The Date

10:13 PM Edit This 4 Comments »
Okay internets. It was good. Not great. But good.

I had a horrible day with the good surgeon. He blew a gasket about something that was really unimportant in the scheme of life and I started bawling at work. I hate that I did that. I hate that I couldn't keep my composure. I hate that after all this therapy and AA and time that I couldn't seem to put things in perspective. But he yelled. He was so angry. And at nothing that I did. Nothing that WE did, nothing that anyone really did. And I don't like irrational, angry people today. I knew he had a history of being a jerk to people in surgery for years and years, but he's never directly yelled at me. And I lost it. I hate that I cried and ran to the bathroom and slammed the door.

He came back later in the day to see patients and was like a wet puppy, but I can't turn around that fast. I just can't. He went from one of my favorite people in the whole world to someone whose not safe. And whereas I have lots of good, good friends, safe is a whole entity in itself. He was safe, and all of a sudden, he's not.

Angry words? Totally frightening. I shut down. In an instant. The irrational anger? Terrifies me and makes me indignant and when I feel those things, I cry. I cry alot. It's the way I deal with the unfamiliar. I hate it about myself. I wish I could just talk back, but I can't. I was so proud of this job. Ecstatic that in the year and a half that I've been here, I've never once not wanted to go to work. And now? I just want to call in sick or quit. Which is neither here nor there, because I won't. But it sucks and I'm feeling sorry for myself. I hate that I don't want to go to work tomorrow. It has been the highlight of my waking days - he's been my intellectual muse. And now? He's not safe.

The date? He was very nice. He talked about his recent (very recent, a little bit of a red flag, there) divorce and asks why if I'm so pretty why I've never been married. What do you say to that? I'm fucked in the head? Seriously. But I just said that my fiance died almost three years ago and I'm finally ready to date. And then they get this pity thing, and I don't know what to say. It's not about pity, it's about reality and the fact that I think I've done a hell of a lot of work to get where I am today and I don't really want to talk about it. Don't know how we got to talking about AA, but his whole family is in recovery. How weird is that? So he gets it, but doesn't get it, and it's okay, but I'm still so embarassed to even be ME at this point that I just don't know how to be.

He said he wanted to call me this weekend, and I e-mailed him my phone number. He may not be the one, but I did it.

And there were no dryer sheets in my shirt this time. Ha!


GreenCanary said...

I'm very proud of you for going on the date, and also for not quitting your job. Don't let the fact that you cried upset you. Your boss did a hateful thing by yelling and while you may not have wanted to show emotion, emotion was warranted. Hell, HE showed emotion, so can you. And I totally get the need for safety. Irrational anger unsettles me, too.

carrster said...

Congrats on making it through the Match date with no dryer sheets in your shirt! One step at a time. I'm interested to hear how this turns out!! :) Any more details...?

Sorry your boss freaked you out. Hopefully things will even out again and while he might not be "safe" maybe he can regain a place of "okay-ness" with you. I hope so.

Happy Weekend!

CatKrny said...

Everybody unpacks their baggage gradually. It's just that we all have a lot more of it than when we were 20.

lacochran said...

Did the boss ever apologize?

Glad the date was at least okay. I don't think it's surprising at all that you wound up with someone who is familiar with AA in a close way. Patterns in life emerge.