Ides of March

10:11 AM Edit This 13 Comments »
Things are kind of in upheaval in New Life Land. People are changing. Situations are changing. I think I'm changing. And I'm experiencing some extreme grief over a few things. I recognize this as healthy for me, but walking through it has been tough. I can't share it with the people I normally share things with because they are involved, and their own changes and grief take precedence as I attempt to be there for them. There have been lots of tears on my part. And I feel worn out from it all. And selfish too. It's not even MY change. It's someone else's life change that affects me a little and them a lot. So I feel selfish for even feeling this way. And I'm trying to make peace with that.

This morning after yoga class, the instructor was talking about Spring being a "heavy" season. She said that we normally think of people being happier and more active as we come out of our winter lairs. But as she explained, it's more normal to feel a heaviness in our hearts and bodies during the early Spring months when the rain and melting snow bog things down. And I started crying. Because that's exactly how I feel. Heavy and burdened. But I also feel relieved. Or like I was given permission to be heavy right now. Apparently, I was supposed to be at that yoga class this morning. I haven't gone to yoga for years. And I show up to hear that? Not an accident.

I powered through the dark days of February. Never once feeling an impending meltdown. But the Ides of March have hit me this year. So I'm going to keep going back to yoga. Because it felt good. And I'm going to keep not watching the news. Because I can't go there. The tragedy overwhelms me and then I get that horrifying helpless feeling which I don't have the tools to combat. And I'm going to eat strawberries. Because for some odd reason, my body is craving strawberries. And I'm going to keep crying. Because somewhere in those tears is some sort of healing.

13 comments:

Summer said...

I can see that being completely true. I do think yoga will help. You're never far from my thoughts, Honeybunny.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

Tears. They wash away our sorrows, and give us a means to express the emotions that words can't even begin to describe.

Cry if you need to, Kate. And heal.

Thinking of you.
J

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I find crying to be incredibly cathartic. At least once a day, I get tears in my eyes when Gavin smiles at me ... because it's a reminder of how far we've come with him and how lucky we are to have such a beautiful boy. Emotions - they're powerful and strong and I think it's totally fine to mix in tears if the moment calls for them.

Sparkling Red said...

I wish you all the best. (hug)

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

Yoga, strawberries. It's a start. In spring I always feel like my dogs when they shake off rain- heavy, but capable of lightening myself up.

Helen said...

Tears are cathartic as long as you're not drowning in them. I totally understand the heavy feeling of Spring. It's usually Summer when I feel like I've burst free!

Bill said...

Brava! Stay with it. There are a lot of us rooting for you.

melissalion said...

I think of Spring as an in-between time. It's a lost season for me. I have no attachment to it, good or bad. But I'm trying to change that and find beauty in the tiny buds opening and occasional sunshine. I think next year we should meet up in Austin for some warmth. No busses for you.

Can do mom said...

This might sound dumb, but I (usually) like where I am, best. When it's spring, I like spring best. When it's summer, I like summer best and so on. I don't take any credit for that btw,I think it's a gift God gave me.

Cry those tears as you feel the need. I hope that the warm weather and rebirth/renewal of the season will bless you richly!

justme said...

i do think spring has some of these tendencies in a lot of people. especially with so many things, it's no wonder your heart is heavy. here is to lightness!

KT said...

Crying is great. Everyone needs a good bawl once in a while.

I hope your heart gets lighter soon.

Jen said...

Yoga away my dear, it always helps. And if crying and eating helps too, then by all means do so. We need to listen to our bodies more often, it really knows what's best for us. Hugs!

E said...

Okay this is a spring remedy...make a pea pesto..peas instead of basil, garlic, olive oil, sugar, and finely ground walnuts.
Then make pasta, penne or fusilli maybe, ladle on the pea pesto add a whole bunch of peas cooked al dente with generous helpings of real parmigiano reggiano.
This will make you feel lighter. I promise. It always works for me every March just when I need it the most
I really needed it last night and it was just the ticket