The Future of New Life

1:41 PM Edit This 103 Comments »
I've been away from my blog so long, I couldn't even figure out how to write a new post. I am not happy about change in any way, shape, or form, but that is the way of the world, no?

I am home sick today. It came quickly last night and took over with a force. I haven't been this sick in a long, long time. But it is going around, and I am "around" many more people these days than I have been in the last six years, that's for certain. That's progress, and it's also taken it's toll on me. I have had a very difficult time adjusting to my new job. I am "on" from the minute I walk in the door. I listen to people. I hand over the kleenex on a regular basis and I have the privilege of bearing witness to others' pain every day. Then I come home to Tiny Apartment and regroup, relax; to make sense of this life I am living. I know for a fact that I am doing today what I am supposed to be doing. I love that I was brought to this place of veritable peacefulness where I get to use my gifts to help others. But I am also making tentative plans for my future.

A future alone. Weird to say that. Out loud through my fingertips. Don't think I've said it out loud through my lips yet. I am coming to terms with this thing that is my New Life. I have been waiting around for a long time. Waiting for life to come to me, or to happen, or to meet someone, or to do someTHING. And next year, I am going to be 40. I don't want to be 40 and waiting around anymore.

Remember when I got a financial adviser? Well, I met with him again last November. I am living paycheck to paycheck, trying to pay off debt. There are some weeks when I eat peanut butter sandwiches for every meal, interspersed with Ramen Noodles, because that's all I can afford. But it's what I want to do - get rid of that debt, so don't think I'm asking for sympathy. He doesn't seem to think that's any way to live, so he started asking me about dreams. What? I don't dream. I told my very first therapist that in November of 2001. That's why I started going. Because I had stopped dreaming. But lo, and behold. These things people call dreams came flying out of my mouth. I want to live in a tiny cabin on a lake in Minnesota; I want a boat, a garden, chickens and a goat. And if I'm going to live there myself, I need a big dog and a big truck. "What kind of dog?" he asked. A St. Bernard. "What kind of truck?" A crew cab Dodge Ram with a 6 foot bed. Preferably in blue. Seriously. All that came out of my mouth without me even thinking about it.

And he looked at me, smiled, and said, "You know, you can have all that." And I started crying.

Because for the first time in a long time, I told someone what I wanted, and they seem to think I just might be able to do it.

103 comments:

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

You don't need sympathy for the life you're living - you deserve awe, because, girrrrl, you're taking on and doing a lot with your life. Color me impressed!!!

Helen said...

You can have all of that and more Kate. Happy New Year!

carrster said...

Your post made ME cry, Kate. But in a good way! I hope your tiny cabin in Minnesota is near me!! :)

melissalion said...

Wow, way to come back to the blog with an awesome post! Your financial guy rocks. I want one like him. And yes, you can have all of that!

Shelley said...

I like your financial guy - and I have no doubt that one of these days, you're going to be checking in with us from your tiny cabin on the lake (probably via satellite internet)!

Happy New Year, Kate!

Ink Spiller said...

Welcome home Kate! It's hard to realize that you're allowed to have dreams too and they can come true. Your financial guy rocks. Keep him. He just saved you hours or therapy I think.

KT said...

So once you get that St Bernard you are going to have to take A LOT of pictures because THEY ARE SO ADORABLE!! :-)

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

Everyone that reads your blog thinks you can do it. In fact, I know you can. Good for you, lady!

Lemon Gloria said...

I know you can do it, and I know you can have the life you want. You're creating it, bit by bit. I'm so glad he pushed. Yay, Kate!

MsDarkstar said...

While anything to do with Minnesota is not on my agenda, I think your dream can ABSOLUTELY become your reality. I'm STILL looking for what it is that I should be doing with my life. So far, it's eluding me, but I figure I'll "get it" when the time is right.

Glad you are still periodically sharing your journey with us! Hugs to you!

E said...

These birthday milestones have a way of crystalizing things don't they? I am going to be fifty this year and so with you know maybe a couple thousand weeks left to live how do I want to live them?
I highly recommend the dogs and chickens. They fill my own life with a deep satisfaction.
And I want a ride on that boat too!

E said...

Come back Kate. We --- I miss you
Catch us up and fill us in

Kate said...

E. I am trying out a new blog. Will post the link when I'm comfortable with it. My "New Life" is no longer so morbid. And my new blog wants to reflect that, I guess. Sigh. It's been a long haul to come out on the other side of grief.

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AntiSatan said...

God has been the difference in my own life during times of loneliness, heartbreak, and pain. I know too well what it means of not getting encouraged by others and the hurt that comes from that. I've found that only God always offer encouragement and hope, much better than any human can offer. I can only imagine how it feels to be widowed. I have the taste of having a soul tie broken- I've gotten dumped in the past and it's hurt me so much in the past. The Bible teaches that a sexual relationship (whether marital or premarital) results in the man and woman becoming one (a soul tie). Rejection and abandonment are all painful things. King Solomon said that everything in this world is vanity, everything is meaningless- a chasing after the wind. Eventually whatever we gain in this world (relationships, success, wealth), we lose them all at some point. There is something you can never lose though- God. God surpasses everything in our lives. Our thirsting for things in this world (especially human relationships) is evidence that we need something greater than those things to satisfy us because everything except God will end up failing you in some way. God has promised us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. God can't die on us and leave us in a state of loneliness. God won't cheat on us, dump us and go off with someone else. Whenever you feel lonely or feel that you're missing something in your life- realize that God wants to fill that void in your life. So many times I've been ignorant about the Bible. We're trained from our birth to live by our 5 senses- thus we look to perceive God with those senses. Most of the time, we can't perceive God with our 5 senses as He is a spiritual being. God has wanted me to develop my spiritual senses and rely on His word (the Bible) to experience Him. I've learned to always see God's word as alive, powerful, and relevant for each day. When I've failed to see that in the past, it's robbed me so much joy and peace. I've learned to look at the Bible as a powerful and active gateway/portal to God. We can try to occupy our minds with so many different things in this world to try and fill the void in our lives or suppress the pain, but all of those things will keep us still hungry and thirsty. God has promised us that if we reach out to Him, He will give us rest, quench our thirst, and satisfy our hunger. If you haven't done that, I hope you will give God a chance. I further hope that God will use you to go and reach others with His word, just like He has used me to reach out to you. Many people in this world are hurting just like you. Many are just looking for a simple act of kindness or a word of encouragement (words are powerful- they can heal and motivate or when used in an evil manner destroy others) which they don't receive from others. Ultimately, many even end their own lives because they feel hopeless and want to end their pain of torment- all because they've failed to see God was nearby all along and they failed to perceive Him with their spiritual senses. God loves you more than any human in this world! He wants to be your companion today and take care of you and your family's needs. I hope you see and explore His love for you today through the Bible- the Bible is the secret source for unraveling peace and joy for you when you can't find them in this world. I can't give you physical copy of the Bible right now, but you can freely access it online at (www.biblegateway.com). May God bless you, heal you and strengthen you and your family. Continue to write and help others for His glory. Claim God's promises to you from His word today. Humans will likely fail to encourage you when you really need it, however, God won't fail. All you need to do is turn to His word. It is available 24/7 whenever you need it- to experience God.

AntiSatan said...

Please read these verses when you get the chance- Isaiah 55:11-13; Jeremiah 49:11; Psalm 146:9; Psalm 68:5; Isaiah 54:4-6; Revelation 21:1-7; Jeremiah 17:5-8; Isaiah 2:22; 1 Corinthians 7:29-35.

Also, learn to find euphoria in God (not in things of this world). Many times, we tend to seek euphoria through good food, cars, fancy clothing, jewelry, a beautiful home, and so many other things. None of those things give a permanent euphoria- they only give a temporary euphoria and end up putting more stress on our finances. I've learned to develop a minimalist approach to living in this world- learning to just survive. When you develop that type of attitude, you protect yourself from unhappiness. When you give your desires to God and let God manage your life, He will give you what you need to survive in this world. So many times, I've bought things which I thought I needed to give me happiness, and it ended up being a waste. I learned I was looking at the wrong places for happiness. I failed during those times to look at God as my constant source of happiness and only depend on Him for my daily needs. Learn to not make the mistake of trusting in yourself, others, or any material thing in this world. Learn to trust God instead, as He has promised that He will never fail you. Learn the lesson of the Israelites of their constant lack of trusting and depending on God during their time in the wilderness (refer especially to Exodus 16:16-21). Only seek what is essential while living in this world, nothing more and nothing less.