38 and Counting

5:44 PM Edit This 14 Comments »
I've said it before. Everything I learn all year long, I put into practice in a two week time frame. Every coping skill, every distraction technique, every calming method, every hot shower and cup of tea. Christmas, my sober birthday, the anniversary of Jason's death, New Year's and then my birthday-birthday, just come all too fast and furious. I had a wonderful Christmas, I weathered my sober birthday and strangely, made some serious peace with Jason's death this year. I was pleasantly surprised by how everything was going. I don't PLAN to fall apart, but when I don't, it's like an extra bonus or something.

But last night, on the eve of my 38th birthday, it happened. After all that success in handling holidays and anniversaries and such, I was not really expecting the epic meltdown that 1/1/2011 brought me. By 6 p.m., I was frantically texting Dirty Ben and Cowgirl and then sobbing to Chakra Queen. All this, after facebooking with Crissy, too. It just wasn't going to stop without a good meltdown. Sigh.

It was about the baby thing. I thought I had finished that conversation with myself. I really did. Put it to rest and leave it up to The Universe to provide. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen, right? But last night? I seriously started thinking about what it might mean to have a baby on my own, and then the crying started in earnest. Could I? Would I? Should I? Is it selfish? Is it presumptuous to think that the world needs to be subjected to my extended gene pool? Is taking things into my own hands, taking away from the plans of The Universe? I DON'T KNOW! I was bereft. Beside myself with sorrow. Dirty Ben suggested that I wait for a year and if I feel the same way, then go for it, right? Cowgirl just listened. Chakra Queen said, "You said you wanted to have a baby before you're 40. That's TWO WHOLE YEARS AWAY!"Crissy said that if I did do it, I would have all the help in the world. AND I WOULD. I WOULD! But I'm not ready to make that decision. And the eve of my 38th birthday was looming and making it seem like time was passing so quickly that if I didn't do anything about it this very instant, life would come to a screeching halt. I've calmed down today. It's not a *today* decision, but it's something to research and put in the hopper to think and talk to The Universe about. Sigh. I almost made it through the season.

Snow.
Sleepy Cats.
Being goofy on camera for my mom.
The "Family" portrait that the cats agreed (or disagreed) to subject themselves to.
Cupcakes and homemade strawberry ice cream by dad.
And last but not least? My car got broken into on NYE. Nothing missing, and no damage but a broken Lady Gaga CD. But I feel extremely violated by the whole thing. It's ick. And scary. And well? Gay Boyfriend makes fun of me for how fastidious I am about locking the door everytime I come in and he can go suck it, because that was scary!

14 comments:

clearness said...

The kitties are beautiful! And I'm sure you will be a wonderful mom. Be it donated sperm, or sperm from a guy you have a relationship with. It's not necessarily your genes that make a difference in the universe, it's your attitude. You have a great attitude.

The Good Cook said...

Here is to peace, joy and hope this coming year. And choices. And life.

I just read this quote: "Life is a sexually transmitted disease that is curable by death"

WTF... this is supposed to be a grief support book. Think I need a new book.

Love ya,

Linda

carrster said...

Happpppppppy Birthday, Dear Lady!! I hope 2011 kicks ass for you. I love you!!

Shelley said...

Happy Birthday Kate! Looks like this is going to be an especially introspective year with the baby research and all. Turn it over, and what will happen is meant to happen.

Hugs to you, birthday girl! :)

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

Oh Kate. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you feel this way and I'm sorry sometimes life is just one giant hole, but you are strong willed and determined which is a lot more than some people have.

The thing is, you have such a nice soul and the skills to be an amazing mom, so I don't see why you couldn't adopt, or what have you. Having one really great parent is really all someone needs.

Thanks for being you, girlfriend. Really.

Can do mom said...

Could you cram more emotion-laden events into a shorter time span? I don't think so! I've got to hand it to you Kate, all things considered, I think you're doing great. Don't beat yourself up. Really.

I'm sorry about the unresolved baby longings. :( It might sound crazy, but even with three children I went through a season of grief after my unplanned hysterectomy. I had an emergency surgery for extreme abdominal pain and when I awoke was informed I had ovarian cancer and had been given a radical hysterectomy. Everyone else was worked up about the ovarian cancer but I was more upset about the hysterectomy. I don't share that to make light of your situation, just to say that a woman's longing for a child is a cry from deep within.

BTW, almost 11 years later I proved the doctors wrong and I'm still here! God saw fit to heal me and I'm so thankful.

I hope your birthday is wonderful.

Blessings to you on your special day!

The Pollinatrix said...

First of all - Happy Birthday!

As someone who still occasionally has "epic meltdowns," all I can say is it keeps me humble.

I look at those photos of you and can see the mother-love waiting to pour out of you. I sincerely pray that your heart's deepest desires are fulfilled.

Helen said...

Epic meltdowns are just the ticket sometimes and now I'm confused... was your birthday on the 1st or the 2nd? Whatever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Good lord I would love to be 38 and have that body back again. I'm just saying.

You can be a mom whenever you choose to. Don't wait for a man if that's what you really want.

Lemon Gloria said...

Happy birthday! Everyone needs a good big old meltdown every once in a while. It's cleansing.

You'll figure these things out. Look how much other huge stuff you've gotten control of.

Kelly Hogaboom said...

From what I know of you, I definitely want you in a child's life, and definitely hope for you a child of your own. I'm holding you in my heart, tonight.

Kristen said...

You have so much to give to a child. I'm glad you're thinking about it. If The Universe doesn't want a baby for you, you won't be able to get pregnant, right? It will have it's way.

I love you and you will figure this out. It will hit you and you'll know what to do.

Todd said...

Happy Birthday, Happy New Year, I'm sorry about the car break in thing...
and the Baby thing...sounds like you had good input all the way around...that's a nice thing to have...
will you facebook friend me again?..i had to redo my page...
i'm under 'todd baio' still...i couldn't find you...
hugs,
todd

Sparkling Red said...

Yeah, I sure know how that baby thing can come back and bite you in the ass just when you think you've made your peace with it. It's brutal.

KT said...

Happy belated birthday!

That sucks about someone breaking into your car. Boooo to them!

As for the baby thing, that's something that ultimately only you can decide. Do your research and figure out what will make you happy. :-)