My ghosts are here tonight. I didn't ask them to come. But here they are.
I am trying my very best not to break out the photo albums. That's always a perfect storm for disaster, but I want to see him. I want to look in his eyes. And I want to feel him. I really don't know why I do this to myself. Or maybe I don't. Maybe it just comes. But I miss him. It's been a long time. I didn't do anything over Memorial Day because I didn't want to see anyone from his family. I didn't want to chance running into them at his grave site. Even though he's not there. I don't even know if they ever did what he wanted and scattered his ashes in the hills. For all I know, he's still in two urns in his dad's front closet. Because he didn't fit into just one. My gentle giant.
This is why I still go to therapy I guess. Because he comes unbidden. When I don't want him here. And then I can't stop thinking about him. Good AND bad. It used to be all good. When I thought of him as a God. And then I'd go to All Bad. And that's not right either. So today, I'm stuck in limbo. Where he was a really and truly messed up individual whom I gave my entire heart to.
I want to believe that there is something or someone out there that understands my hurt and loves me anyway. I think that's why I don't date anymore. Because my heart is so squished and bloody. Who wants that? Who wants something that's broken? So I content myself with growing plants. Living things that I can take care of, but don't hurt my heart.
What do you do with these kinds of feelings? I just don't know. I don't. My heart hurts. I thought all this melancholy was past, but apparently not. It comes to visit when I least expect it.