I Do Not Enjoy Holidays.

12:27 PM Edit This 5 Comments »
I know. All I seem to bring you is gloom and doom lately. I promise to work on that. But until then, here's the latest installment of thing that make me cry.

The Dead Guy's dad called me last night. He and I remained in frequent contact for about a year after he died. And he was the first to congratulate me on my year of sobriety two years later. He has always treated me like a daughter and I do love the man. However, the last couple of times I've talked to him, he's been largely inebriated. I know he's lonely and I know he's had a rough go of it. His wife died about a year before The Dead Guy did, so he's not had it easy. His loss eclipses mine in a way that I can't even fathom. It just makes me so very sad that he too, seems to have succumbed to the desire to make it all go away.

He went on and on last night about what a great daughter in law I would have been and how he missed the grandchildren he would never have from me and how I was welcome to come to the big 4th of July family reunion they have every year if I wanted. And I'm sorry, but hello? Those kinds of things make me cry. Of COURSE I wanted to be his daughter in law and of COURSE I wanted to have children and of COURSE I wanted to be a part of the family that reminded me always of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. And mostly, I've accepted that none of those things happened and I'm trying to get on with life. But to have him bring them up? Crushed my soul just a little bit.

And then he started in on the "Why aren't you married yet?" and "What's wrong with you? Don't you want to have kids?" Which is when I really lost it. Because frankly? I don't fucking know. And I know he was drunk and I know that he didn't mean it like that. But goddamnit, it hurts. And I have a headache from crying so much and mostly, I just want to curl up in a ball and forget the world for the day, but I'm going to go do what I had planned to do and if I cry some more later, then so be it. Fuck these stupid holidays. They bring out the crazy in all of us, apparently.

5 comments:

Knot said...

Me either. I'd rather be at work. Gives me an anxiety attack.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

Sounds like you need a hug. I'd give you one if I could.

I'm sorry. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Sweetly Single said...

hunny i am sorry you are having a bad day

there does have to eb something said about keeping negative people around who try and keep you living in the past....i'm sure you will figure it out

i have faith in you....luv ya xox

morethananelectrician said...

This has to be a heavy burden to have placed on you...I cannot understand the situation you are in with him...it has to be a tough place to be.

I have always used helping other people through their problems as a mask to cover up my own issues. It worked well for me...until about two years ago when I started to crumble...

Each of us has our own scale that we use to balance ourselves...I hope you get to a point where you can do that soon.

I ran a Marathon and started doing stand-up comedy (in front of real people) as distractions for me...I think it was a key for the "balancing" of my life...

Bob said...

OF COURSE this hurts, you are still grieving for the Dead Guy.

One day, you will have done your grieving and this will only produce a pang of regret instead of soul-crushing (just a little bit) loss.

Hang in there.