Walking

7:49 PM Edit This 12 Comments »
I know that posting about pets is like the drudge of blogging, but I'm going to anyway. My cats are a big part of my life. When I was in treatment, it was suggested that I go live at a sober home for six months or so. I declined. Because of my cats. Kiki has been with me for the long haul. She's been there since the beginning of the breakdown and she's still kicking. Albeit, her eyes are mattery and grey, but she's still here. Dax? He's a product of the Dead Guy trying to break up with me shortly before he died. I went to church camp with 100 kids and came home with a kitten. Inbetween time, he had called me at camp to tell me that he was dating another woman and wanted to let me go. Now, I'm not proud of this, but I hung on instead. Because I also know that in his alcoholic sickness, he wanted to be with someone who didn't know. Someone who still believed in him, someone who didn't remember the past hurts. He wanted to start over. At the bitter end, he believed that if he got involved with someone who didn't know the past, that maybe, just maybe he might be able to pull it off.

And I loved him anyway, because for some reason, I still knew that he loved me. And he did. That's apparent from the last conversation we ever had. Very apparent. I promised him that I would never leave him and I didn't. Not until he left me. And that's important to me. Because until the end, I DID love him and I DID hang in there, no matter the hurt he incurred. For some reason, that was very, very important to me. And I'm not sorry I did it. Sorry for the sickness in my head that ensued, but not sorry that I hung in there for a man that I dearly loved and cared about no matter what.

He came to visit me several times after his death. Once in my car two days after and several times through my cats. I know - that's fucked up and weird, but I believe it. He usually embodies Kiki, but tonight, he came through Dax. HIS cat. Because when I came home from camp, Dax became his cat. He played with him, he wrestled with him and he made him the playful and mischief instigating cat that he is. The Dead Guy was on lots of medication toward the end there - especially blood thinners. His dad would call me up when he'd get home and ask what I did to him and I'd simply say, "He was playing with the cat." Which was the truth and believe you me, they had fun doing it.

So when I was sobbing tonight, Dax looked at me and all I could see was Jason's eyes. I know that he loved me and I know that he tried his best. And so did I. And I so badly want more for me today. But if my cats tell me I'm on the verge of crazy, then I probably am. So, it's early bed for me tonight and coffee with my best friend in the morning. I don't know what else to do but walk through it. And walk through it, I will.

12 comments:

*Akilah Sakai* said...

This was so poignant and your reasons for staying where beautiful to me.

I love how you end your posts with something that sounds so simple, but carries a lot of power ... " I don't know what else to do but walk through it. And walk through it, I will."

E said...

My relationships with my animals are deeper than many people's relationships I know.
This was perfect.... lovely ....

carrster said...

I actually don't think it sounds too crazy.

Keep walking.

:)

Summer said...

Sending you positive thoughts/ prayers to keep you walking right through it.

melissalion said...

Cats...my kitty has been with me for the long haul too. She's the keeper of all secrets.

JoLee said...

Babes, I won't think you're crazy until you have cats in the double digits.

Kristen said...

My cat sleeps on my head.

That is all.

saratogajean said...

If anyone were going to call someone out for being crazy, it would be a cat.

I know mine would, anyway.

stoogepie said...

Take heed. Cats are always right about everything. Just ask them.

Except lolcats. They are always wrong. Always.

Sparkling Red said...

I take you at your word. I admire your loyalty. I understand sticking by someone you love even when you maybe shouldn't, because you promised them and you love them despite everything. I've done that too.

Sweetly Single said...

Sweetie... you will be ok

You always fight through things and I admire you for that

and I agree on the power of the kittie fur...they have instincts that help us in ways we don't even know

t2ed said...

Pets are just content filler? I'm so screwed.