Therapy Tuesday
8:18 AM Edit This 13 Comments »
I graduated to once a month therapy today. Good for me, huh?
She asked me when I go into my pockets of sadness every once in awhile, what it is that occupies my mind. And I said, "No husband and no kids and the fact that time is quickly passing for the baby thing." And then I kind of choked back tears. Because well? That's the thing I wanted the most my whole life. Since I was a little girl, I wanted to have a husband and lots and lots of kids. The lots of kids part not going to happen has sunk in. But the part where it just may never happen? Still stuck on it. And sometimes that still makes me cry.
I'm trying to wrap my head around what that might mean for me, should the dream of my childhood never come to fruition. What would my life look like if I gave up that dream? What replaces that? What other dreams could I develop that would be even a half way suitable replacement for that? And well? Nothing much compares at this point. And it's really hard to dream when you're grieving the possibilities that you have to lay to rest.
Please don't tell me I can adopt. I'm not in a position to do that on my own. And please don't tell me that I COULD have a baby if I really wanted to. I could, right now in fact, go out and get pregnant by someone I don't care about. But I'm not that selfish. So, I continue the hard work that is acceptance and in the meantime, I'll probably cry about it. Because it hurts.
She asked me when I go into my pockets of sadness every once in awhile, what it is that occupies my mind. And I said, "No husband and no kids and the fact that time is quickly passing for the baby thing." And then I kind of choked back tears. Because well? That's the thing I wanted the most my whole life. Since I was a little girl, I wanted to have a husband and lots and lots of kids. The lots of kids part not going to happen has sunk in. But the part where it just may never happen? Still stuck on it. And sometimes that still makes me cry.
I'm trying to wrap my head around what that might mean for me, should the dream of my childhood never come to fruition. What would my life look like if I gave up that dream? What replaces that? What other dreams could I develop that would be even a half way suitable replacement for that? And well? Nothing much compares at this point. And it's really hard to dream when you're grieving the possibilities that you have to lay to rest.
Please don't tell me I can adopt. I'm not in a position to do that on my own. And please don't tell me that I COULD have a baby if I really wanted to. I could, right now in fact, go out and get pregnant by someone I don't care about. But I'm not that selfish. So, I continue the hard work that is acceptance and in the meantime, I'll probably cry about it. Because it hurts.
13 comments:
Someone else that I follow goes to therapy and she asked something to her therapist about 'feelings' and her therapist said "They are ONLY feelings. Deal with it" or something like that. Anyway, congrats on your once a month graduation!
It's weird what we want when we are young people and then what comes to pass.
I remember writing an essay in 9th grade about my life at age 30 (it was an assignment). I was going to be a journalist and travel the world and never get married and never have children. Because in my 9th grade mind being married and having kids meant you had no freedom and you couldn't be anything other than a wife and mother and I can still remember how much I DID NOT WANT that life.
Well, I'm past 30 and thrice divorced. I'm just a secretary, not a journalist. I'll probably never own a home, I've got $0 saved for retirement. So, while I don't know your particular grief for a life path not walked, I know an emptiness for what I wish I had pursued and am angry at myself for what I made of my life.
And K8, I sincerely hope that BOTH of us find peace and a life that makes us happy, even if it is not the life we envisioned in our youth.
Oh Kate.
You are so young still. Don't give up on your dreams, your hopes or your wishes. You don't know what the future holds. You are doing great work with healing and growing. Just keep on trucking (as they said in the 70's), ask the universe for what you need and then sit back and experience the peace of knowing that what will be will be.
Oh, and Clearness - tell your friend they need a new therapist. Any therapist that dismisses someone's feelings should not be practicing. (in my opinion)
'So, I continue the hard work that is acceptance and in the meantime, I'll probably cry about it. Because it hurts.'
gosh damn Kate...good post...
don't know what to say other than i'm glad i found your blog..and thanks ms. darkstar for your candor as well...
God help us and give us peace...
when I lived in DC, it was the norm that folks didn't get married until late 30s, early 40s and had kids mid-40s. It is different out here.
It hurts so much when things we want don't come about. Hang in there.
I'm with The Good Cook. Keep on wishing Kate, set it out there, what is meant for you will come to you, don't lose hope!
I'm not advocating you running out getting pregnant with the whole raising a child on your own plan in full force but I can't agree that's it's a selfish thing to do.
How can it be selfish to want a child and to want to raise it lovingly no matter how you do it?
Families come in all shapes and sizes by choice or by fate. You just lost your partner too early but the dream of having children doesn't have to die.
It's really hard when you face what might have been and where you are now. Don't give up - my best friend didn't have her child until she was 41...and she had spent a lot of years thinking that things would never come together to make it happen. You never know.
Don't give up- you will just have to flirt a bit more with Cute Farmer (probably a bad time to make a joke). But seriously, I have some friends that have had different lives than they dreamed about and while it was difficult, then they focused on all of the things that they could do instead.
Oh, Kate, of course it makes you cry. It's so hard and it's scary. I cried and cried about the prospect as well - in therapy, at home, at work, all over the place. I did a lot of crying. And I went out with all these emotional cripples and I was certain that there was just no way I was ever going to find the person and then one day it just kind of happened.
Which is to say, keep doing the great healing you're doing, and allow yourself to cry. But also, keep your eyes and heart open! You're a beautiful person.
Acceptance. I wish I had more profound words of wisdom for you, but it really does just come down to acceptance of what is. Kate, you've come so far in a very short time, and your life is 10 million times better today than it was a few years ago. That's what is, it's where you are right now.
You can't change the past, it's what got you here. And no one knows what the future will bring - so you can spend all your time worrying about a future that might or might not happen, or you can just accept what is right here, right now, and go from there.
But that doesn't mean let go of your dream. The dream is what guides you to make the choices that will lead you in the right direction, so never let go of it. I could sit here and be all "rah rah, if you dream it it will happen", and all that bullshit, but in the end, nobody knows if it will happen or not. Dream anyway. In the meantime, live for today and accept it for what it is.
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans (John Lennon said that. He was way smarter than me.)
It's so very painful. I always thought I'd have kids with my first husband, and when that didn't happen, I thought I got over it. But he's just had a baby with his new wife and I'm going through grief like you wouldn't believe. I haven't talked to anyone about it because it's not something that I'm supposed to care about, especially considering that I'm happily re-married and made a conscious decision not to have kids. I guess at some level that dreams I had as a girl never died, until now.
I hear you. As my dream of homeownership is about to get turned to dust, I totally hear you. All I've ever wanted was to own a home.
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