Hang On, It's A Doozy

5:46 PM Edit This 15 Comments »
You know that voice I was talking about a few weeks ago? It might be getting stronger. And I recognize it but I still fear it and sometimes think I don't deserve it. The uncomfortableness of using it and then not taking it back is my current struggle. As in, I voice an opinion or a thought that's not well received and I immediately take it back because *gasp* someone might not LIKE ME and most definitely LEAVE ME if I stick to it.

Because that's what I did with The Dead Guy. When things started getting bad, he didn't want to hear anything I had to say anymore - my concerns, my thoughts, my opinions. Heck, he didn't even want to hear the facts. All I could do was remember those conversations that I loved so much when we were both well. The ones where we didn't have to agree and talked late into the night about everything under the sun because it was so exciting. Challenging each other. Dreaming together. Solving the world's problems. Gone. Replaced with someone who would cut me off at every pass because everything I said turned into a threat to him. I understand now that he couldn't stand how sad I had gotten and couldn't look at the part he played in that sadness without losing that shredded thread of his reality that allowed him to ignore it. Had he looked at it, he would have been destroyed.

I'm worried about you.
I never asked you to.

Living this far away from our families makes me sad sometimes.
Then go back.

Can you stay sober this morning to come with me to the doctor?
What? You think I can't?

I can't pay our electric bill this month.
Leave me, Kate. Just leave me.

So I stopped talking because the original thoughts I shared never got discussed and the answers deflected back to me somehow twisted each statement into something that became my fault and my responsibility to fix. Consequently, I crawled into myself and stopped saying anything to him except that I loved him and that I would never leave him, which is really all he wanted to hear. And no matter the delusioned monster I got during the day, the little boy inside of him soaked that love in and would come out at night and clutch my hand while he slept because he was so scared of who he had become.

In the meantime, all those thoughts that could no longer come out of my mouth started clamoring in my head and piling up on each other, getting entwined and distorted and blacker and more dense until I couldn't think straight anymore. And that's when I really started losing it. My sense of reality had gotten so twisted by his inability to respond to anything tangible, that I started to believe I was going insane because my reality and his reality were so dichotomous, I couldn't see what was true and what was false anymore. So I let go of my reality and grasped onto his because that's the only way I could continue to be with him. And I desperately loved that frightened little boy I knew he was in his heart, and somehow, that made it all okay.

And it's been a long time coming that I know what's real and what's not today. How many days have I sat on Carolyn's couch telling her what I am thinking while she says, "You know that's not true, right?" And I look at her quizzically and she explains to me how that thought got so mixed up and I try on the new idea for awhile and then start to believe her. On to the next one. Hours and hours, she has spent undoing that tangled mess of his reality that I either had to accept or truly go insane. And now I know how to straighten out my thoughts by myself most of the time. But most importantly, I have people I can tell ALL my thoughts to, no matter how silly they are because NOT saying them keeps them locked up with the ability to confuse me at any moment.

So today, when someone doesn't like what I have to say? I cringe. And I hurriedly take my inventory to see if my motives are in the right place, if I'm acting on reality and whether or not I have the "right" to say what I'm thinking. Carolyn tells me that I don't have to do that anymore, but I can't help it. I spend so much time with people who take their own inventory on a daily, if not hourly basis, that when I come across someone who won't or can't, I'm actually physically taken aback. When I feel that someone is deflecting something back onto me that's not mine to own? It makes me topsy turvy, so I have to check it out with everyone and his dog to make sure I'm not off my rocker, because I could so easily slip right back into that pattern of profuse apology and please-don't-leave-mes. So if the consensus is that it's not mine to own, I don't back down. I want to. Holy. Do I want to, but I don't. Because they tell me that it will get easier if I keep practicing. So for today, I think I'm going to hold with the voice that I know to be true and real, because I am beginning to trust it.


*Akilah Sakai* said...

Trust it, Kate.

Your insides are clearly on the right path.

MsDarkstar said...

Thank you. This is what I needed to read today.

Anonymous said...

Trust your voice, Kate. Your voice is crying out to be heard. It is yours, and you OWN it. And no one can take it away from you unless you let them.

Never apologize for being you.

I think I sent you this before - it's one of my favorite quotes one one of my heroes:

"Be who you are, and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss

buffalodick said...

I understand, as at one time or another I have been- to a degree, both.. Facts and logic can be the last thing you want to hear- but you cannot live perpetually in fantasy and denial. You have learned all this, but to live and believe it wholly can be quite a transition... I think you are doing very well!

BrianAlt said...

Wow. You need to write a book.

Daisee579 said...

Rock on :)

PS can you teach me?

Anonymous said...

2 things I have learned in my short life:

1) Can't please everyone and why would you want to?

2) Their emergency is not your emergency.

These 2 things have saved me countless hours of strife. Cause when you get pulled in, its hard to get out.

Anonymous said...

2 things I have learned in my short life:

1) Can't please everyone and why would you want to?

2) Their emergency is not your emergency.

These 2 things have saved me countless hours of strife. Cause when you get pulled in, its hard to get out.

Shania said...

I'm just in awe of how hard you work, constantly. You're quite inspiring.

Jen said...

I'm with Shania, in complete awe here. You totally rock!

Sparkling Red said...

I know the feeling. I fall into the trap of shutting down and just agreeing with whatever the other person says if they are resisting listening to me. It's tough to speak one's mind, but so important. You stick to it, and I will too. Pinky swear.

carrster said...

Oh Kate, we could have a very long front-porch conversation about this very topic. *sigh* how does it get so tangled up? I don't know but I can relate to you on so many levels. When are you coming to Duluth again????

(ps- i may not be busy that weekend in Aug like I thought I was going to be!!)

melissalion said...

It's odd how the patterns stick with us. Like we're programmed. I'm still the program of my ex. I can't believe someone wants to hear about my day. Actually wants to know about the things I've been doing all day long. When this happens, it always startles me. I say, "Oh!" and then start talking.

That pattern isn't real, you know?

Sweetly Single said...

you rock and inspire me everyday!


blakspring said...

this just made me very very sad :( you have to chip away at all that slowly. don't be afraid to speak up. those that love you understand.