In between hitting the snooze button in the mornings, I have a ritual. (I know, I know. My whole life is a ritual. I don't quite know how that happened.) I slowly go through the coming day in my head; obligations, things I might do at work, whether I'm going to a meeting later, if I have people I need to connect with, etc. Then I contemplate where the cat puke bomb is from the middle of the night retching and I say my prayers to The Universe. I really do decide what kind of day I'm going to have before I even get up. Because when I'm mostly all there in the head, it really IS a decision.
"They" used to tell me this. That I could DECIDE whether or not I was going to have a good day. Throughout nine years of therapy, "they" have proclaimed this. I finally get it. But I don't think that "they" get that when your emotions attack you from the minute you wake until the minute you take enough medication or drink enough vodka to pass out, that it's not possible to even regroup enough to make a decision, but now that my emotions are more even keeled, I do make this decision every morning.
That's not to say that things don't derail me or that when plans blow up in my face, I'm not a little perturbed, but for the most part, I decide how I'm going to face the day. It didn't used to be like that. I used to wake up with cold dread in my heart every single morning and I couldn't shake it. No matter how hard I tried. Some mornings, I'd just wake up crying. How do you do that? I used to think that sleep was what your body did to get you away from the pain, but turns out you can cry in your sleep too, and not even know it. But now that those days are past for the most part, I wake up and make a decision to have a good day. And then I leave it up to The Universe to make it happen.
I think it has to do with an attitude that I've developed over these last four years. That whatever happens is going to happen and since I've managed to survive so far, I have to believe that whatever gets thrown my way, The Universe will see fit to walk me through it with as much grace as It can muster for me. It's not always easy to hold on to that attitude, but it's one that fits me more and more each day. And for that, I am extremely grateful.