The Assignment

11:15 AM Edit This 1 Comment »
Okay, so I was a little down last night. I still am. I cried for a few minutes this morning when I got to work. What the heck is wrong with me? I definitely need to get out of town and in less than eight hours, I WILL be!

Funny. The surgeon I work for asked me this morning when I was going to move on and go back to school. Apparently, pushing me to do the next right thing is "catching." (Mom, therapist, sponsor, friends, now my boss?! ) I'm trying to sort out Medical School vs. PhD or just getting a specialization in Play Therapy, which is what I've always wanted to do. I could be a psychiatrist, but I'm not so much into the medication. I like pathology better (Yes, sociopaths....) Our minds are just so fascinating to me. There's a school about 45 minutes from here that I was thinking about visiting last fall and then chickened out. Maybe now's the time. Ack. Stupid decisions.

My "assignment" for this week is to dream about my future. Yeah. I don't do that anymore. I understand the importance of having dreams and goals, but the fear, the irrational fear that I have of never getting to a goal just paralyzes me. I really had no idea that I stopped dreaming about the future when Jason died. I spent a lot of time grieving the physical and tangible losses. I didn't spend time addressing the fact that I lost my dreams of our life together. So I just stopped thinking about the future. Period. I've got stuff on my calendar for this month and next. But you know - those lofty dreams. They're gone and I am not sure how to get them back. When people mention my "future plans" I just kind of freeze emotionally and mentally. Like "Nope. Not going to go there." And apparently people can see that steely look in my eye that says I've got that part of my life under lock and key.

So, an assignment to dream. I suppose I can start with school. That sounds more safe than "life in general...."


carrster said...

Crying is a-okay. As Laurie told me not too long ago - it flushes the toxins out of the system, right? Very useful.

I think it's okay that your dreams hibernated for a while. It's only natural to be apprehensive about the future after your loss...but now things are pointing in a new direction - signs are appearing - maybe it's time to start opening that dream-window again and looking out. Maybe this weekend will be a good time to reflect on that...especially since you'll be at a retreat - away from home, time to think....?