The Lumberyard

8:39 AM Edit This 26 Comments »
I'll give you an update on the profile when I sort through all the suggestions. Thanks so much! Here's a blast from my past.

I dated a man for about four years when I was in my mid-twenties. We pretty much lived together, but I kept a separate address for God knows whatever reason now. I guess working for the church kinda made me want to look holy or something. Even when we all knew I was being very less than holy on a regular basis. He's the one that liked to have sex while we were watching Star Trek The Next Generation. Yep. I have a very intimate relationship with the Borg. WTF? Are there other men out there with that kind of fetish? Seven of Nine really turned him on.

Anyhooters. He had recently bought a home and was working on improvements. Gutting the kitchen, painting the whole damn place inside and out, and my favorite project - building the deck! Most of our weekends were spent at Home Depot, Lowes, Menards - all those great intriguing places that women love to go to. I finally got to the point where I'd just take his eight year old son, we'd buy some candy and go sit in the lawn and garden section and watch people. I couldn't stand the endless looking for the exact-right-nail-I-suddenly-need-another-power-tool Saturdays anymore.

So one fine spring day, he's looking for lumber. We're driving from place to place and no one has the kind of wood he wants. I'm getting frustrated. I can't stand that I'm spending yet ANOTHER Saturday at home improvement stores. So I pipe up. "What about that new place they've been advertising - The Lumberyard?" And he looks at me funny and says, "Really?" And I say, "Yeah - I guess it's right outside of town by the lake." And he says, "Okay." And he kind of snickers and turns the truck in that direction and off we go.

We get closer and he says, "So, where did you hear this commercial?" And I told him it was on the radio alot. "What do they advertise?" he asks. "I don't know. Just that it's a lumberyard. Where real men go to get wood. That's their slogan." And just as I finish, he pulls into the parking lot of a horrible looking building on the side of the road and points to The Lumberyard.

It's a strip joint.

Where real men go to get wood.

How I ended up this naive, I will never know.

26 comments:

-Peder said...

Much better than a home improvement store.

BrianAlt said...

Turned on by ST:TNG? I was a big fan of that show and I can tell you emphatically, NO!

Haha! Great story. You should consider standup.

Lemmonex said...

OK, but that is a brilliant marketing campaign, you must admit.

Daisee579 said...

Oh that is great! I didn't even think anything of it until the very end of your story. I guess that makes me naive too. I'm sitting here thinking it's a ploy of yours to get him to take you to the lake!!

Sweetly Single said...

hehehehe you made my morning brighter... good story!!

Malaise Inc said...

Just remember that pressure treated wood lasts longer.

Jen said...

Thank you for that! I'm here, still laughing aloud.

saratogajean said...

Awesome.

GreenCanary said...

I've never heard of anyone doin' it to Star Trek: The Next Generation, but now that I'm thinking about it, I can totally see how that would get one's heart pumping. I wouldn't mind some couch time with Captain Picard *wink wink*

Check out the Captain's song. You have Mr. Mystery for this one :)

Jules said...

Bwa ha ha! We have a Lumberyard here and they have the same commercial. Either it's a chain or you were in my city.

GreenCanary said...

I have no idea why that link didn't work... Try this one: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4327822273611416271

Sparkling Red said...

That's classic!

Just A Girl said...

HA! That's hilarious. I probably would have said "Well, we're here. Get the dollars." But I don't think I would have ever thought that it was a strip club beforehand.

lacochran said...

*snort* Marvelous!

Megkathleen said...

That would have to be the best slogan I have ever heard. Amazing.

Summer said...

hahahahaha

Dingo said...

I find both stories disturbing and hilarious.

buffalodick said...

Funny as Heck! By the way, if you ever see me in Lowes or Home Depot- I'm not rennovating anything- I fixing something that flat out broke!

Rachel said...

That. Is. AWESOME!

lol.

Matt said...

Thats awesome.

We have a strip club here in denver called the bus stop.

so "catching the bus" is our code speak.

t2ed said...

That's almost as bad as when I thought Hooters was an aviary.

Meigan said...

K8 - just so you know, I shared this story with some friends at work today & we were snorting with laughter. This guy showed me his Star Trek pez collection that he got for Christmas & it made me think of it.

And it was the happiest moment of the day - so thanks for that, kiddo!

melissalion said...

Love it. Did you go in?

I'm a tiny bit obsessed with strip clubs. Love them. LOVE THEM.

Maxie said...

that's amazing! BEST SLOGAN EVER.

[F]oxymoron said...

This is hilarious! There is a Cox's Cable truck sitting out front my house... I wonder how they'd advertise their service!

kristi said...

Tee hee! That is fricking hilarious!