Keep On.

8:15 PM Edit This 14 Comments »
My ghosts are here tonight. I didn't ask them to come. But here they are.

I am trying my very best not to break out the photo albums. That's always a perfect storm for disaster, but I want to see him. I want to look in his eyes. And I want to feel him. I really don't know why I do this to myself. Or maybe I don't. Maybe it just comes. But I miss him. It's been a long time. I didn't do anything over Memorial Day because I didn't want to see anyone from his family. I didn't want to chance running into them at his grave site. Even though he's not there. I don't even know if they ever did what he wanted and scattered his ashes in the hills. For all I know, he's still in two urns in his dad's front closet. Because he didn't fit into just one. My gentle giant.

This is why I still go to therapy I guess. Because he comes unbidden. When I don't want him here. And then I can't stop thinking about him. Good AND bad. It used to be all good. When I thought of him as a God. And then I'd go to All Bad. And that's not right either. So today, I'm stuck in limbo. Where he was a really and truly messed up individual whom I gave my entire heart to.

I want to believe that there is something or someone out there that understands my hurt and loves me anyway. I think that's why I don't date anymore. Because my heart is so squished and bloody. Who wants that? Who wants something that's broken? So I content myself with growing plants. Living things that I can take care of, but don't hurt my heart.

What do you do with these kinds of feelings? I just don't know. I don't. My heart hurts. I thought all this melancholy was past, but apparently not. It comes to visit when I least expect it.


Kelly Hogaboom said...

What do you do with these kinds of feelings?

I don't know either. But I wonder if there's any healing to be found in talking to his family, or friends... maybe not.

My mom was widowed a year and a half ago when my father died and she's been too busy to grieve properly. So the grief keeps welling up and oozing out in places she doesn't want to. But the grieving is happening, whether she wants it to or no, on it's own terms apparently since she won't grapple it.

Oh and plants are good but kittens can't hurt your heart. Just sayin'.

Shelley said...

Aww Kate - wish I could give you a hug. The problem with those kinds of feelings is that you just have to FEEL them, and that hurts. I guess the good thing about them is that they let you know you are alive...and you will get through this, and things will seem a bit brighter - hopefully soon. Hang in there, my friend.

justme said...

maybe he'll visit sometimes less frequently than others and maybe throughout time, you'll learn to deal differently with the visits. there is someone out there who will love you anyway, even though they may not fully understand the hurt. you are an amazing person, with amazing ability and most of all, heart.

Ink Spiller said...

Kate. I didn't lose someone like you did but I relate to you because somewhere along the line you lost yourself like I did because of pain and hurt.

I want you to know, no I need you to know, that what you want can happen. Suddenly and when it's completely unexpected. I can say that to you because for you I can believe in ways I can't yet believe for myself. Believing, maybe even knowing on some level, that it's out here waiting for you gives me strength to start believing for myself.

I don't say this to women very often, don't want them to get the wrong idea you know, but I love you simply because you are so strong, so resilient and so honest.

Broken is beautiful and so much more interesting and alive.

The Good Cook said...

I think you just have to feel the feelings - through them, with them, over and under them and then you come OUT of them.

I'm so sorry you are tormented like this but I do believe that one day it will all be a warm glow, a gentle ripple - you just have to get there.

And Kate? You were going through all this last night and STILL giving me awesome, insightful advice? You are one special lady.

Someone special and wonderful WILL come into your life because likes attract.

BrianAlt said...

Haven't you ever been sure that a plant has withered and died? Then, all of a sudden, with a little TLC it's back to life looking better than ever!

You deserve TLC.

Jennifer said...

Kate - There is something extremely strong about these hurts. This very real woman who has lived with this pain and is working through this pain. There is someone who will accept this heart and love with you. I have this experience. Not the same as you, but still...the same.

I feel your ability to be real about your feelings, to express them and to recognize them and not stuff them away speaks to your incredible process of working through all of your life and your extraordinary tendency to get through it. I hate it when my stuff resurfaces, but it does help, to remind myself of where I use to be compared to where I am now.

You truly recognize how deeply you love (I have this same thing going on inside my heart) and that is a statement of the depth of yourself and you recognize what that would take from you to another person.

I sit with my feelings - I feel them, and I let them be as they are...and then I continue on, wherever that leads me.

Lots of love to you today...lots and lots and lots.

Anonymous said...

Kate. This kind of brokenness doesn't heal. I wish I could tell you that it does, but you and I both know I'd be lying. It changes with time, and it ebbs and flows like the tides, but it will always be there, and sometimes it will bubble up to the surface, and it's agonizing when it does. But the only alternative is to forget, and I know you don't want to forget. You will miss J for as long as you remember him. Sometimes you'll miss him so much it hurts, and other times it will just be a sort of dull ache, but it will always be there when you think of him.

But that's not a bad thing - it just means you love him. You'll always love him, and that's okay. You can love someone else with all your heart and soul, and still never forget J.

Think you'll never find someone who understands that? You might be surprised. Anyone who's ever loved and lost can understand that. Anyone who has compassion can understand that. Anyone who truly knows what's in your heart can understand that. And anyone who can't? Isn't someone you want to be around very much anyway.

tracy said...

Soooo, reminds me of a qoute

"Nobody wants something that keeps getting broken. Sooner or later they are going to throw it away."

Hoping i got the quote right. from "Handle With Care". And that quote is soooo me.

You have just a lovely blog here....and i love your pictures....both of them! :-)

Much love and many hugs!

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

This post reminds me of the saying, gone but not forgotten. I don't know your hurt or how to fix your hurt. But, what I do know is your life. The amazing highs. And the undeniable lows. All of them combined have made you Kate 2010. And the Kate 2010 I know is pretty damn fabulous. She radiates beauty and is interesting and funny and knows how to love, even if she doesn't think she does. She's also one helluva catch who could be half of one pretty damn fantastic duo. So, what do you do with those feelings? You let them remind you that without them, you wouldn't be where you are today. And you kindly ask them to return to their safe, retired place where they don't need to demonize anyone anymore.

The Pollinatrix said...

I talked to a woman last night who got completely messed up from seeing her ex-husband out with his wife after TWELVE YEARS of being divorced. So, yeah. Some things stick around a long time. And as much as it sucks, accepting it when it comes is probably the only way not to make it suck worse than it has to.

Jen said...

I can't even imagine going through what you have and making it half as ok as you have. So you need to see him? So the memories still take you back? So what? It's a process and as such there are good days and not so good days. The important thing is you are doing it, you are letting go and moving and and taking care of yourself in the process. That's what counts at the end.

clearness said...

Give those photo albums to a friend who will not let you look at them unless you have met certain guidelines.

Anonymous said...

yes. keep on dear...

bless you...

so much helpful input already...

just keep on....

and keep cookin' that gosh darn amazing stuff!!!