Happy Feet Friday

8:19 AM Edit This 14 Comments »
There are still Awesome Socks My Mom Makes on those feet, but you've seen them in all their glory already.

Because of the discussion yesterday concerning when and if to drop trou (Thanks Malaise, I love that phrase!) with a new man, I e-mailed my recovery dad to explain the idea of "waiting" to me. It takes a village to keep this girl sober and sane, so when it comes to big decisions, I bring in the posse. Even for things like this. No matter how embarassing. Because learning to live a different way and be okay with being me is the biggest challenge I've faced thus far in life. Not drinking aside, if I don't keep my thinking and actions in line with my own morality, the crazy WILL set in and then it's only a matter of time before I think drinking to make it all go away sounds like a very good idea.

Here's how he explained it to me. "Kate, you're an alcoholic. The actions that are familiar and comfortable to you take you to the extremes. Extreme happiness, extreme self-pity, extreme sadness and extreme pleasure. Those extremes, the chaos they create, and the wreckage that they bring to you and others have led you back to the drink every single time. Do something uncomfortable and unfamiliar. See how it fits. Wait for a bit."

And then I remember my life with Jason. The extremes and the chaos and how very sick it made me feel inside. At one point, we were doing anything possible to obliterate reality. Drinking, extreme sports (while drunk), crazy insane sex, dangerous activities; anything to get us to forget our thoughts for just a few minutes. The thoughts that still haunt me sometimes. Yes, I like pleasure and I like a bit of the extreme, but today it has to be tempered with reality or everything in my life becomes an emergency. And I don't want to be the emergency anymore. I by no means lead a dull or boring life. I really like this guy. I don't want to start a life of extremes with him just because I know it will feel good momentarily. So for now, I will wait. Be a little uncomfortable. Just to see how it fits.

14 comments:

Sara said...

I think taking it slow is a good idea for you. If 3.0 is a good guy he'll understand. If not, better to find out now.

Malaise Inc said...

An interesting perspective. Within my wife's climb out of depression, she often laments being unable to shake off negative thinking and pessimism. I've told her that it is a just well-worn rut in her life and it will take conscious effort to get her wheels out of those ruts and keep them out. I never really thought that chaos and extreme behavior could be it's own form of rut. Now that I think of it, it certainly could be a form of self-medication.

Knot said...

Good stuff for all of us recovering or not.

Knot

saratogajean said...

It sounds like you have a really amazing support system.

Your village's population IQ must be off of the charts!

GreenCanary said...

Malaise is right. Any behavior that we engage in regularly, be it healthy or not, can become a rut. When I first started my journey to "get right in the head," this very rut analogy was given to me. I told a counselor how I can see that my behavior and pattern of thinking was destructive, that I could see the illogical way that I was living, but that I couldn't stop. She told me that I had been thinking and acting destructively for so long that I had worn a path, a mental path that my brain used constantly, and that now I had to build a new path. "Like a horse tied to a post," she said, "you've been walking in circles for so long that you've worn down the ground, you've dug for yourself a circular canyon. You can see the sky above the walls, you know there is a healthy life out there, but you can't get off the path." I return to that visual a lot, it gives me hope. Sometimes you need to scale the walls. It sounds like you're scaling the walls now, girlie. Good for you :-)

melissalion said...

You're being honest, asking for help and living according to your code. All good stuff!

Nilsa said...

Wow, that's some really poignant advice. And honestly? It takes one to know one. I'm not sure that as a sober person, I'd be able to describe alcoholism like that. So, good for you for seeking out the advice of lots of different people until you figure out the right answer for you!

LiLu said...

It's so great that you're able to recognize this characteristic in yourself. After all, that's half the battle... Knowledge is Power!

MsDarkstar said...

It's so cool that you have people you can talk to about stuff. That's something that's missing in my life except when I blog about something and people offer advice/words of wisdom/their thoughts.

Happy Friday, Kate!

stoogepie said...

That was a smart call to make and your takeaway sounds right for you. You're writing this script of your new life one line at a time. It's awesome that you're defining your rules and sticking with them. Awesome job.

I love Malaise's "drop trou" phrase, too.

lacochran said...

I always thought "dropping trou" was for mooning. Whatever.

Getting to know this guy a little more first sounds like really good advice. And, think how hot he'll be for it/you once you do say yes. :)

Malaise Inc said...

lachochran, it is entirely up to you what you do after you've taken your pants off. If you just want to moon people, well, have at it.

carrster said...

Kate I hear a lot of growth in your words. You're doing awesomely. Big hugs to you and have a happy weekend!

When are you coming to visit again?!?

Meigan said...

Extreme is fun, but sometimes I think being moderate has more edge to it than anything else.