Act Your Age!

8:27 AM Edit This 21 Comments »
I passed my annual physical with flying colors yesterday. Apparently I'm healthy as a horse. "For my age." Okay people. No one. No one has EVER uttered that phrase to me before. The nurse said it. Then when the doctor came in, HE said it. Several times. Then the nurse that helps with the pelvic exam said it. Apparently once you're over 35, this magic phrase comes out and makes excuses for your weight and your metabolism and your cholesterol. And your uterus.

When the nurse was doing the pre-interview she mentioned a baseline mammogram. "Most insurance companies pay for a baseline mammogram AT YOUR AGE." What the heck? I have to get my boobs squished NOW?

Then the doctor comes in and asks me if I have any health concerns and I brought up my weight. He looked back and said that my weight hasn't gone up or down for two years and AT MY AGE that is a good, good thing. That most people will slowly gain five to ten pounds a year. I argued a little so he looked back three years and said, "Well, you weighed quite a bit less that year. But isn't that when you weren't eating and pretty much drinking all the time? We'd much rather you be a little overweight than go back to THAT." Hrmph. Bastard.

So, we get on with the exam, and no, I didn't steal the speculum Ken. The doctor's feeling around and says, "Your uterus is quite high." And I said, "Well duh, I've never USED IT." And the nurse says, "Now, now. There's still time. AT YOUR AGE." How many people laugh during their pelvic exams? Seriously. I've got to be his most entertaining patient.

And then he has to ask all the standard physical questions:
Do you wear a seatbelt all the time? Yes.
How much ibuprophen do you take? A lot.
Are there problems with domestic abuse in the home? And I laughed and laughed and laughed. I said, "Um. No. I live with a gay man that I adore. The only abuse is way too much Bette Midler and Dolly Parton." And then I laughed some more.

This is the doctor that announced before he ever saw me four years ago that he doesn't prescribe birth control - it's against his beliefs. Which I didn't and still don't care about. Never needed it. (Now, don't get all hateful about that. This is the most conservative state I've ever lived in. And I love the man.) So - pulling the gay card was even more hilarious.

Then I went straight back to work and sent Gay Boyfriend an email asking him why he never hits me.

21 comments:

Angst Girl said...

The "for your age" thing is annoying, but a doctor who doesn't bug you about your weight?! I would totally keep seeing him too, even with the weird birth control thing.

I laughed and laughed at this entry - you're very funny. You know, for your age.

buffalodick said...

Glad to hear you're healthy! Still need a good gay beating I bet!

Sweetly Single said...

hmm what would he hit you with ... a feather boa? LOL

Glad everything is still ticking at your age hehehe

Summer said...

"For your age." Uh, you're not 80. WTF. I hate that phrase! Only because it's recently been spouted at me!! Not the weight thing though. Maybe I need to switch doctors. My doctor is always trying to drug me. Maybe she's trying to take advantage of me. She's kind of hot!

Like Ken, I was disappointed you didn't loot a little while there.

Will Gay Boyfriend throw on a wife beater and slap you around now? That would interesting to say the least.

Lemmonex said...

Yeah, I got the "now that you are getting older" a few times the last time I saw my doctor. I am 28!! I am still a baby...right?

SoMi's Nilsa said...

The only abuse is way too much Bette Midler and Dolly Parton

Do you live with my brother?!

Shania said...

I have no sympathy for you. Nope, none. I would kill for an "at your age". Much better than an "oh, I thought you were his grandmother"!

Kristen said...

I think my uterus is in between my knees right now.

That's not a good thing AT MY AGE because I'm only 34, almost 35 and there's plenty of years for it to just eventually start dragging behind me on the ground.

I've never gotten an "at your age" yet. Not even at the obstetrician's. Thank GOD!!!

Lindsey said...

So when do you get your boobs squished? Cant wait for the post about that!

Dingo said...

Since when is asking if you always wear your seatbelt a standard physical question?

And because you asked me not to get all hateful about a doctor who will not do his job because he lets his personal beliefs in the way regardless of his oath to do no harm and to serve his community, I won't.

MsDarkstar said...

I had a co-worker find out how old I am and then take me aside the next day and tell me that at my age I really cannot get away with not wearing makeup...

And I now have a mental image of Gay Boyfriend givin' you a smack on the rear and sayin' "get in the kitchen and make me some pie!"

Oxen Cox said...

Ha! Don't you love going to the physician? The worst for me was when mine, who was a friend of my FATHER'S, asked me if I had been having rough sex. (shaking head) Good to hear that you are in good health. Cheers!

LiLu said...

I don't think I could go to someone who refused to provide BC, whether I needed it or not. It's 2009, fella, and the economy's in the toilet. No more babies!

At least they laughed at your jokes, though!

lacochran said...

*sound of needle scratching on record* No birth control?

Did I dream the posts about the wild monkey sex?

Please do take care of yourself!

Kate said...

The monkey loins are always sheathed. Always. My hormones have always been too messed up to change them with birth control pills. I gave it a good Girlscout try back when I was 24 or 25 and every one we tried made me a whackjob. Which made the giving or not giving of birth contol a nonissue for me. Plus, at the time I first started seeing my doctor, Jason and I were trying to have a baby. That was even MORE fun!

Oh, and I don't plan on having a mammogram until I'm 38 or 39. But I'm sure I'll tell you all about it.

Sparkling Red said...

I'm 36 and no one's ever given me the "at your age" business. Yet. I'm sure it's not long in coming.

I wish I had that much fun with my doctor. Sometimes I try to get jokey with him but he doesn't really acknowledge it. Doesn't he know that laughter is the best medicine?

GreenCanary said...

I could go for a good gay beating right about now. Let Gay Boyfriend know that there's a market in that... He should capitalize on it.

Megkathleen said...

Thank God my doctor never asks me how much ibuprophen I take. I think he would get mad at me because it's a bit much.

Meigan said...

Hey Kate - love the new site! It totally suits you.

justjp said...

At your age???? Whatever! Still a hottie. BTW, I was getting a wisdom tooth pulled with just novocaine and listening to jazz. It was so surreal that I couldn't stop laughing.

t2ed said...

Uterus High is what I'm naming the rock band.