Weekend A Wash

8:36 AM Posted In , Edit This 9 Comments »
I had a really odd weekend. On the outside, it looks like I had a lot of fun. Friday night, I had clients and then went to the birthday meeting at the club. Saturday, I met up with the girls from running club at the gym, so that they could run and I could walk and we could still chatter away. I took a long, long nap and I harvested the parsnips and the lima beans and finished off with the garden for the year. I read a book in the sun on the swing. On Sunday, I went to my meeting, to breakfast as usual (Had a pizza burger. Was so gross. Will never order one again. Some fried mess that I'm not even sure even had burger IN it?) then another long nap and off to the gym. I walked for over an hour and even ran a couple minutes. It didn't hurt this time, but I didn't want to push it. Baby steps getting back into it.

I was happy and smiles and enjoying my life. But there was something so very empty about my insides. Every night, I found myself alone, trying to finish my book that's not very enthralling, but I've gotten so far, it seems a shame to chuck it at this point. I watched 2012. I love post-apocalyptic stuff. I watched Angels and Demons and I watched Fame. But I don't watch movies, y'all. It's just not my thing. It's almost as if I were hiding.

I was invited to watch the Rocky Horror Picture show on Saturday night. No. I was invited to a scary movie party on Sunday night. No. Gay Boyfriend wanted me to come to his sister's to see his nieces all dressed up for Trick or Treating. No. He wanted me to give out candy. Um. No. Cowgirl thought it would be fun for me to go with the Munchkins Trick or Treating. No. No. And no.

No. I WAS hiding. I realized that this morning. And I have to give myself a break. Because no matter how far I've come, and no matter how much work I've done, October has always been hard for me. Prior to me getting sober, I routinely ended up in the psychotel in October - about four years running. Don't know why. Perhaps the change in weather, the early morning darkness, the cold, the bare trees? Who knows. I used to have serious planning sessions with Carolyn over October. We'd make sure I was out and about with weekend plans and had the list of people I was going to call and in what order when I started the downhill slide. It says a lot that neither of us thought of that this year.

And I didn't need it. Sure, I can acknowledge this morning that this weekend was kind of a wash - emotionally, but I made it through anyway. Onward and upward, right?

Don't forget to do your pushups!


KT said...

I have those weekends too- when you don't want to see anyone or do anything. We can't always be social butterflies. :-)

melissalion said...

I know, it's suddenly so cold and dark and ugh, where was Summer?

I'm sorry you had a hard weekend.

Helen said...

Good thing is you recognize what was going on. The other thing is that personally, I think it's perfectly OK to hide once in a while, no matter the reason.

Summer said...

My soul is in great need of one of those hiding weekends. Onward and upward though.

clearness said...

It's not called it's called hibernation.

Meigan said...

I kind of agree with your other readers. What I'd do for a weekend to hide like that. Sometimes when things get so stressful I'd do about anything for a weekend to avoid everything & everyone & just nap. Good or bad, I'm glad you had the chance to do it.

justme said...

i think it's great that you recognized it. the key is to just not have many weekends like that. i think that in life, sometimes those days are needed...it's when it becomes habit that's a problem

Can do mom said...

I'm sorry October is hard for you. I think you are doing well, at least as much as a person can tell by reading your blog!

Sometimes we all have weekends like that. They even have a trendy term for it now: Cocooning! You trendy thing, you! You were cocooning and you didn't even know it! ;)

I'm not trying to make light of your struggles. As others have said, keep on keeping on. We're with you in spirit!

kilax said...

Good for you for making it through! This isn't the same, but sometimes, especially if I have been going out a lot on weekends, or been really busy, I just want to be by myself at home.