Things are kind of in upheaval in New Life Land. People are changing. Situations are changing. I think I'm changing. And I'm experiencing some extreme grief over a few things. I recognize this as healthy for me, but walking through it has been tough. I can't share it with the people I normally share things with because they are involved, and their own changes and grief take precedence as I attempt to be there for them. There have been lots of tears on my part. And I feel worn out from it all. And selfish too. It's not even MY change. It's someone else's life change that affects me a little and them a lot. So I feel selfish for even feeling this way. And I'm trying to make peace with that.
This morning after yoga class, the instructor was talking about Spring being a "heavy" season. She said that we normally think of people being happier and more active as we come out of our winter lairs. But as she explained, it's more normal to feel a heaviness in our hearts and bodies during the early Spring months when the rain and melting snow bog things down. And I started crying. Because that's exactly how I feel. Heavy and burdened. But I also feel relieved. Or like I was given permission to be heavy right now. Apparently, I was supposed to be at that yoga class this morning. I haven't gone to yoga for years. And I show up to hear that? Not an accident.
I powered through the dark days of February. Never once feeling an impending meltdown. But the Ides of March have hit me this year. So I'm going to keep going back to yoga. Because it felt good. And I'm going to keep not watching the news. Because I can't go there. The tragedy overwhelms me and then I get that horrifying helpless feeling which I don't have the tools to combat. And I'm going to eat strawberries. Because for some odd reason, my body is craving strawberries. And I'm going to keep crying. Because somewhere in those tears is some sort of healing.