My God!

10:24 PM Edit This 11 Comments »
I don't often talk much more about recovery on my blog other than to say I was a horrible drunk and I'm not anymore. But today, that doesn't suffice. I've been having a whole lot of trouble with my head lately, but the meeting I went to tonight put some things in perspective. I think that's why people say meetings are so important. They take my crazies and transform them. This quote is from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've heard this read hundreds of times, but it's when the chips are down and I'm feeling really out of control that something usually hits me - and hard. And the people at World Services in New York might find me and blast me for quoting it, but here it is. It's on page 417 if you're interested. (Is that enough of a bibliography? Probably not, but whatever. I try. I really do.)

When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

I didn't like any of these words for a long, long time. It seemed like it made everything my fault. Any unhappiness was of my own making. Well? It is. I've come to understand that. Whenever I try to run the show, and things don't go the way I want and I am not pleased? It's because my expectations were out of line. How many times did I hear in treatment, "It's not all about you, Kate." What? Sometimes I still don't get that. Sure, I laugh that Iowa's interstates didn't take my propensity for Diet Coke into consideration. But that's just a joke that I make to remind myself that the world does not, indeed! Revolve around me. And if I want to be unhappy? I can be. If I want to be happy? That's my choice.

But the thing I struggle with the most? Is the idea that nothing happens in God's world by mistake. (If you don't want to hear about God, now's your time to escape/hit delete/mark as read/un"friend"me/ whatever. Just go away. I'm not interested.) We don't live in God's world. My God doesn't want me to be unhappy or confused or sad. My God is sad when I'm sad. My God is super sad when I'm crazy. My God heaps compassion on me when I'm fucked up. Because I was not created to be that way. But I get that way because we live in a world where God is not paramount. And we are fucked up human beings trying the best we can with our free will.

I don't like where my head has been lately. I'm discontent. I'm sad. I'm confused. But I know that somewhere along the line, if I keep going to meetings, and keep praying to my God who doesn't like it when I feel this way, it will pass. I hate where my head goes sometimes. Self pity? Absolutely. It was all I could do to pull happiness and cheer out of my ass all weekend with my sister in law. Don't get me wrong. I am ecstatic about this baby. But I'm also horribly jealous. And to not acknowledge that is death for me. I can say it to the right people and get it out of my system before it becomes toxic and kills me and any relationship I have with my family. I don't WANT to be that way. So I say it to a trusted friend who will understand that I don't mean it in a bad way, just that I'm feeling sorry for myself and that I'll put it under wraps and dig deep for the real Kate that wants to be happy for them. Is that selfish? Sure. But to deny it is to let it grow. And damned if I need sick thoughts to grow in my head today.

Things have been really ick at work lately. That's what all the morning throwing up has been about. I will not say what's been going on, because the longer I blog, the more I understand that I will be found by just the same people I don't want to be found by. But they don't pay me enough to be this anxious. Someone's getting downsized and it's not me, but I have guilt that it's not me. My co-worker is one of my most trusted confidants. I'm not sure I would have made it in early sobriety without her. And I'm sick over it. My anxiety always presents itself in physical symptoms. I could wish otherwise, but it is what it is. When I'm upset, I throw up.

I tell myself that everything is as it is supposed to be. That at every corner, there is opportunity. But I can't get myself to believe it. There is a huge difference in believing and trusting. I don't trust that my God knows what He's doing. And that's where the crazies start to take over. This God that got me sober? Is He not big enough to walk me through whatever hurt and anxiety I have today? Of course he is. But when I'm lying in bed and can't sleep? When I'm facing the porcelain God, hot faced and sweaty? I don't remember that. And it sucks. I wish I could stay in that safe and content space all the time. But that's not reality either.

I don't know what I'm trying to say other than I'm struggling. And in that struggling, I know that it will be for the best. I learn the most when I'm faced with a challenge. I don't like it. Not one bit. I can't tell you the number of times I've sat in the office at Tallgrass and sobbed, "I know I'm supposed to be learning something from this, I just don't know what it is yet." And that's the truth. I don't know what I'm supposed to be learning and I hate the process, but for God's sake, it better be worth it.

11 comments:

Dingo said...

I hope your work situation rights itself soon. The thing about situations like this and other things you have talked about is the complete lack of control over things that happen to you or people you care about. I hate the helpless feeling that comes with that.

Shania said...

I know you're not feeling it right now, but you are so wise. I wish I could just absorb half of your self awareness and courage. You'll come out on the other side of this just fine. Hang in there. (and being jealous of the baby? SO completely normal and understandable)

SoMi's Nilsa said...

One of the hardest lessons any person can learn (or even embrace) is not letting the things we can't control bother us. We have control over our own actions and our own lives only. And we must find happiness and a sense of peace in that, even when the world around us seems to be in upheaval. I know it's a hard lesson - there are times when I have trouble embracing it, too. Here's hoping things at work settle down soon, so you can worry about your own demons and not those that encroach on the lives of the people you care about.

carrster said...

check your mail...that is all. ;)

Court said...

Be strong, I know- easier said than done but just hold on tight. I know it is hard at times, believe me I know, but coming out on the other side once you understand will feel so much better. Sorry to be so full of cliches but hang in there, really it's so worth it. You will be in my thoughts.

Daisee579 said...

I completely second Shania's thoughts. I, too, am the get jealous over other people's babies, but can't admit it type. I, too, am the puke at the first wiggle of nerves or anxiety. I just wish I could remember like you that this too shall pass. Can non-alcoholics go to meetings? Seems like you guys are awfully wise!!

Sparkling Red said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering. I've known times like that, and they're awful.

Your ideas of God are much like mine. Sometimes I wish that God was more tangible because there are times when I really need a hug and airy prayer just doesn't cut it. But I guess that's the challenge of being human: we have to embody the best of God's affection for each other, as much as we can.

MilesPerHour said...

Hmmm, Kate it sounds like you need to apply Step One to alot more than alcohol right now. But you WILL be okay if you don't pick up. All of us junkies go through what you are going through.

Bob said...

"I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

What this (and the entire paragraph) is really saying is....you are in control. you get to decide what attitude you have, what thoughts, habits, etc. need to change and then - you change them. This is very empowering. It is also scary. You are in charge of you, and you get to decide who you are, what kind of person you are, how you feel about things. No one or nothing else is accountable for you except you.

but it doesn't mean it is easy. knowing you have control gives you the tools to start, though.

JoLee said...

I've been away from your blog far, far too long.

LiLu said...

I think it's a fine line between letting something be a learning experience, or deciding to cut your losses and run from a bad situation... If it's making you THAT anxious, I find it hard to justify the job. I felt that way for a long time, with the not sleeping, waking up in the middle of the night, throwing up in the mornings...

Like you said, I really hope it's worth it.

XOXO