Reducing the Resentment

7:40 AM Edit This 16 Comments »
Mark your calendars, people! I have an analogy that has nothing to do with recovery! I get a gold star. (And don't think that I don't possess gold star stickers. I do.)

'Backleading' is a popular term used to describe a follower's executing steps without waiting for, or contrary to, or interfering with the lead of the leader. This is also called anticipation and usually considered a bad dancing habit.

I took my first Lindy Hop lesson on Sunday night. I know enough about leading and following at this point, that I usually do indeed, wait for the lead to do their thing. The person I dance with the most will stop dead on the dance floor and say, "Quit it!" if I even attempt to back lead. So yeah, I've learned. Hrmph. But dancing with a totally new lead was something different. He doesn't know HOW to lead and it was all I could do to not go where I wanted to go. He kept saying, "Why aren't you over there?" Pointing to where the other follow ended up. And I said, "Because you didn't take me there." It was frustrating for him, but I know that if I back lead, he'll never learn to be a good lead and that's a shame, no?

If I don't anticipate and I don't assume what's going to happen and follow where I'm led, I get much more of a chance to shine - in all areas of life. And you know what? You can't compel someone to lead you somewhere unless you want them to learn to resent you. Kind of like when Gay Boyfriend tries to guilt me into helping with snow removal. If I do it so he'll shut up already, I'm angry and resentful. If I offer to go in and make hot chocolate instead, hot chocolate never tasted so sweet, because it's what I wanted to do.

And you know what? If you don't like where your lead takes you? Then get a new lead already. Because a life of resentment is not my idea of fun anymore. I've spent too much time there already.

16 comments:

BrianAlt said...

Yeah, no one likes a backseat dancer.

Dingo said...

The point of having someone be a good lead is to make me look good dancing -- because it's all about me on the dance floor. If they can't do that, I'm going to take control!!

Kristen said...

I'm a wonderful dancer. I'm so wonderful, in fact, that I don't need a partner. They just slow me down and get in my way.

melissalion said...

True dat.

Sweetly Single said...

you can do it

'cause you are you

f.B said...

Backleading is totally ok at a club on Friday night, though. All the guy's gonna do is two-step in place anyway.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Just walk beside me, and be my friend.


Those are words I've always tried to live by.

Summer said...

I'm a bossy micro manager. I have a hard time following, unless it's where and how I wanted to go in the first place. Turns out it's not a great qualitiy to have in marriage.

Jen said...

I liked this life/dancing analogy. I for one need to not get a new lead, nut just A lead already!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Sheesh, goodness knows I need a new lead on my life ... like yesterday! Very interesting, Kate.

MilesPerHour said...

dancing resentments. Ooo those must be bad.

JoLee said...

next time you need help with snow removal, let me know. I love it... for serious. I've been known to call out of work just to stay home and shovel any sidewalk, driveway, stair, that I can. I'm from Maine... that's my excuse. Or, I'm just a tad crazy.

LiLu said...

Backlead your heart out, lady. It's just practice for good backseat driving when you're 60.

Squeaksdaddy said...

Well put...You can't expect to live to your lifes full potential if your just one of many sheep.

JJ

O'Mama said...

Great post!
The conversation about resentment is a very important one in any relationship and it's amazing - AMAZING - that some people are so unaware of themselves that they don't realize that their behavior breeds resentment. I think the trick is to talk about resentment as it appears or flares. Otherwise, things get nasty.

Julia said...

Great analogy and great life lesson. I LOVE the Lindy Hop! Watching it, that is.