Therapy Thursday
3:43 PM Edit This 16 Comments »
Hello Internet. I had therapy on Thursday this week. It doesn't roll off the toungue as well as Therapy Tuesday, but whatever. It's therapy day. And I go back next Tuesday. Because we are uncovering a whole load of crap that I have chosen up until last Tuesday to leave in the dark. Where I wanted it buried for good.
But for reasons only The Universe knows, that casket was getting deep cracks in it from the weight of the pain. And it was no longer holding. Pieces of it would break off and find their way to my heart, stabbing it in a familiar way. I'd been trying to shy away from it. You know when you breathe slowly and shallowly with bruised and broken ribs, the piercing pain subsides? That's what I've been doing. Breathing so shallowly that I wasn't getting enough air. The panic began in earnest about a month ago, which made me gasp late at night when I put my guard down and then the thrust of pain hit even deeper.
So I flounced into Carolyn's office last Tuesday and said, "I'm ready." And spewed seven years' worth of secrets into the air. I threw up once. At one point, I was gasping for breath, unable to speak and trying to let my hands tell her without words. And I ended the whole conversation curled in a ball on her couch, clutching a pillow to my chest, no longer even crying. But filled with a silent dread. I have sat on that couch since August of 2004, when if I had told her the truth then, I would not be where I am today. Stuck and frustrated. But as she assures me, I didn't even really know the truth then to be able to tell it.
When the dust cleared, I looked up at her. The first time I'd looked at her at all since I entered her office and said, "Now what?" And she said, "We will let the process do it's work." And well? I thought just the telling of it would make it better. Turns out, we have to open all these old wounds and examine why they were knit so badly together. I didn't care for them when they were healing, so I have to cut them out and heal them all over again. What? Sigh.
Late last Wednesday night, 48 hours after I let loose the beast in my brain, I completely lost it. There was a sobbing emergency call to Chakra Queen who flew right into crisis counseling mode and made me promise not to hurt myself and calmed me down enough to go to bed. I had no idea these ghosts were so powerful. When I went back to Carolyn this last time, she asked me what I was afraid of. And I told her my feelings were too big. Just too big. And now I see the reality of that. This is too big for me. All of it.
But somehow, I am convinced that this last piece of my past, in the light of day, will heal some part of me that keeps me enslaved.
But for reasons only The Universe knows, that casket was getting deep cracks in it from the weight of the pain. And it was no longer holding. Pieces of it would break off and find their way to my heart, stabbing it in a familiar way. I'd been trying to shy away from it. You know when you breathe slowly and shallowly with bruised and broken ribs, the piercing pain subsides? That's what I've been doing. Breathing so shallowly that I wasn't getting enough air. The panic began in earnest about a month ago, which made me gasp late at night when I put my guard down and then the thrust of pain hit even deeper.
So I flounced into Carolyn's office last Tuesday and said, "I'm ready." And spewed seven years' worth of secrets into the air. I threw up once. At one point, I was gasping for breath, unable to speak and trying to let my hands tell her without words. And I ended the whole conversation curled in a ball on her couch, clutching a pillow to my chest, no longer even crying. But filled with a silent dread. I have sat on that couch since August of 2004, when if I had told her the truth then, I would not be where I am today. Stuck and frustrated. But as she assures me, I didn't even really know the truth then to be able to tell it.
When the dust cleared, I looked up at her. The first time I'd looked at her at all since I entered her office and said, "Now what?" And she said, "We will let the process do it's work." And well? I thought just the telling of it would make it better. Turns out, we have to open all these old wounds and examine why they were knit so badly together. I didn't care for them when they were healing, so I have to cut them out and heal them all over again. What? Sigh.
Late last Wednesday night, 48 hours after I let loose the beast in my brain, I completely lost it. There was a sobbing emergency call to Chakra Queen who flew right into crisis counseling mode and made me promise not to hurt myself and calmed me down enough to go to bed. I had no idea these ghosts were so powerful. When I went back to Carolyn this last time, she asked me what I was afraid of. And I told her my feelings were too big. Just too big. And now I see the reality of that. This is too big for me. All of it.
But somehow, I am convinced that this last piece of my past, in the light of day, will heal some part of me that keeps me enslaved.
16 comments:
Glad you are getting the help you need. Go get your baby fix with those cute little ones (There are two little babies right? Or just the one?) Anyway, a hug and a snuggle will help patch things up too.
I thought of you when I heard this earlier in the week.
Broken by Tift Merritt
More appropriate than I knew.
i am sorry that it was so tough this week. but i think you hit on the most important thing of all. you think that you are "fixed" at times...but really, you are in the process. it's all a process. we can't get rid of the past, and we carry it with us in different ways.
It's hard to read of you suffering, when I am so far away and I fear there's little I can do. The fact you know to reach out is so immense, and it gives me great hope. I'm impressed with you. Thank you for writing.
Sometimes, just when you think you're in the clear, there's more waiting around the corner. You're surprised it's there and you're never able to anticipate the magnitude of it. Where was it hiding? You were healing. You had got so far. How could you not have noticed it? Surely you've learned a thing or two since....!
None of that's important. What's important is that once the feelings become smaller and easier to manage again you realize it's possible to be happy and smile.
The real trick lies in being able to quit trying to anticipate and prepare for the next one and being afraid it's going to be even worse.
It gets better Kate. It always does.
You bring strength to some of us, Kate.
The human psyche is a deep and very complex thing. Most of us, myself included, prefer to dabble in the outer layers. You, my dear, have shown great courage and strength to dig deep to where it's dark and sometimes scary. I'm so very impressed with your persistence to get to a place where you can be truly, deeply happy. You'll get there; I have no doubt about it.
Feelings are hard and I don't think that I have the courage to dig as deep as you do. Keep at it and it will get easier.
It will. You are so courageous!! Carry on, my dear. Carry on.
It will get better. All those things that feel as though they will never get better do, with enough time and TLC. (((HUGS)))
Kate, you have good, good people to help you through. You have so many people who love you and think you are amazing. You will work through this as well.
Hugs to you, my courageous friend.
You are brave, lady friend. I know it feels totally scary, but you know what? You're like the hulk, or Jason Bourne. You went in there and laid it on the line and now you're there ready to slay some crap with a ball point pen. Or a toast and a newspaper. Okay, maybe you're not obsessed with Jason Bourne like I am, but you get what I'm saying, right? Rock on!
I admire you and the work you are doing. And I'm proud of you.
Carolyn's right. You didn't know the truth to be able to fix it. The truth comes in its own time and there's nothing we can do but address it when it comes. Hang in there, Katie-did. You are strong and you can handle this. And when you do? You will breathe deep and long.
Kate thank you for sharing this, You are a beautiful person.
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