I Really, Really am Blonde

12:40 PM Edit This 12 Comments »
So, we all know that I'm a bit of a late bloomer in some departments. Dating, marriage and babies, getting my head out of my ass and living my life all stike me as appropriate topics to attach that first sentence to. And because of that lateblossomedness, you get to hear the story about my very first visit to the ADULT store.

I've never been to a bachelorette party and I've never participated in getting such things as hopping penises and coochie, coochie tic tac toe. And whereas I might *ahem* own a few things that could be put in the category of apparatus, I have never bought said apparatus for myself. Gifts. All of them. So...... Moving on.

My sponsor is getting married at the recovery campout I'm going to this weekend. Her sponsor, my good friend M and the girl that I sponsor decided we'd do a little girls only, iced-coffee shotting bachelorette party at the camper tonight.

M is in charge of iced coffee and twinkies - something about twinkies and donut holes. You figure that one out. And the rest of us were supposed to go get party favors. Look. I blush when I PASS Annabelle's, much less go in, but that was part of the devious plan - to get me to go in. Ha! I felt like a criminal even turning into the parking lot. My face got hot when I opened the front door, my hands were sweaty and I know that my heart was beating faster than normal when I walked in. Being presented with that much sex all at once was a little overwhelming and I got that yucky nervousy feeling inside. I accidentally touched a "feels real" penile sort of thing and literally gasped. The salesladies were laughing, my friends were laughing and I was sort of like get-me-out-of-here-before-I-can't-breathing/giggling. (I think that would be briggling. I like that word.)

They eased me into it - looking at the stilletto heels, costumes and lotions for awhile before taking me to the big guns aisle of, well - of the THINGYS. Holy schnikies people. I think my eyeballs just about popped out of my head. I'm pointing at things saying, people actually put that thing (pointing) in there (pointing at my girly parts) with incredulity. And he's supposed to put his thing (pointing) in THERE? (Pointing still. I've got to stop that.)

And if someone wants to privately tell me what these bead things really are for, that would be very welcome. I mean, how do you ever find out if your friends don't tell you and instead stare at you and ask you, "What do you mean you don't know?" I. Don't. Know.

So there you have it. I've been indoctrinated into the girls-who-have-bought-sex-toys club. Thank you very much. There will not be a repeat performance very soon.

Oh, and I'm leaving on vacation. Don't miss me!

12 comments:

modernartifact said...

tee-hee. this is great stuff. um, i don't know what those bead things are for. i really don't. but i did learn from watching a movie called "love and sex" what a butt-plug looks like. and i never ever want one. ever.

okay, so... the "feels real" penis - it FELT REAL? really??
.
.
.
REALLY REAL??

Kate said...

No, it felt like a creepy pretends-it's-alive baby doll. And THAT'S even creepier.

Nilsa S. said...

Ha! And these are all the reasons why I don't want a bachelorette party myself. (Which, ironically I blogged about today!)

carrster said...

hahahaha! That's awesome! I don't like going in those type of stores for similar reasons. Yikes!

Laurie & I (!) visited Sex World (!!) before Holly's bachelorette party and after several margaritas to buy Miss Holly a lovely present (The Mini-Rabbit) - we were so so so funny in that store - completely giggly and stupid acting. Ahhhhh........good times...

stoogepie said...

Wait, the beads were anal beads, right? There can't be anything in any sex store in the world I have not seen, so they had to be anal beads. I will happily tell you how to use them if you like.

Hey, you say you were indoctrinated into the girls-who-have-bought-sex-toys club. What did you buy? Did you buy the beads?

This was my first visit to your blog but it looks fab! And, lateblossomedness or not, it looks like you're blossoming just perfectly from what I've read so far.

Have an awesome vacay!

Holly said...

Ahh...my Mini-Rabbit. Oops, what that outloud?

We visited one in NYC when we were on the SATC tour. Have to say that was prolly the second time I have ever been in a shop. It's easier when you are on a tour with a bunch of other women. Takes the embarassment out of it when peeps are grabbing 'product' off the shelf and taking pictures :)

Shania said...

you say "Gifts. All of them." ALL of them? Just how many we talking here, girlfriend? ;)

And briggling? Totally stealing it. (with credit, of course)

rudecactus said...

So what did you buy? Oh, and have a great trip.

E said...

three words...myladotcom

Have a fun vacation.
And have fun in your new discovery zone, because orgasms beat booze every time!

GreenCanary said...

Um. I know what the beads are for. What does that say about me? I can't go into those types of stores because I inevitably lose my mind and whip someone with a riding crop. I'm just sayin'.

lacochran said...

Very entertaining. :) Glad you made it out alive.

Stapeliad said...

Wow
can't say I've been to one of those places... except for Condommania in the West Village.

Not quite the same thing.

I did work at a candy shop in college that sold enormous chocolate penises.