Beating Down the Crazy

8:32 AM Edit This 16 Comments »
We're taking a break from my dating life.

Sort of.

When I was at Tallgrass and working on the 4th step in my recovery program, I got to the section on fears and immediately froze. This is what had been the problem all along. Fear. Of everything. All the time. I sat in the office bawling (As usual. In the three years they've been open, I still hold the prize for the most time spent bawling. Whenever they get a crier, they just call me to come talk to them. Paybacks are a bitch.) asking Dan how I was supposed to put that on paper. How do you put into words that all encompassing fear that immobilizes you, closes your brain off from any lucid thought and leads you back to the bottle every time? How is that possible? And he asked me a simple question. "Let's start with people, okay? In relationships with family, friends, whoever, what are you most afraid of?" And this is what spilled out of my mouth.

"I'm stupid, fat and ugly."

What. The. Hell.

I had no idea I thought that of myself. I had no clue how that got into my head, but it pretty much summed up my fear of people. And today when I feel fearful of people, I go right back there. I'm stupid. I don't know how to be a good friend. I don't know how to be in a relationship. I don't know how to talk to people at all. I'm fat. I need to lose weight. I'll always be overweight and people are always looking at me and thinking that. I'm ugly. No one wants me. No one wants to be seen with me. I'm not someone anyone would be proud to have on their arm. THOSE are the lies that get perpetuated when I am alone in my head. Today, I KNOW they are lies and I KNOW how to make them go away. I pick up the phone and tell my sponsor that the voices are getting louder and she tells me to ask God to remove them and go help another alcoholic. It really is that simple.

So when 3.0 starts telling me that he likes the whole package of me; that I'm smart and funny and beautiful and have a smoking hot rack, I immediately go to mistrust and fear. He doesn't know what the voices tell me and he doesn't know that if he really gets to know me that he'll find out that I really am stupid, fat and ugly. And I beat those thoughts with a very large stick, but they are never quite beaten far enough down. They're always lurking at the surface. Someday, I'd like them to take flight, leave the nest, start families of their own and perpetuate someone else's crazy. But for now, I keep fighting the good fight. And kissing 3.0. I get to see him tonight...


Shania said...

"We accept the love we feel we deserve". I don't know who said it, but I believe it. Please know that you do deserve it, and accept it when it comes.

Stapeliad said...

Something that might help you on a constant subconscious level is putting little affirmations around your home. Little messages to yourself that are positive and empowering.

And put a lot of them in the bathroom.

Even if you don't read them all the time, the energy they represent is constantly present.

I did this in my home and it's really pleasant. Everywhere I go there are nice messages to myself. It definitely helps.



Daisee579 said...

Stapeliad has some good advice - for you and me. I have the same thoughts and fears. I just know one day my husband will see just how dumb, fat, ugly, and unworthy I really am and will finally take the hint and leave. Sometimes I can't even understand why he married me other than he felt sorry for me.

But other days, it's not so bad. Maybe you and I can both stretch the not so bad days out and remember in the bad times that we are strong, beautiful, and smart women!!

I have a little sticky on my computer that says "Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections." I found it at a dark time in my life a year or so ago, and it seems to help me remember I can control my happiness. Or something like that :)

lacochran said...

Everyone has insecurities. The key is not letting them stand in your way. You are worthy. Totally.

Holly said...

My dear Kate. Two things I want to say to you today.

1. You are a good, wonderful person who has been a good, wonderful friend for what... nearly 20 years now? I wouldn't be following your blog and laughing out loud and hoping to catch up with you face-to-face the next time you are in Minnesota if you weren't a good, wonderful, awesome person.

2. Add 3.0 to the voices in your head. Combat those f'ers with some good voices you hear. When they come up (and I know they do, 'cuz mine do too) and start shouting, call upon 3.0's words and shout back.

Much love to you.

Anonymous said...

I've been recently realizing how much I'm controlled by my own fears. Mostly, they are fears of not succeeding, of being a "failure," of not doing to the best of my ability. I think we are all plagued by fears and confronting them can be so scary.

saratogajean said...

I'm sending you a great big imaginary stick to beat those voices down with.

And maybe even an imaginary pit bull to chase their asses away if they don't get the message.

MsDarkstar said...

Your voices and my voices oughta have dinner... and then FORGET TO COME BACK!

Turn up the volume on 3.0's voice and try to quiet the others.

More kissing! Less Fear! (that sounds like a cool mantra!)

Kristen said...

Let him show you how beautiful you are. You just might start to believe him.

Sara said...

Trust me and 3.0 - you are beautiful and smart. We all fight the voices in our head. Besides, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Scott thinks I'm beautiful, and refuses to listen to me when I tell him I'm not. I guess that's why I married him!

Malaise Inc said...

Too much estrogen around here. I'm going to break up the hen party for a second because there is something I just have to ask.

You've been out on one(and a half) dates with this guy, he tells you you have a smoking hot rack, and that is a good thing? I have been out of the dating scene far too long, I guess.

Kate said...

Well, it was one of those comments that kind of came from the backside. We were talking about the "whole package" being emotional, spiritual, physical connection. And I think it just popped out when he told me he was attracted to me physically.

stoogepie said...

You know, not enough women who are smart and funny and beautiful and have smoking hot racks have voices in their heads that scream, "You are smart and funny and beautiful and have a smoking hot rack."

Maybe that's why there are dudes: to help women drown out those voices. And to fix flat tires. And... no, that's about it.

LiLu said...

Fight the crazy! I SO know how that is. But you DO deserve it! Trust.

Megkathleen said...

Keep up the good fight! Learn to trust 3.0 - he sounds like a good guy. You are beautiful and smart and funny and he's lucky to have you. Let him drown those voices out.

Malaise Inc said...

Well, alrighty then. It still seems like an awfully bold thing to say so soon in a relationship. But, boldness was never my thing and is even less so after 16 years of marriage.

Presumably, 3.0 hasn't asked to see them. Because if he has, I'd have to rename him 2.1. ;)