grape koolaid mix. And everything but the koolaid mix was good for me, right?