Therapy Tuesday

8:25 AM Edit This 23 Comments »
I'm not doing well.

I went to see the Crazy Doctor yesterday. He asked me all the usual questions. "Are you still going to AA?" Are you drinking in your closet again? "How's your social life?" Are you alienating all your friends by your neediness and crazy? "How's your emotional state?" Is there lots of sobbing going on? "How's the grief?" How many times are you visiting his grave and torturing yourself with photo albums?

And all was quite well. I laughed. He likes it when I laugh. It's much better than the sobbing or the silence, when I just can't come up with words to describe my loneliness and despair. I told him I thought I had finally rejoined the human race and he was very, very pleased. And then he asked about sleep. Sleep has always been a problem for me. A big, big problem. We have tried all kinds of medication, meditation, routine, baths, warm milk, blah blah blah over the years and nothing much works except for the medicine. But I don't like it. It makes me feel hungover. And that's a feeling that I wish to never experience again. So sometimes I get it in my head that I'm not going to take it anymore. I'll have a few good nights and then it all falls to shit. And so does my head.

When I confessed, I got The Look. The one that tells me that I am not allowed to make such decisions on my own and that if I was having trouble with it, all I had to do was call and we'd figure something out. So he sighed, pulled out his prescription pad and said, "We can work on that hungover feeling, but you have to take it. " And I burst into tears because I'm exhausted. And exhausted doesn't make my brain happy at all.

I've been going downhill since Friday and I know that I'm standing on the edge of the hole. It takes so much energy to stay out of the hole, that sometimes I wonder if just jumping in and feeling it and then clawing my way back out would be easier. I haven't made up my mind yet. So last night, I took my medicine and promptly passed out at nine thirty. And I cried all morning in therapy because I'm tired, people. So fucking tired.

23 comments:

carrster said...

Oh sweetie...no kidding. Tiredness does things to us that I could not IMAGINE before I truly experienced it. I'm glad you have people around you who want to help and I think they will! Hang in there....you're doing so great.

PS - when are you vacationing in N. Minnesota this year? Because I could use some of your smile...and Dahlia has been requesting hugs.

Sweetly Single said...

~big warm hugs~

BrianAlt said...

Me too. I'm REALLY, REALLY tired!

Kristen said...

Oh honey, I am so feeling you.

I've been wide awake from 2-4:30am every single morning for months now and that's after getting up about ever hour before that to pee.

I am so, so, so tired I can barely function, and I cry for no reason at all. It's really hard to fight off depression when you're not sleeping.

Summer said...

I suffer from insomnia, and I hate to take my medicine too. I'm a really bad medicine taker. I'm afraid I'll sleep walk to the driveway and drive my truck into the house (that's one of the side effects on my medication-- nice). I become an absolute basket case of tears when I've been up for a couple of days. I'm so sorry Kate. I hope you have a nice sleep tonight. *hugs*

MsDarkstar said...

Know where you are coming from, K8. I have a horrible time sleeping but anything I take just makes me feel completely fuzzy and icky the next morning.

And being tired sucks all of the "fight" right out of a person.

Malaise Inc said...

Just remember that while exhaustion and depression feel the same, they are not the same. And it takes more than one night of decent sleep to recharge your batteries.

Hang in there, you'll be back on top of your world in no time.

saratogajean said...

I'm so sorry, Kate! Here's hoping to a good night's sleep. Or heck, even a nap.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I think being sleep deprived is one of the very worst punishments - it's torture. In fact, doesn't the military uses it to try to get captives to make confessions?

Anyway, you need to be good to your body, your mind and your soul. I think sleep does all of them good. Be good to you, hon.

MilesPerHour said...

Sounds to me like you are going through Post Acute Withdrawal. It is your body adjusting from using to abstinence. Hang in there, it gets better.

As far as the hole goes, well at least you can see it now. Sop instead of falling in, step around. It takes time. Be patient with yourself.

Dingo said...

I agree with Malaise. Exhaustion and depression often feel the same and I believe, although I'm no doctor (but I did play one in an elementary school play) that it can lead to depression.

Maybe if you can't sleep well at night, you can take lots of naps? That's what I do. I don't remember the last time I had a decent night's sleep. I nap a lot.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

Kate...step away from the edge of that hole. Right now. It's a bottomless pit, and I know you know that. I know sometimes it seems like it would be easier to jump in and then try to climb back out again - believe me, I've been there - but you and I both know that it's not. Do not go there. Call your sponsor, call your doctor, call a friend, call SOMEONE. Hell, call ME - I'll give you my number if you want it.

Do NOT step into that hole, Kate. It's not worth it. You know that. I know you do.

Jeff

GreenCanary said...

There is an email coming your way, my petite.

stoogepie said...

I think the hole is best depicted in cartoons. You know, a cartoon character gingerly steps over the edge and there is that glacial moment of terror as she realizes what a terrible mistake she made just before the plunge.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Being sleep deprived does not feel good and it sucks the meds make you feel that sort of way. I'm hoping it gets worked out for you VERY soon, and you finally get some good sleep, my dear.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but at least you slept last night, right?
Sending hugs!

buffalodick said...

Sleep will ease a troubled mind, face tomorrow when it comes... "Lord of the Rings" a song sung by Glenn Yarbourough in a cartoon for Chrissakes! Best advice you'll get today! Well rested clears your head..stop thinking "got to" start thinking "want to".. My hand on your forehead, closing your eyes gently... The Buff

Julia said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time right now. Getting decent sleep is defense #1 against depression. Hang in there - we're all pulling for you.

Cello Mama said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. I got about 3 hours last night and I'm the walking dead today (sick kids). I can't imagine what it would be like to have that be a chronic thing. Take the meds, get some sleep. That will just make everything else easier. Although I must say I admire you don't just want to turn to a pill to fix your problem. That's a great sign of how strong you really are. But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

And I think about you all the time, too. So many years apart, and yet you (and our other friends) are back in my consciousness like you've never left. It is so very important to me to have you all back in my everyday life!

Cello Mama said...

Oooh - that sounded weird. You never did leave. I just meant that we weren't part of each other's everyday lives, etc. etc.

You know.

JoLee said...

kate- I feel you, sister, I really do.

I've teared up at least once a day for about 3 weeks now b/c I'm effing exhausted. I usually cry in the car at some point during my two and a half hour commute.

hugs and smiles to you.

Mary said...

I know what you mean, Kate. My doctor put me back on Prozac a month ago (haven't taken it since high school) in part because I've been way low on energy and Prozac is supposed to help with that (in addition to helping depression). So I take it in the mornings, and I'm totally drowsy during the day. So I decide I'm going to be really smart and start taking it at night. And now I can't sleep. AARGH!

f.B said...

Listen to Jeff. It's never easier to claw your way out.