The Future of New Life
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I've been away from my blog so long, I couldn't even figure out how to write a new post. I am not happy about change in any way, shape, or form, but that is the way of the world, no?
I am home sick today. It came quickly last night and took over with a force. I haven't been this sick in a long, long time. But it is going around, and I am "around" many more people these days than I have been in the last six years, that's for certain. That's progress, and it's also taken it's toll on me. I have had a very difficult time adjusting to my new job. I am "on" from the minute I walk in the door. I listen to people. I hand over the kleenex on a regular basis and I have the privilege of bearing witness to others' pain every day. Then I come home to Tiny Apartment and regroup, relax; to make sense of this life I am living. I know for a fact that I am doing today what I am supposed to be doing. I love that I was brought to this place of veritable peacefulness where I get to use my gifts to help others. But I am also making tentative plans for my future.
A future alone. Weird to say that. Out loud through my fingertips. Don't think I've said it out loud through my lips yet. I am coming to terms with this thing that is my New Life. I have been waiting around for a long time. Waiting for life to come to me, or to happen, or to meet someone, or to do someTHING. And next year, I am going to be 40. I don't want to be 40 and waiting around anymore.
Remember when I got a financial adviser? Well, I met with him again last November. I am living paycheck to paycheck, trying to pay off debt. There are some weeks when I eat peanut butter sandwiches for every meal, interspersed with Ramen Noodles, because that's all I can afford. But it's what I want to do - get rid of that debt, so don't think I'm asking for sympathy. He doesn't seem to think that's any way to live, so he started asking me about dreams. What? I don't dream. I told my very first therapist that in November of 2001. That's why I started going. Because I had stopped dreaming. But lo, and behold. These things people call dreams came flying out of my mouth. I want to live in a tiny cabin on a lake in Minnesota; I want a boat, a garden, chickens and a goat. And if I'm going to live there myself, I need a big dog and a big truck. "What kind of dog?" he asked. A St. Bernard. "What kind of truck?" A crew cab Dodge Ram with a 6 foot bed. Preferably in blue. Seriously. All that came out of my mouth without me even thinking about it.
And he looked at me, smiled, and said, "You know, you can have all that." And I started crying.
Because for the first time in a long time, I told someone what I wanted, and they seem to think I just might be able to do it.
I am home sick today. It came quickly last night and took over with a force. I haven't been this sick in a long, long time. But it is going around, and I am "around" many more people these days than I have been in the last six years, that's for certain. That's progress, and it's also taken it's toll on me. I have had a very difficult time adjusting to my new job. I am "on" from the minute I walk in the door. I listen to people. I hand over the kleenex on a regular basis and I have the privilege of bearing witness to others' pain every day. Then I come home to Tiny Apartment and regroup, relax; to make sense of this life I am living. I know for a fact that I am doing today what I am supposed to be doing. I love that I was brought to this place of veritable peacefulness where I get to use my gifts to help others. But I am also making tentative plans for my future.
A future alone. Weird to say that. Out loud through my fingertips. Don't think I've said it out loud through my lips yet. I am coming to terms with this thing that is my New Life. I have been waiting around for a long time. Waiting for life to come to me, or to happen, or to meet someone, or to do someTHING. And next year, I am going to be 40. I don't want to be 40 and waiting around anymore.
Remember when I got a financial adviser? Well, I met with him again last November. I am living paycheck to paycheck, trying to pay off debt. There are some weeks when I eat peanut butter sandwiches for every meal, interspersed with Ramen Noodles, because that's all I can afford. But it's what I want to do - get rid of that debt, so don't think I'm asking for sympathy. He doesn't seem to think that's any way to live, so he started asking me about dreams. What? I don't dream. I told my very first therapist that in November of 2001. That's why I started going. Because I had stopped dreaming. But lo, and behold. These things people call dreams came flying out of my mouth. I want to live in a tiny cabin on a lake in Minnesota; I want a boat, a garden, chickens and a goat. And if I'm going to live there myself, I need a big dog and a big truck. "What kind of dog?" he asked. A St. Bernard. "What kind of truck?" A crew cab Dodge Ram with a 6 foot bed. Preferably in blue. Seriously. All that came out of my mouth without me even thinking about it.
And he looked at me, smiled, and said, "You know, you can have all that." And I started crying.
Because for the first time in a long time, I told someone what I wanted, and they seem to think I just might be able to do it.
11 comments:
You don't need sympathy for the life you're living - you deserve awe, because, girrrrl, you're taking on and doing a lot with your life. Color me impressed!!!
You can have all of that and more Kate. Happy New Year!
Your post made ME cry, Kate. But in a good way! I hope your tiny cabin in Minnesota is near me!! :)
Wow, way to come back to the blog with an awesome post! Your financial guy rocks. I want one like him. And yes, you can have all of that!
I like your financial guy - and I have no doubt that one of these days, you're going to be checking in with us from your tiny cabin on the lake (probably via satellite internet)!
Happy New Year, Kate!
Welcome home Kate! It's hard to realize that you're allowed to have dreams too and they can come true. Your financial guy rocks. Keep him. He just saved you hours or therapy I think.
So once you get that St Bernard you are going to have to take A LOT of pictures because THEY ARE SO ADORABLE!! :-)
Everyone that reads your blog thinks you can do it. In fact, I know you can. Good for you, lady!
I know you can do it, and I know you can have the life you want. You're creating it, bit by bit. I'm so glad he pushed. Yay, Kate!
While anything to do with Minnesota is not on my agenda, I think your dream can ABSOLUTELY become your reality. I'm STILL looking for what it is that I should be doing with my life. So far, it's eluding me, but I figure I'll "get it" when the time is right.
Glad you are still periodically sharing your journey with us! Hugs to you!
These birthday milestones have a way of crystalizing things don't they? I am going to be fifty this year and so with you know maybe a couple thousand weeks left to live how do I want to live them?
I highly recommend the dogs and chickens. They fill my own life with a deep satisfaction.
And I want a ride on that boat too!
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