9:46 PM Edit This 7 Comments »
Oh dear God, how I miss him tonight.

I don't know if it's because I'm finally exposed to people like him on a daily basis, or if it has just been coming. I weathered the five year anniversary of his death quite well. I've made my peace with it. I've accepted it and it's become a working part of my life that I'm okay in spite of the loss of my partner. But holy. Tonight I miss him.

If only because I have come across people who would have completely benefited from his point of view. From his philosophy; from his experience. He was a force to be reckoned with when he was sober. There was a life in him that I could not understand, but embraced nonetheless.

I just see these men. These ones that are headstrong and unwilling. The ones that believe they can do it on their own. And I feel for them. I do. Because I loved one just the same. The one that thought if he could *just hold it together long enough* then he'd have it licked.

He never did hold it together long enough. But his zest for understanding. His thoughts. His tenacity - it's what kept him alive as long as it did, I suppose.

But tonight? I wish he was here. Because he could give me insight on how awful it is to do it oneself. How jaded he was with recovery. Why he finally gave up trying. Because I think it could help me help them. And I'm sorry he's not here to ask. So very sorry. And so very sad. He would have made an excellent counselor for recovering people, if he could have just gotten there himself.

I miss him.

And everything he stood for. I'm pretty sure he'd take the ones that were die hard and give them some peace. But nothing doing. He didn't make it.


Ink Spiller said...

I can see why you miss him but you have so much of what you're missing in you already that you don't really need him there Kate!

You're amazing and you know it!

Helen said...

What I think is that one of these men you are working with now, is going to make it and you'll then be able to ask all your questions.

Also, you're allowed to miss him forever.

That's what I think.

Anonymous said...

Oh my. This job is truly a challenge isn't it? So different than your other job. I think it's great, but that doesn't help the hole in the heart.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

The question is, do you think you'd be doing the work you're now doing if he was still here? Me think not. You are carrying out what you would've liked to have seen in him - and it's such a wonderful and noble thing to do!

Keelie said...


Anonymous said...

Just to echo what Nilsa said - you probably wouldn't be doing this if he had made it. Your life took this path for a reason, and now you get to do what he couldn't.

He didn't make it, but you did. You made it, and that's what gives you the insight to help others make it too. You and I both survived because we surrounded ourselves (willingly or not) with people who could help us. Your guys need to know that. I've never met anyone who successfully did it alone, and they need to know that.

I know that doesn't help with the missing him, though. I'm sorry.

Jen said...

I know what missing that "could have been" feels like. Hugs Kate, big bear hugs for you.