My Guns

7:51 AM Edit This 18 Comments »
Criminey, people! Whatever weight machine makes the insides of my elbows burn with the fire of a thousand jalapenos is OFF my list! I can't even wash my hair properly. I mean, on Saturday when I was working out, I was all, "This isn't so bad. I can totally do this weight lifting thing. Huh. I never knew that I could be strong. I'll be rockin' that BEAT!" Well, on Sunday morning I was NOT thinking the same thing. I was more like, "Holy sweet Jesus, how did my arms crumple in on themselves like that? I have polio! Oh My God! Oh My God! What is wrong with me?!" Until I remembered that Cowgirl had told me to buy some bio freeze because my arms would probably hurt. Hurt?! This is not hurt! This is like I can't function PAIN! AGONY! And well, I don't HAVE bio freeze because I don't think AHEAD like that, whether someone tells me to or not. So I put Vicks on my arms, because it smells the same, right?

Right. This is why God will never give me children.

And I would like to offer that lifting weights is a very expensive and dangerous proposition. Because in my shaking and weakened state, I managed to directly dump my phone into a full glass of water. Yes. I was holding a glass of water in one hand, my phone in the other, and then, bloop! There it went. Straight in. And I had to laugh. Because I mean, I couldn't have done that if I'd TRIED. It is the weight machine's FAULT, people. And I tried to explain that to the Verizon guy, but he wasn't buying it. He said PEOPLE manage to drop their phones in toilets and washing machines and all kinds of wet substances and that the vengeance of weight machines was not on the list for acceptable exchanges. And I said, "But I didn't do it!" So he led me over to the phone that was most like my own and I said, "But I want one just like the one I have." And he was all, "They don't make it anymore." And I was all, "You don't understand. I can't upgrade. I don't even know what upgrade means!" And he said, "But you can get your email and the web on this one." I said, "But I don't WANT it. I'm ALREADY addicted to the internet. Do you really think I should be googling syphilis while I'm driving? This is like a fail safe plan for me! No googling on the go!"

And he proceeded to go to the back and get me the one that he was showing me and transfer all my contacts and hand it over, all while I'm complaining, "I didn't DO IT! You don't understand! I have VICKS on my arms. See? Smell!" And he didn't want to smell my elbows. He really just wanted me to leave the store. It was a hard day, internet. So very hard.

And it turned into an exercisers/dieter's nighmare at my house. I mean, the frustration of dealing with the Verizon guy who didn't understand why I shouldn't be allowed to have mobile internet access, smelling like Vicks, and the inability to hold a book without shaking means I get wacky mac (spinach macaronis) with sugar free spaghetti sauce, right? So I did. And then I thought, "I'll just have a whole wheat tortilla with black bean salad inside of it." And then since I bought cheese, I had a whole wheat tortilla with cheese in it. And that was so good, I had another one. And then ate two more slices for the heck of it. (Which is why I never buy cheese. If there was a 12 step program for cheese, I should be in it.) And since I was eating all this healthy food, I had strawberries and bananas sprinkled with grape koolaid mix. And everything but the koolaid mix was good for me, right?

Sigh.

Seriously.

18 comments:

Shelley said...

You are so funny! Now, seriously...does Vicks work the same as Biofreeze? Because I have some Vicks at home and I know I'm gonna need something after my workout this morning!

Congrats on getting a new phone? Oh, and Oprah says the car is a no phone zone, or something like that. Apparently she makes everyone who goes on her show sign a pledge. So no googling syphilis, or she will find out - Oprah sees everything!

And I have to say that I have never, in all my days, heard of sprinkling koolaid mix on fruit. Kinda tempted to try it, just for the sake of joining the cool kids!

artemisia said...

I wish I could have seen you at the Verizon store!

If you still have your water-soaked phone, try setting it (with the battery seperate) in a bowl of rice. The rice will draw out the moisture but won't get in the phone.)

Cut yourself some slack. You didn't have working elbows! Of course you needed grape Kool-Aid.

Holly said...

Kate. I literally laughed out loud at my desk. My coworkers know me well enough not to ask...

Your triceps will recover and become stronger. Please don't walk away from the machines yet! You will conquer them.

You are taking me back to trying to walk after my first marathon. I had to go down a CURB (yes, really a curb) backwards because going down normally hurt too bad.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

What on earth is Biofreeze? I've never heard of it. Last time I had sore muscles, I just used a bag of frozen peas!

Summer said...

Take some Tylenol, Baby. It will help. I have the same thing going on with my inner thighs today. I started Pilates yesterday.

P.S. I can't believe he wouldn't smell your elbows.

buffalodick said...

Use ice... it contracts inflamed tissue.

badmuthafudruckers said...

Were you able to wash your hair?

Once I spilled milk all over my counter because my muscles were too weak to holy the 1/2 gallon steady as I poured my morning bowl of cereal.

Next time I will just use Vick's and call it a day.

BrianAlt said...

Those are your tendons. And that's why you're supposed to work it up SLOWLY, not a million reps on day one because it feels easy.

It will get easier.

As for the phone, damn, you had me laughing!

As for the food, have you read, "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"?

Conspiracy Theologian said...

I'll say it again.

Guns don't kill phones. People kill phones.

(btw, am I going to hell because I lol'ed hard about the polio line?)

Bill

The Good Cook said...

LOLOLOL... your arms will begin to feel better. really. soon. I promise. or at least I'm pretty sure.

Okay. wait a minute (LOLOLOLOLOL)

I'll never join the CA (cheese anonymous) group because I'll never admit to being powerless over cheese (even though I am) AND I'm not apologizing to the lady behind the cheese counter who will only ever give me ONE sample... no matter how nice I am.

I'm better now. Um could you do me a favor? Don't ever mention fresh fruit sprinkled with Kool Aid mix again. That's just awful. really. awful.

Jen said...

:) well at least you got yourself a new phone from this ordeal! My recommendation? Hit those machines back soon. Your muscles will get the hang of it, you'll see.

clearness said...

Grape koolaid mix is fine if it's the plain stuff that doesn't have sugar added......even then, it's not that bad.

TMC said...

My name is TMC & I'm addicted to cheese.

A giant cheese palace in Wisconsin is on my list of must-see places in the mid-west.

You know you want to come along...

MsDarkstar said...

"Do you really think I should be googling syphilis while I'm driving?"

One of the most brilliant phrases ever uttered!

Sweetly Single said...

mental note....keep kate away from the vapo-rub

ps....don't EVER put that stuff on sensitive mucous filled areas....it is a feeling that will never go away!

melissalion said...

I too am addicted to the internet and I don't want it on my phone. Eh -- don't worry about the quesadillas. Clearly you're kicking your own butt. W00t!!

justme said...

Oh my god, i'm laughing so hard.

it reminds me of the time i went to my cousin's girlfriend's "boot camp" class. she had me to "assisted pull-ups" and there was NOTHING assisted about it. i was doing pull ups. and afterwards, my arms needed to stay in a 90 degree bent position for a week. i looked like i was serving something to someone for the entire week. i couldn't straighten them at all.

Dingo said...

You are genius! Have you informed the Olympic Committee of your Vick's Vapor Rub remedy? Maybe they will appreciate it so much, they'll let you light the torch in 2012!