Everyone Clap Your Hands!

9:01 AM Edit This 18 Comments »
The South Dakota Public Health Bulletin came on Monday! It's what I look for every month and the mail lady puts it right on top of the pile so she can hear me squeal with glee. And then I open it up to the last page and read the morbidity report to my co-worker. Here's the stats for this month.

Chlamydia is up by 12 percent already this year.
Gonorrhea is up 22 percent.
Syphillis is up 100 percent. 100% people!
Rabies is down by sixty five percent however, and that makes me feel much safer.

So, if you don't want the clap - give it a wrap. I made that up. It's not even on a safe sex commercial here in South Dakota. Why? Because we don't TALK about sex here in South Dakota because our kids aren't supposed to be having it unless they've been sanctified by the Holy Matrimony. So they aren't doing it. Right? Right. Especially during Lent.

18 comments:

Ben said...

SYPHILIS FOR THE WIN!

Wait. We're hoping for lower numbers aren't we?

BrianAlt said...

That's awesome! I'm investing in Gonorrhea! 22% growth, where else can I find that kind of growth these days?

As for Syphillis, well, if it was one person last year and it's 2 this year, that's 100%.

I guess in times when the economy is poor, people stay home more. And when you stay home more, you fuck more. At least I do.

Kristen said...

That's it.

I'm mailing you some condoms right now.

Lemmonex said...

If you don't want the clap give it a warp is my new mantra. True story.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

Ha! I think your state needs to break down those numbers. First into marrieds vs. singles. And then by age. I mean, nothing like a little slap in the reality face, right?!?

Summer said...

OMG! That's frightening. That made me want to bath in bleach. I realize it won't kill an STD but those numbers are gross. I can only imagine what the numbers are here. Ah, the good ole Bible Belt.

f.B said...

I'm with Lemmonex. That is one hell of a catch phrase. Haha: "catch" phrase. Get it? Like catch... Man, I'm obvious.

JoLee said...

So HPV is out of the running?
What a waste of an STD.

Sweetly Single said...

Yes Kate.... there is no pre-martial teenager sex going on at all....and neither is murders or car accidents or .....

Hey wait a minute... does that mean you are giving up sex for lent?

stoogepie said...

Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphillis, and rabies? Either one of these things does not belong with the others or people are having a lot more fun in South Dakota than I thought.

And since when does the Holy Matrimony make sex okay? Since never, that's when. I just checked the bible.

LiLu said...

I've never been so glad to be a one-penis kinda gal.

buffalodick said...

"Don't be silly, wrap your Willie!" There, I've done my community service for your town...

Shania said...

I had some witty comment all ready, but when I clicked through I got all distracted by your gorgeous blog again.

Have I mentioned that your blog is gorgeous? Yes? carry on then.

[F]oxymoron said...

If only the stock market showed similar growth rates... damn.

Jamie said...

Thank god Rabies is down. I was really worried.

justjp said...

I gave up celibacy for lent.

justjp said...

I gave up celibacy for lent.

Titania said...

Wow, that's scary.... it looks like the abstinence clown (http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2009/02/02/the-secret-order-abstinence-clows) is doing his job... Are we ever going to get out of the dark ages? I think sometimes, we are going back to them