New Life

I saw my therapist last Tuesday. I've been seeing her at least once a week for over three years now, you'd think I'd be cured :). But I'm not. Being in Jason's life, losing him and starting over has been a long process. Getting sober has been a long process, having a life again has been a process. She said the same thing my mother has said for over six months - you need a better job that challenges you. I know that in my heart, and yet it's frightening. I worked for the church for over 10 years, did a stint running group homes, and worked with behavioral disordered kids in NC for a year (which I loved). Now, I'm a secretary. My main job is to keep the surgeon I work for from pissing people off and getting pissed off - quitting or being fired. It really is true, doctors are very difficult to work for. But I love him, he piques my intellect, politically, spiritually, emotionally. Not a day goes by that we don't talk about "life" and how it changes and evolves as life experiences take us different place. For the first time in my life, I'm excited about politics. I'm lucky to work with a surgeon that sees his skill as an art and a science.

And I work with a wonderful woman who is close in age to me and whom is one of my best friends. I got this job the day after I left Tallgrass Recovery Center. It was a gift that I can't even fathom even now that I got. It wasn't even the job that I wanted - yet it was the perfect fit. And now I have to think about leaving. I love my job, but mostly all I do is surf the internet all day.

I have a master's degree, and I'm a secretary. For some reason, there was nothing wrong with that for the first six months of sobriety. Now, it just seems likes a waste. I've got the skills, I've got the ambition, I'm just scared to branch out and "try" again. Human services is where it's at for me. So I do the elimination. I don't like working with the elderly or mentally challenged - been there done that and its not me. I like kids and families. That's where my skills lie, but where do you go from there? I'm afraid and I suppose that's okay. It says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that we have to do the uncomfortable and unfamiliar when we want to grow. Ack. I don't have to like it, but I have to do it.

I hate that I'm 35 and I'm starting over. I hate that I'm not married and I hate that I don't have kids. I always wanted to be a young mom. That was not the direction my life took. Most of the time, I can be okay with where I've been and where I'm going, but tonight, I think it sucks. I think I'd make a great wife and mom, but it's not to be. I don't know where God is taking me, and I don't like that I don't know that either. I think I'm pissed about the whole thing, but that's okay too. One of the pastors I worked with once told me that it's okay to be angry at God - he's got the biggest shoulders to cry on. That made sense at the time, but I also know that I'm keeping my work and (truth be told) my love life out of His hands, and that will get me nowhere. I guess it will have to be okay for tonight. And that's all it can be. Reality. Don't like it sometimes.