Today, Books Are Not My Salvation

8:43 AM Edit This 14 Comments »
I got a new book on Saturday. There was a buy two get one free table at Barnes and Noble and at one point I had six books in my arms, trying to figure out which ones I wanted. I'm such a book whore. And the libraries here are very disappointing. They say you can "order" books to be shipped in - that's crap. I want to BROWSE and I want INSTANT GRATIFICATION when it comes to books. So I have to stay away from book stores for the most part. I'd spend my whole paycheck there if I was unsupervised. What I wouldn't give for a decent library around here.

When Jason died, one of the best things that anyone did for me was bring me a bag of trashy novels. She said, "Kate, when you can't think, just pick up one of these and let it take you away." And I did. And it was the only solace my head had for many months. For a few moments, I could focus on something other than the ache and the pain. It let my head rest. I remember when I moved out of that house, I was sorting through books and I would look at them in confusion, wondering if I'd read them. And I did. But I didn't. I didn't retain any of the stories, but that's okay. It was a gift that I will remember to pass along.

Anyway. I started reading my new book on Monday night and it took my breath away. It's a book about a woman whose husband dies and then she moves away to an island, gets saved by a dog, blah blah blah. That kind. I thought it would be interesting. Instead it dragged my head back to that dark place where I miss Jason all over again. The writer must have lost a spouse because she was dead on with the pain and the confusion and the craziness; the lack of connected thoughts, the blankness that takes over your head and body. The color stripped out of your life in one instant.

So I did what I always do when I feel that way anymore. I went to a meeting and sought out the man that saved my life and he said he was giving hugs "two for one." So I took three. And we talked and he reminded me that it would pass and that I have to feel it and that it's okay to still miss him and pretty damn normal to let something I read take my mind away for awhile. And even though I don't like it, it's not that desperate missing anymore, just a little tear in my heart where there used to be a gaping hole.

And then I finished the book and she fell in love in less than a year. What a hussy.

14 comments:

Lemmonex said...

A total tramp.

And I will never stop being impressed with you, Kate. Never.

Kristen said...

You know what book I loved so much and still think about even though it's been 4 years since I've read it?

The Time Traveler's Wife.

I think you'd like it.

I'm a book whore too. Working in a library has saved me like a gazillion dollars.

Sweetly Single said...

You and I are exactly the same when it comes to books...

The book P.S. I love you did the exact same thing to me....I was actually in tears at work during my lunch break

Just A Girl said...

Oh books make me so happy. When I moved out of my parents' house, I lost a lot since they were technically my mom's but I'm working on rebuilding my collection. Have you ever read anything by Jennifer Crusie? I think you might like her. She's my favorite author, especially when I need to escape.

JoLee said...

Goodwill sells books 4 for $1. I've probably gotten 50% of my book collection there.

Here's a big hug for you!

[F]oxymoron said...

What is the male equivalent of trash novels.... hmmm...

justjp said...

My version of trashy books are written by the likes of Chuck Klosterman, Diablo Cody, and Frank Portman. My roommate, now she is a romance novel whore.

buffalodick said...

I cruise the used book stores around here, and the savings are incredible!

Jamie said...

I'm relatively new to your blog, and so I didn't realize what had happened to you and your life. It sounds like you are an amazingly strong woman, though.

What was the book?

Summer said...

The library here sucks a fat one too.

My brother, mom, and I have a book circle going. One of us buys a book (used or new) and pass it around the circle.

BrianAlt said...

Really. WTF?!?

Sparkling Red said...

I have a love affair with books too. My mom is a retired librarian, and her house has become her library. I could spend the rest of my life just reading books from her shelves and never run out.
(((HUGS)))

brookem said...

sometimes books that are such a similar reflection of our own thoughts and experiences can really shake us. i know they have for me too.

and yup, wicked whorebag.

Jen said...

I can't even imagine this pain, but you surely are admirable for dealing with it so well. Hugs.